defective yeti’s Halloween Tips

It's not enough to just dress like a Cheez-It, you have to really act the part.Many women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up in skimpy, sexy outfits. You should not be one of them.Make sure your "Human Torch" costume is flame-retardant before setting it ablaze.To avoid breaking fingers while stealing candy, grip a roll of quarters when punching

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Books: The Good, The Bad, & The Difference

I've just about had it with advice columns. Especially those sex columns that now appear in every newspaper, weekly, and quilting magazine in America. All they do (it seems) is answer the same question month after month after month, namely "Is it okay to cheat on my partner under the following circumstances?" And the columnists usually say no, and sometimes

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My Name Is Luka

I walked into a door this morning, and now I have a big red blemish on my face. All day people at work have been asking me what happened. And I don't want to say "I walked into a door," because that totally sounds like something you'd say if your spouse hit you and you didn't want to admit it.

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The Adventures of Into Perspective Putting Woman

Me: [Exiting my place of business] Aw, man. Woman, Complete Stranger, Standing on Curb: [Gruffly] What's the problem? Me: [Gesturing at the pouring rain] I don't know what I'm going to do. Woman: You're gonna get wet, that's what you're gonna do! Me: Yeah ... Woman: Oh quit your complaining, it's raining on everyone.

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Jury Duty V: Verdict and Aftermath

Previously: Deliberations. An hour after we had come to our decision we were ushered back into the courtroom. I had expected all the participants to be present: the victim, the witnesses, the family, etc. Instead, it was just the judge, bailiff and clerk, the defendant and his wife, the two lawyers, and us. The foreman had expressed concern that he

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IHT In The Making

It's vaguely exciting that we Americans are getting to watch the making of an Inscrutable Holiday Tradition. IHTs are those celebratory things you do for no fathomable reason, like kissing someone under mistletoe at Christmas, or dyeing eggs on Easter, or giving security guards wedgies on New Years Eve. At some point there was probably a reason (or at least

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White House Raises Bush Popularity Level In Preparation For Elections

The White House today raised Bush approval rating to "Popularity Orange" in preparation for the upcoming November elections. Federal officials say the escalation was in response to a significant uptick in "chatter" concerning the possibility of Democrats retaining control of the Senate. Bush's approval, which had been at the "Elevated Popularity" level (70%-80%) since the anniversary of 9/11, was raised

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Same As It Ever Was

Do you know what the greatest thing is about the Western Lowland Gorilla? I shall tell you. The greatest thing about the Western Lowland Gorilla is that his full, scientific name is -- I kid you not -- "Gorilla gorilla gorilla". That is simply awesome. In other news, I'm having one of those days where everything I do is steeped

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Jury Duty IV: Deliberations

Previously: The Trial This is the part of the story where I become a hero. You already know how it goes. We retire to the jury room and take a preliminary vote. It is 11-1 guilty, and I have cast the lone "Not Guilty" vote. Everyone else is shocked, but I explain my reasons. I point out subtle logical inconsistencies

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Stuck On You

You know, I don't really like bumper stickers, but I could spend all day over at makestickers.com dreamin' them up. Now that's entertainment, right there.

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