Best of the USA 2002

The polls are closed, the votes have been counted, and it’s time to announce

defective yeti’s Best Of The USA 2002!

Best Restaurant — Winner: Carmen’s Bistro, Billox, AL. (Runner-up: Teriyaki John, Glenville, PA.)

Best Coffee — Winner: Java Junction, Port Panter, OR. (Runner-up: Thanks A Latte!, Austin, TX.)

Best Butt — Winner: Mark Campbell, Rosewood, ID. (Runner-up: Alice Ganderson, Dent, MA.)

Best Shape — Winner: Octagon. (Runner-up: Circle.)

Best Place To Get A Tattoo — Winner: Skinflint’s, Tucson, AZ. (Runner-up: Doug Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI.)

Best Margaritas — Winner: Casa del Sol, Aching Pines, OK. (Runner-up: Doug’s Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI.)

Best Ice Cream — Winner: Chilly Nirvana, Osage, TN. (Runner-up: We All Scream!, Bowie, NH.)

Best Slaughterhouse — Winner: Moo No More, La Mesa, TX. (Runner-up: Choppy’s, Grandiville, TN.)

Best Fire Hydrant — Winner: Hydrant on corner of 4th and 132nd SE, Galt, FL. (Runner-up: Hydrant on Madison st. near Video Vault, Cathedral City, RI.)

Best Chamber Of The Heart — Winner: Left atrium. (Runner-up: Right atrium.)

Best Place To Buy a Llama — Winner: Llamarama, Kamloops, HI. (Runner-up: Spitting Image, Feverfew, WV.)

Best Hepatitis — Winner: B. (Runner-up: A.)

Best Coupon — Winner: Buy 20 Wire Hangers, Get 10 Free!, E & H Dry Cleaning, Paradise, CA. (Runner-up: Thirty Cents Off 64 Oz. Bottle Of V8 Juice, Shop-N-Save, Rancho Palos Verdes, NM.)

Best William Pross — Winner: William Pross, Collingwood, ND. (Runner-up: William Pross, Seattle, WA.)

Best Urban Legend — Winner: The one about the guy on the Newlywed Show who said “That would be in the butt, Bob” when the host asked him to name the strangest place he and his wife had ever made whoopie. (Runner-up: The one about the Arab guys who bought a whole bunch of candy from Costco and were going poison it and then hand it out to children at malls last Halloween.)

Best Place To Get The Shit Beat Out Of You — Winner: Doug Peterson’s House, Bristol, WI. (Runner-up: Little Rock Museum Of Modern Art, Little Rock, AK.)

Best Egg-Laying Mammal — Winner: Duck-billed Platypus. (Runner-up: None.)

Best Dokken Album — Winner: Tooth and Nail. (Runner-up, via write-in campaign: DOKKEN SUXS METALLICA RULLLLLZ!!!!!!!!!.)

Best Civil Liberty Suspended By John Ashcroft — Winner: Right To An Attorney. (Runner-up: Freedom From Unreasonable Searches and Seizures.)

Thanks to everyone who voted, and congratulations to the Best of the USA 2002! See you next year!

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