Pump Up The Volume

I love how the commercials on tv are, like, twice as loud as the programs they interrupt. “Stayed tuned and find out who Melissa chooses, next on Fifth Wheel. THINKING OF REFINANCING!? NOW’S THE TIME!!!”

What a great idea! I’m going to do this from now on, double my volume whenever I am engaged in self-promotion.

Me: Hey, how are you doing?
Girl at Party: Fine, thanks. And you?
Me: Doin’ alright. I’m Matthew, by the way.
Girl: Nice to meet you, Matthew. I’m Cheryl.
Me: Pretty good party, huh? I noticed you were over here looking over Paul’s CD collection. Are you a big music fan?
Girl: Uh-huh, totally.
Me: I’m a huge music aficionado myself. I mean, I DON’T LIKE THAT POPULAR CRAP THEY PLAY ON THE RADIOS, I’M INTO INDEPENDENT MUSIC!!
Girl: I, uh, whoa. Yeah, uh, Indie stuff rules. So do you like, ah, The Strokes?
Me: Not any more, but I USED TO LIKE THEM BEFORE THEY SOLD OUT!!
Girl: Oh, right. But the video is cool.
Me: I wouldn’t know, since I DON’T HAVE A TV!! Hey, that’s a nice jacket you’re wearing.
Girl: Oh yeah, you like it? I got it at a thrift store, believe it or not.
Me: I buy a lot of my stuff from thrift stores too, SINCE I REFUSE TO PATRONIZE McCORPORATIONS LIKE THE GAP!!! I AM AGAINST GLOBALIZATION!!! AND SUVS!!!!
Girl: Do you realize you are shouting?
Me: You may have SEEN ME ON THE NEWS during the Seattle WTO uprising. I was THE GUY WITH THE BIG PUPPETS!! Or maybe you saw
MY ARTICLE DENOUNCING THE WTO that was PUBLISHED IN THE SEATTLE ANARCHISTS QUARTERLY ZINE!! As a matter of fact, I’m using that essay as a starting point for THE SCREENPLAY THAT I AM WRITING!!
Girl: People are starting to stare.
Me: It must be my STARTLINGLY GOOD LOOKS!!!! HERE’S MY PHONE NUMBER!!!
Hey, that reminds me: this post was MENTIONED IN THE GUARDIAN, ENGLAND’S SECOND LARGEST NEWSPAPER!!!!!!!!!!*. Thanks to Rory for the scan.
* Several readers have informed me that the “England’s second-largest newspaper” bit is a lie. I have informed several readers that I don’t care.
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