How to Watch TV

People are forever stopping me on the street and saying “Matthew Baldwin, I simply cannot believe that, in this media-saturated culture of ours, you are able to confine your television viewing to a mere two hours a week. Also, I don’t have the slightest idea what your t-shirt means.” Well, the secret to watching just a few hours of tv a week is just like the secret to dieting: if you only consume the good stuff, you won’t feel the urge to gorge on the junk. In dieting, for example, if you only eat spinach and 66-grain bread, you’ll have no cravings whatsoever for Pizza Hut’s Meataholics Seven-Pounder with extra olives.*

To that end, I adhere to a strict, three step tv-watching regiment:

  • Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tuesdays at 8:00.
  • Turn the channel to Fox. Hurry! Before you miss something!
  • Watch 24, Tuesdays at 9:00.

I sincerely hope you’ve been watching 24, because it’s the best thing I’ve seen on network television since season one of Twin Peaks.

*Actual weight loss when adhering to this dieting strategy may vary. T-shirt seen on /usr/bin/girl

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