Matt LeBlanc

I never ever ever watch Friends. But when I do, I like Joey the best. Actually, I just like Matt LeBlanc — he’s a great guy. I know this for a fact because I’ve seen him on tv.

Excerpt from an Entertainment Weekly interview:

Q: When you meet people, do they always make you say [your catchphrase “How you doin?”]

A: Yeah, and they get really pissed off if you don’t. I’ll do it for kids almost every time. A little kid, man — you just can’t say no to a little kid. But like if there’s some meathead in a restaurant, “Hey, do it! Gimme one! How you doin?! Just do it! Come on!” I just say [acting confused], “How you doin? What? What do you want me to do?”

Best of the USA 2002

The polls are closed, the votes have been counted, and it’s time to announce

defective yeti’s Best Of The USA 2002!

Best Restaurant — Winner: Carmen’s Bistro, Billox, AL. (Runner-up: Teriyaki John, Glenville, PA.)

Best Coffee — Winner: Java Junction, Port Panter, OR. (Runner-up: Thanks A Latte!, Austin, TX.)

Best Butt — Winner: Mark Campbell, Rosewood, ID. (Runner-up: Alice Ganderson, Dent, MA.)

Best Shape — Winner: Octagon. (Runner-up: Circle.)

Best Place To Get A Tattoo — Winner: Skinflint’s, Tucson, AZ. (Runner-up: Doug Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI.)

Best Margaritas — Winner: Casa del Sol, Aching Pines, OK. (Runner-up: Doug’s Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI.)

Best Ice Cream — Winner: Chilly Nirvana, Osage, TN. (Runner-up: We All Scream!, Bowie, NH.)

Best Slaughterhouse — Winner: Moo No More, La Mesa, TX. (Runner-up: Choppy’s, Grandiville, TN.)

Best Fire Hydrant — Winner: Hydrant on corner of 4th and 132nd SE, Galt, FL. (Runner-up: Hydrant on Madison st. near Video Vault, Cathedral City, RI.)

Best Chamber Of The Heart — Winner: Left atrium. (Runner-up: Right atrium.)

Best Place To Buy a Llama — Winner: Llamarama, Kamloops, HI. (Runner-up: Spitting Image, Feverfew, WV.)

Best Hepatitis — Winner: B. (Runner-up: A.)

Best Coupon — Winner: Buy 20 Wire Hangers, Get 10 Free!, E & H Dry Cleaning, Paradise, CA. (Runner-up: Thirty Cents Off 64 Oz. Bottle Of V8 Juice, Shop-N-Save, Rancho Palos Verdes, NM.)

Best William Pross — Winner: William Pross, Collingwood, ND. (Runner-up: William Pross, Seattle, WA.)

Best Urban Legend — Winner: The one about the guy on the Newlywed Show who said “That would be in the butt, Bob” when the host asked him to name the strangest place he and his wife had ever made whoopie. (Runner-up: The one about the Arab guys who bought a whole bunch of candy from Costco and were going poison it and then hand it out to children at malls last Halloween.)

Best Place To Get The Shit Beat Out Of You — Winner: Doug Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI. (Runner-up: Little Rock Museum Of Modern Art, Little Rock, AK.)

Best Egg-Laying Mammal — Winner: Duck-billed Platypus. (Runner-up: None.)

Best Dokken Album — Winner: Tooth and Nail. (Runner-up, via write-in campaign: DOKKEN SUXS METALLICA RULLLLLZ!!!!!!!!!.)

Best Civil Liberty Suspended By John Ashcroft — Winner: Right To An Attorney. (Runner-up: Freedom From Unreasonable Searches and Seizures.)

Thanks to everyone who voted, and congratulations to the Best of the USA 2002! See you next year!

Hot Hot Hot!

I went to the Mariners game last night. At one point the Tigers’ first baseman, Carlos Peña, singled to right field. The guy behind me exclaimed “That guy is moy cally-ento!”

Lost in the Maze

defective yeti’s readership has been dwindling in recent weeks, because so many of my regular visitors have been captured by Evil Supervillians and thrown into giant mazes, where they wander around aimlessly for days before perishing a slow and agonizing death by dehydration.

In an attempt to salavage what reader base I have left, I offer you this tip. As soon as Evil Supervillian leaves you in the foyer of the maze and seals the entrance, reach out and touch the right-hand wall. Now proceed forward, turning when necessary, always (always!) touching the wall to your right. This means that you’ll have to take every right-hand turn you come to; it also means that you’ll almost certainly encounter some dead ends, but, when you do, just take two left-hand turns and continue back the way you came. The important thing here is to never ever remove your hand from the wall on your right. Eventually you will find the exit of the maze. It may take longer than you could have found the exit by sheer luck, but it also ensures that you will never backtrack and will ultimately escape.

A moment’s examination of the maze below should prove the point:

What do you mean you’re “not getting it”?! Okay, so look at the red line below — that’s the path your outstretched right hand makes as you travel through the maze.

Wow: is that the crappiest photoshop job you’ve ever seen, or what?

