(Rewind is a National Public Radio sketch comedy show, and I was on it last weekend doing the “Loaded From the Get-Go” bit below. The broadcast, in RealAudio format, is available on this page. I appear about 45 minutes into the show, and talk entirely too fast.)
Your wedding is fast approaching, and the expenses are piling up. Your dress cost a fortune, the flowers are expensive, and the catering — you don’t even want to talk about the catering! With your checking account dwindling and your Visa bill skyrocketing, it looks like you’re new life together will be one of debt. And, worse of all, you probably haven’t even considered one of the biggest wedding expenses of all, the one the brings most American newlyweds to the brink of penury. I’m talking, of course, about the staggering cost of getting one of your wedding guests drunk so he can make a fool of himself at the reception.
Hi, I’m Matthew Baldwin, founder and CEO of “Loaded From the Get-Go”. The modern US wedding incorporates elements from dozens of other cultures, but the one, distinctive, All-American tradition is that of some guest getting really, really drunk and making a complete fool of himself at the reception. The problem, of course, is that no one knows in advance who the drunken fool will be — it’s not a job that any of your friends or family covet, but a task that many will gladly undertake if that’s what’s needed to give you that “perfect” wedding. So your reception guests drink themselves to the edge of intoxication, all waiting for someone else to step up to the plate, each willing to do so if no one else rises to the challenge. And although someone will eventually take the plunge and allow the rest of the guests to relax (knowing at last that all the wedding rituals have been performed), just think of all the money that’s wasted as dozens of guests consume glass after expensive glass of pricey liquor, all to ensure that someone shoulders the burden.
That’s a cost you don’t have to pay. When you hire me, Matthew Baldwin, I come to your reception already loaded, and begin making a fool of myself even before the bride and groom arrive. Just lookat all the benefits Loaded From the Get-Go offers:
- The foreknowledge that you’ll have a guaranteed, professional drunken fool takes the pressure off your other guests. You don’t even have to serve alcohol — a savings of hundreds of dollars!
- I get drunk on nothing but the cheapest of domestic malt liquors — and pass the savings on to you!
- Not knowing the guests in advance and secure in the knowledge that I will never see them again, I have no inhibitions about what I say, what I do, or whom I make passes at!
- I bring my own poorly concealed “strategic reserve” of red wine to ensure that I am fully loaded at all times and all the way to the end of the reception. No premature sobriety and weepy apologies here!
- I will pass out in the restroom after last guest has left, sparing you the needless worry about my driving home drunk.
Best of all, I come equipped with a full repertoire of drunken antics I can perform upon request, from knocking over the wedding cake, to making long, incoherent toasts, to insisting the band play backup while I slur my way through “House of the Rising Sun”. All my drunken shenanigans are guaranteed to generate colorful stories that your guests will tell and retell for years. And isn’t that what you’re wedding is really about, the memories?
Call, or visit my website at loadedfromthegetgo.com. Free estimates, references upon request.
“Loaded From the Get-Go: Make Your Wedding Inebri-great!”