The Pinnacle

Over on reddit, someone asked users to recount their “best one-liner moments“. This is easily mine:

I was in a high school humanities course, and the philosophy instructor was talking about the “essence” of things. For example, he said that a clock which stopped telling time could no longer be considered a clock, because the telling of time is the “essence” of clockness.

After giving a few more examples he plucked an empty paper cup from his desk, ripped out the bottom, and held it aloft. “What about this?” he asked the class. “Is this still be a cup? I would say not.”

To which I replied, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t think your argument holds water.”

Pretty much the pinnacle of my career as a smartass.

Affirmations For the ADD-Addled

1. You can make it to affirmation 2.

2. You can make it to affirmation 3.

3. You can make it to affirmation 4.

4. You can make it to affirmation 5.

5. You can make it to affirmation 6.

6. You can make it to affirmation 7.

7. You can make it to affirmation 8.

8. You can make it to affirmation 9.

9. You can make it to affirmation 10.

10. You could have read all these affirmations without skipping to the end, if you’d wanted to.

LOST Faith

Note: LOST series and finale spoilers, as well as opinions (but no details) regarding the Battlestar Galactica finale.

Longtime visitors know that I was a huge fan of LOST, so much so that I have written several essays of the subject: The Perverse Appeal of Lost, The LOST Script Style, and a long discussion in the TMN 2008 Annual about the symbiotic relationship between LOST and spoilers.

I have often gone so far as to call LOST my favorite television show, ever. Not the best show, mind you–not in a world with The Wire and Six Feet Under and Arrested Development–but the show which has given me the most hours of enjoyment. I am predisposed to LOSTian fiction to begin with, and the exceptional quality of the writing and direction (although intermittent) put me solidly in the TV show’s camp. Watching season 1-3, I was literally unable to wait between episodes (nor did I need to, thanks to the miracle of TV-on-DVD). Watching 22 hours of the program in the space of a month, sans commercial breaks or weeklong pauses, was like going on a drug binge of the pull-down-the-window-shades-and-unplug-the-telephone variety. In the off-months, between season releases, I would occasionally devour huge swaths of Lostapedia in a single sitting.

Around the time my LOST zeal was at its zenith, I was watching another dramatic serial: Battlestar Galactic. The two shows had a lot of similarities: a mix of sci-fi and politics, large ensemble casts, perpetual questions about where loyalties lie, and so forth. Although there were some great episodes of BSG at the time, and some pisspoor episodes of LOST, I routinely declared the former to be inferior to the latter. The primary distinction between the two was clear in my mind: the writers of LOST had a plan, and the writers of BSG did not. (Nor did the Cylons, it turned out, despite weekly assurances to the contrary.)

I, like John Locke, had faith that things on the island happened for a reason. The stories on LOST (thought I) were primarily to advance the narrative toward a predestine conclusion; the stories on BSG, on the other hand, were primarily to fill an hour of airtime, with little thought toward how the events would fit into the greater arc. I enjoyed BSG, but viewed it as more an episodic show than a series. I never for a moment thought they’d be able to wrap it up satisfactorily and, after my lack of confidence proved prescient, chided those friends of mine who had believed otherwise.

Well, after last night it looks like I deserve a heaping helping of chide myself.

Even as late as yesterday afternoon I thought the writers could (but had long since given up on “would”) give us an intellectually satisfying resolution to the series, even while necessarily leaving many many many many questions unanswered. To my mind, that only required one thing: providing an explanation for the island that could have been hypothetically deduced early in the series.

Lord knows that there has been no shortage of hypothesizin’ in the six years since LOST premiered. People thought the island was purgatory, or a Matrix-style virtual reality, or the world’s biggest Skinner Box. Some thought that the unseen creature in the jungle was a dinosaur time-shunted to the present, or that the smoke monster was a collection of nanobots powered by the island’s electromagnetism. Some thought the Man in Black was a djinn, let loose from his bottle by a shipwrecked Jacob and hellbent on destroying the world. Some thought that everything took place exclusively in Hugo’s head. It would be impossible to quantify the number of words written and volume of carbon-dioxide expelled by people explaining their elaborate theories, online and over beers and to glazed-eyed acquaintances in elevators.

And it was all for naught. Because the show pulled the most grievous of mystery genre crimes: it introduced new clues at the end of the story. The Jacob/MiB relationship was explained at the end of season 5; the “light at the heart of the island” was introduced two episodes before the finale(!). This is the cinematic equivalent of whodunit in which the murderer turns out to be some hithertofore unmentioned character who appears in the last chapter only. Agatha Christie would have been de-damed if she had pulled this shit.

Now, to be fair, if the secret of the island had been any of the things mentioned above, most (i.e., non-me) fans of the show would have been enormously disappointed. The problem with a show like LOST, especially in the age of the Internet, is that every reasonable explanation for the mysteries had been formulated and disseminated far and wide, and settling on any of them would have resulted in the writers getting eviscerated for “obviousness”. In fact, the more fitting a solution, the more likely it would be the “leading theory” among fans, the more the finale would be denounced as “lame” for failing to deliver a surprise. The writers were practically forced to conjure up a brand new mystery in the last season (“hey look over here, what’s the deal with these two guys?”), provide answers to that alone, and largely ignore the five seasons of enigmas that preceded it.

