Three Things Recently Said to Me

Ninety year-old neighbor: “When I was little girl I was out walking with Brownie, the big, hairy dog that I had grown up with. We walked by a lake, which I think was the first time I’d ever taken Brownie by the water. Well, Brownie saw someone swimming and went crazy! He ran to the edge of a dock and leapt into the water and charged right at the swimmer. I didn’t know what to do, and everyone on the beach thought that Brownie was going to kill this person, so I panicked and jumped into the water after him.

“Just before Brownie got to the swimmer he looked back, saw me, and turned right around. He grabbed my dress in his teeth and towed me to shore. I was soaked and mortified so I took Brownie straight home.

“When I told my father what had happened, he laughed and said ‘Didn’t you know? Before we got Brownie he was a lifeguard. He was trained to sit by the lake and rescue people who were drowning.’ I had no idea! I was very proud of him. But I never took him to the lake again.”

Friend who, along with his two-year daughter Juniper, spent an entire afternoon visiting: “When we left your house and began to drive away Juniper said ‘I’m hungry.’ I said, ‘but we just spent two hours eating at Matthew’s house!’ And she said ‘Who’s Matthew?'”

Recently wed acquaintance: “We told my new inlaws that I was hoping to get pregnant soon, and my new father-in-law looks at me and says ‘Remember: grass won’t grow on a well-worn path.’ What the hell does that mean?!”