Hey Washingtonians! How about that Governor Gary Locke, huh? Did he give a great Democratic response speech or what?
No seriously, I am asking you: did he give a great Democratic response speech? Because I have no idea. The Queen and I watched it, but we were able to hear very little over our own, compulsive editorializing.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, the Democratic Nation Party’s official response to the State of the Union Address.
Locke: Good evening. I’m Gary Locke, the Governor of –
Queen: Oh my god! Look at his hair!
Me: How can I not?
Locke: My grandfather came to this country from China nearly a century ago, and worked –
Queen: Is it a toupee? Is he wearing a toupee?
Me: Why would he wear a toupee when he has a perfectly good head of hair?
Queen: Then what idiot styled it to look exactly like a toupee?
Locke: We also support the President in working with our allies and the United Nations to eliminate –
Me: Why is he doing the head-waggle?
Locke: Together, we can meet these global challenges —
Me: Check that out: he’s totally doing the head-waggle. Who coached him on this speech, Leslie Miller? He delivers every line with the Leslie Miller / barn owl / “ain’t no man of mine gonna call me no skank” head-waggle. It’s like watching the Democratic response given by a bobblehead doll.
Locke: Our plan provides over a hundred billion dollars in tax relief –
Queen: Why is he smiling? Who told him to smile? He looks ridiculous when he smiles. I’ve never seen him smile during a speech before.
Me: Well, that’s because the only time he gives speeches is after some initiative he supported gets voted down five-to-one.
Locke: To strengthen America at home, there’s much more to do –
Me: You can tell that he’s forcing himself to smile. He frowns while talking and then gives with the smile at the end of every paragraph. He goes, like, “[Frown] Our parents shouldn’t be forced to give up their doctor [Smile!]. [Frown] That won’t save Medicare [Smile!], [frown] it would privatize it [Smile!].”
Locke: Environmental protection has been a tremendous bipartisan success –
Queen: Can’t. Stop. Looking. At the hair.
Locke: Yes, the Republican Party now controls the executive branch –
Queen: The combination of the smile, the hair and the glasses make him look like a big nerd.
Me: I keep waiting for some bully to come on-screen and push him.
Queen: People from other states are going to stop us on the streets and say “My governor can beat up your governor.”
Locke: That’s the vision of the Democratic Party -
Me: You know what would have been great?
Me: If the Announcer Guy was, like,”Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor of Washington State” and then they cut to Locke looking all somber and serious, and then he suddenly started flailing around and yelling “Bats! Bats in my hair! Get ‘em off me! Bats in my hair!!”
Both: [Long Laughter]
Locke: Thank you for listening, and God Bless America.
Queen: What, it’s over already?
Me: Yeah, but keep watching: I heard that Tim Eyman will be giving a rebuttal to the rebuttal.
Me and The Queen, we have a good time.