Hello friend. You and I have been close for years now, and I would hate for anything to come between us. But I sense trouble on the horizon. That’s why I decided to address a potential problem even before it arises.
This is the situation: A new Austin Powers movie is out, and — NO! NO NO NO! Don’t say it! Lesson #1: when someone says “A new Austin Powers movie is out,” do not reply with “Yeah, baby!”. Aaarrgh! You see? This is exactly why I’m having to bring this up!
Look: it was just four months ago that you (finally!) stopped reciting catchphrases from the last Austin Powers movie. And whether you realize it or not, a lot of the people who love you — myself included — breathed a huge sigh of relief after you uttered your last “Get into my belly!” Frankly, we thought you were never going to stop, that we would be forced to either go into hiding or stab you to death with a ladle.
But now there’s another Austin Powers movie, a third one. And you are going to see it. We don’t fault you for that — everyone in America is going to see it, just as we are all going to see the next Star Wars movie and reelect George Bush. But please: try — just try! — to refrain from using the 77 “classic” and 29 new Austin Powers catchphrases in the months and years to come. Because although you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this, they are not funny. It’s true. “Oh behave!” is not funny. Nobody knows why you ever thought it was.
Just so we’re clear, here’s some specific phrases to avoid:
- Do not say “Yeah, baby!” No, you haven’t been saying that all your life. You keep insisting that you have, but, trust me, the very first time you ever said “Yeah, baby!” was 4 minutes after you saw the first Austin Powers movie. Sad but true
- Never mention your “mojo”. Never. Seriously.
- You know how to pronounce “million” correctly. Do so.
- Hearing you say “shag” creeps me out hard.
- You do not make me horny. Please stop asking.
Well, I could go on and on — you certainly did! — but I’m sure you get the point. Or perhaps you don’t: you seem to be rather obtuse on this whole “catchphrase” issue. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’ve kind of brought this on yourself. Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have even mentioned this if you hadn’t been prefacing every sentence with “Crikey!” since you saw “The Crocodile Hunter”.
And someone needs to tell you all this, for your own good. Because if you spend another two years exclaiming “I shall call him Mini-Me” everytime you see an infant, what few friends you have left are going to desert you. I’m not kidding. Catchphrases are that annoying. Catchphrases are evil.
Ug. The fact that you quickly put your pinkie to the corner of your mouth when I said “evil” does not bode well.