I totally understand that. But it leaves me no less annoyed that the show that spoke so often of “rules” decided to flaunt the gentlemen agreements that govern the mystery genre. I wouldn’t have cared if the island turned out to be the Garden of Eden, or a big reality show, or one of Charlie’s heroine-fueled fever dreams. Anything, as long as it was figure-out-able.

I honestly liked the finale, in isolation, as a solid few hours of television. And we got emotionally satisfying resolution in spades. Heck, if I’d only seen the pilot and the recap show and the finale, I might have called the series an unmitigated success.

Instead, I invested a lot of time into a show that for years masqueraded as a “mystery”, only to reveal itself, in the final act, as a run-of-the-mill “thriller”. A twist ending to be sure, but not the one for which I had hoped.

I Find It Kind of Funny, I Find It Kind of Sad

A friend loaned me his copy of MadWorld for the Wii. Fun game, but ridiculously, comically, waaay-over-the-toply violent. If Congress ever sees this game they will outlaw pixels.

It’s so bad that I’ve been hiding it from my wife like porn, playing it only when she’s elsewhere in the house. Which has led to some awkward moments.

I frantically fumble with the remote control as The Queen enters the living room.

               The Queen
       What's with all the chainsaw noises and
       "motherfuckers" out here?

               Me
       YEAH SERIOUSLY HAHA THIS EPISODE OF
       THE MARRIAGE REF IS LIKE INSANE...

How You Like

How You Like?

Vending Spree

I am consuming and reviewing every item in my office vending machine. vendingspree.com.

Projects 2010

On New Year’s day of 2009 I opted to skip the resolutions and instead simply vow to do a dozen “projects” over the coming twelve months. That decision, and some of the projects that resulted from it, are documented here.

I did so again for 2010. But this time I actually listed a number of projects that I intended to tackle. Most of these, I’ll be honest, were ideas I had intended to do in 2009 and never got around to, or ideas from time immemorial that are on the verge of being forgotten rather than executed.

Before I get into The Litany, a quick primer on what I consider to be a “project”. First, it has to be creative. I hope to cycle a century this year, and watch all three of the unabridged Lord of the Rings films, but neither of those endeavors counts. Second, it has to take a substantial chunk of time to complete–at least a week of effort is my admittedly loose criterion. And third, success of a project should not depend on third parties. Writing a short story is a project; having a magazine buy it is out of scope.

In collating these, I realized that they largely fell into three categories: Writing, Game Design, and Internet. Some belong to multiple classifications, and are listed as such.

And so, the Projects 2010 list. “Log Lines” are intentionally vague–I have been told (and believe) that revealing too much about a creative project lessens one’s motivation to actually do it, as you get credit for the “great idea” and call it good. I will revise these entries with more information over the year as projects are actually undertaken (or scrapped).

Project

Category

Log Line

Status

Vending Spree

Writing, Internet

This gimmicky writing challenge may be the next project I tackle. Just need to figure out how to host it: here on dy, in conjunction with The Morning News, or on its own dedicated website.

In progress: vendingspree.com

Twitter project

Writing, Internet

Idea for a website that leverages Twitter to maximize my blah blah blah please paypal me venture capital ASAP.

This one involves a fair about of programming. Investigating how much of the code I’ve written for similar projects is the first logical step.

Google Maps project

Internet

Doesn’t have the potential of the Twitter project, but would be fun to launch

Infinite Summer 2010

Internet

I’m not entirely sure if I.S. is going to return this year, but it’s something I ought to that pondering.

Thinking about thinking about.

Twelve Articles for The Morning News

Writing, Internet

Technically I am a contributing writer for those guys, although lately I have been neither contributing nor writering …

Waaay behind on this one, as my editors well know (Sorry Andrew.)

Girl of His Dream

Writing

Short story I started last year and then unaccountably abandoned.

Have written the first third, know the ending. Just got to pound out that pesky “middle part”.

Sear

Writing

Short crime story I have been carrying around in my head for about a year.

Not started.

Book proposal

Writing

I got the idea, now I just need the time …

Not started. I may begin in August.

Screenplay

Writing

I cut my screenwriting teeth on that script for The Office last year, now I’d like to do a full-length screenplay.

Have a few candidates, need to decide which idea to take on.

Karaoke

Game Design

Set collection card game with what I believe to be some pretty cool and original mechanisms.

Created some files for the prototype, need to print those out and start solo playtesting.

Birthday Treasure Hunt 2010

Game Design

This is something that I did more-or-less annually, until parenthood caught up with me. You can see summaries of previous hunts here, here, and here.

Given that my birthday is less than a week away, I’m a little behind schedule to say the least. But holding these things well after my birthday was as much a part of the tradition as anything else.

Lobby or Crash Course

Game design

Two different games; I ought to do one or the other (if not both)

Crash Course has a prototype in need of tweaking; Lobby is nothing more than a concept at this point.

Computer game

Game design, Internet

Create a browser-based game using Flash or somesuch

Have an idea for the game, haven’t started learning the language.

REWARD

Tears and Gears

I just watched The Road while on the trainer. If the biathlon was “cycling and sobbing”, I’d be in Canada right now wearing a bronze at least.

While consoling me immediately afterward, The Queen said, “I am not laughing because you are crying. I am laughing because you smell terrible.”

Fun Fact

The moments between realizing your fingers smell like bacon and remembering that you prepared bacon that morning are among the most terrifying known to man.