Note: If this information actually saves your life at some point in the future, I’d appreciate it if you’d buy me the new Cyndi Lauper CD. Thanks.


Yesterday I cooked a hot dog and then discovered that all my hot dog buns were moldy. So I had to eat it on a hamburger bun.

Ergo, you can expect this week’s posts to be all goth and angsty.

Yeah, Baby!

Hello friend. You and I have been close for years now, and I would hate for anything to come between us. But I sense trouble on the horizon. That’s why I decided to address a potential problem even before it arises.

This is the situation: A new Austin Powers movie is out, and — NO! NO NO NO! Don’t say it! Lesson #1: when someone says “A new Austin Powers movie is out,” do not reply with “Yeah, baby!”. Aaarrgh! You see? This is exactly why I’m having to bring this up!

Look: it was just four months ago that you (finally!) stopped reciting catchphrases from the last Austin Powers movie. And whether you realize it or not, a lot of the people who love you — myself included — breathed a huge sigh of relief after you uttered your last “Get into my belly!” Frankly, we thought you were never going to stop, that we would be forced to either go into hiding or stab you to death with a ladle.

But now there’s another Austin Powers movie, a third one. And you are going to see it. We don’t fault you for that — everyone in America is going to see it, just as we are all going to see the next Star Wars movie and reelect George Bush. But please: try — just try! — to refrain from using the 77 “classic” and 29 new Austin Powers catchphrases in the months and years to come. Because although you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this, they are not funny. It’s true. “Oh behave!” is not funny. Nobody knows why you ever thought it was.

Just so we’re clear, here’s some specific phrases to avoid:

  • Do not say “Yeah, baby!” No, you haven’t been saying that all your life. You keep insisting that you have, but, trust me, the very first time you ever said “Yeah, baby!” was 4 minutes after you saw the first Austin Powers movie. Sad but true
  • Never mention your “mojo”. Never. Seriously.
  • You know how to pronounce “million” correctly. Do so.
  • Hearing you say “shag” creeps me out hard.
  • You do not make me horny. Please stop asking.

Well, I could go on and on — you certainly did! — but I’m sure you get the point. Or perhaps you don’t: you seem to be rather obtuse on this whole “catchphrase” issue. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’ve kind of brought this on yourself. Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have even mentioned this if you hadn’t been prefacing every sentence with “Crikey!” since you saw “The Crocodile Hunter”.

And someone needs to tell you all this, for your own good. Because if you spend another two years exclaiming “I shall call him Mini-Me” everytime you see an infant, what few friends you have left are going to desert you. I’m not kidding. Catchphrases are that annoying. Catchphrases are evil.

Ug. The fact that you quickly put your pinkie to the corner of your mouth when I said “evil” does not bode well.

Movies: Home Movie

I heart documentaries about quirky people. So does Chris Smith, apparently, because he keeps crankin’ them out every year or so. He also seems to have an affinity for the word “American,” as in American Job, his first major motion picture, and American Movie, his second. It was the latter that got me interested in Smith. American Movie documented the struggle of Mark, a goofball would-be director trying to film a 30-minute horror movie named Coven. (That’s “COE-ven,” because “CUH-ven” rhymes with oven, Mark informs us, and therefore sounds stupid.) Although the audience is definitely encouraged to laugh at Mark rather than with him, American Movie still managed to portray the protagonist as someone worthy of respect.

So too for the subjects of Home Movie, people you manage to chuckle over and envy at the same time. Each of the five live in bizarre homes, houses that reflect (or amplify) their personalities: an alligator wrangler who on a houseboat in the Louisiana swamp, a Hawaiian woman who lives in a treehouse, a pair of hippies who inhabit an abandoned missile silo, a man who has created an electronic “hope of the future” , and a feline-crazed couple who have customized their home for their 17 cats. The range from the pragmatic (Bill Triegle, lives in the Bayou because of his occupation) to the fringe (Ben Skora, the electronics whiz, intends to return from the dead and inhabit the body of a robot), but each has tailored his home to fit his lifestyle, or vice versa.

Spreading the movie out over five people was a wise choice, as the charm of any given personality would probably wear thin quickly. And the whole thing clocks in at just over an hour, as Smith recognizes that it’s better to make a short movie than one that overstays its welcome. To make up for the main feature’s brevity, Home Movie is followed by Heavy Metal Parking Lot, a 15-minute “documentary” of a bunch of kids partying before a 1986 Judas Priest concert. Many people had told me ahead of time that this was hil-AIR-ious, but I’ll confess that, while I quite enjoyed it, it was overlong even at 15-minutes. Really, as soon as the first shirtless, tattooed lunkhead screams “JUDAS PRIEST RUUUUUUUUULES!!!!!” at the camera, you’ve pretty much seen the whole film.

Some movies were meant be seen on the big screen. Home Movie is not one of them. The low-budget quality of the flick makes it entirely suitable for a rental. But the audience adds a lot to the experience (especially to Parking Lot ), so you may want to catch it in a theater if it’s still lingering in your area. But don’t tarry — in the unlikely event that it’s still around, I assure you it won’t be for long.