Locke Jaw

Hey Washingtonians! How about that Governor Gary Locke, huh? Did he give a great Democratic response speech or what?

No seriously, I am asking you: did he give a great Democratic response speech? Because I have no idea. The Queen and I watched it, but we were able to hear very little over our own, compulsive editorializing.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, the Democratic Nation Party’s official response to the State of the Union Address.

Locke: Good evening. I’m Gary Locke, the Governor of –

Queen: Oh my god! Look at his hair!

Me: How can I not?

Locke: My grandfather came to this country from China nearly a century ago, and worked –

Queen: Is it a toupee? Is he wearing a toupee?

Me: Why would he wear a toupee when he has a perfectly good head of hair?

Queen: Then what idiot styled it to look exactly like a toupee?

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: We also support the President in working with our allies and the United Nations to eliminate –

Me: Why is he doing the head-waggle?

Locke: Together, we can meet these global challenges —

Me: Check that out: he’s totally doing the head-waggle. Who coached him on this speech, Leslie Miller? He delivers every line with the Leslie Miller / barn owl / “ain’t no man of mine gonna call me no skank” head-waggle. It’s like watching the Democratic response given by a bobblehead doll.

Locke: Our plan provides over a hundred billion dollars in tax relief –

Queen: Why is he smiling? Who told him to smile? He looks ridiculous when he smiles. I’ve never seen him smile during a speech before.

Me: Well, that’s because the only time he gives speeches is after some initiative he supported gets voted down five-to-one.

Queen: True.

Locke: To strengthen America at home, there’s much more to do –

Me: You can tell that he’s forcing himself to smile. He frowns while talking and then gives with the smile at the end of every paragraph. He goes, like, “[Frown] Our parents shouldn’t be forced to give up their doctor [Smile!]. [Frown] That won’t save Medicare [Smile!], [frown] it would privatize it [Smile!].”

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: Environmental protection has been a tremendous bipartisan success –

Queen: Can’t. Stop. Looking. At the hair.

Locke: Yes, the Republican Party now controls the executive branch –

Queen: The combination of the smile, the hair and the glasses make him look like a big nerd.

Me: I keep waiting for some bully to come on-screen and push him.

Queen: People from other states are going to stop us on the streets and say “My governor can beat up your governor.”

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: That’s the vision of the Democratic Party -

Me: You know what would have been great?

Queen: What?

Me: If the Announcer Guy was, like,”Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor of Washington State” and then they cut to Locke looking all somber and serious, and then he suddenly started flailing around and yelling “Bats! Bats in my hair! Get ‘em off me! Bats in my hair!!”

Both: [Long Laughter]

Locke: Thank you for listening, and God Bless America.

Queen: What, it’s over already?

Me: Yeah, but keep watching: I heard that Tim Eyman will be giving a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

Both: [Laughter]

Me and The Queen, we have a good time.

* * *

9 comments.

  1. I was forced to listen to Governor Locke on the radio and I wish to God that I had been able to watch him on TV instead. I’m sure it would have been less painful and more Hi-larious. And Tim Eyman IS a rebutt-hole so I pray that I-831 makes it to the ballots in the fall. Then I we can all officially declare him a Horse’s Ass. In fact I may take my check for the N.R.A. and give it to http://www.horsesass.org/ instead.

  2. The comment of the night over here was strangely similar to one of yours: “I expect someone to come along and kick sand in his face.”

  3. Oh man, I had the exact same reaction. But I felt sorry for the guy to have to be the representative high level minority democrat banner carrier for that rebuttal, not because he didn’t give it his best effort, but that he was well out of his league and was the wrong choice for the task. It looked like he had been totally set up for it unfortunately. I thought it was a disaster of a rebuke.

  4. I think it is all part of the Democrats’ “Sneak Attack” strategy. They are purposely looking inept and completely un-electable, including this past November’s election, banking on the hope that they couldn’t possibly make the Republicans look any worse than the Reps make themselves look when they think they are in control. Then, in 2004, they present any even mildly attractive candidate in each race and take the whole Federal government by storm.

    Of course, it is possible that they just are the collective nerdy kid waiting for the bully to kick his a–.

  5. I was just confused because I thought the Dems big thing was going to be economics. How can you invite the governer of a state that’s bankrupt to come talk about economics?

  6. My condolences on your governor, Matthew, and his unfortunate coiffure. Well, the good news is that most people just switch to “Jackass” or something after the Prez finishes and glad-hands his way out the door. Or, judging by water-usage statistics, they just hit the can. The multiple-flushing actually is a foreshadowing of the rest of my paycheck going down the tubes…

  7. You make me wish I had TV. I miss ridiculing politicians…You missed the Superbowl and I missed the State of the Union.

  8. Your evening was exactly like mine. My Queen and I had to do our damndest to pay attention to the words. The hair, the off cue smiles, the locked jaw.

    The best part was that I watched it on PBS, which had commentary afterwards on how the speeches were delivered – and both of the commentators loved it! They couldn’t stop blathering about how well he executed.

    We were dumbfounded. This country is doomed.

  9. Just stumbled onto your site and can’t… seem… to… GAK! stop… reading… it!

    I have to add here that some period of time ago (more than 6 months, less than 6 years) my spouse and I were watching a re-run of Almost Live! and Gov. Gary was on it.

    He was intro’d by Keister thus-like, “And now (pause) the spotlight falls on our own (pause) Governor Gary Locke.”

    Camera pans to Gov. Gary sitting behind a news-desk holding several sheets of paper. He opens his mouth with a very serious expression and…

    a spotlight falls on him, hits his head, he topples over.

    Sometimes this memory sneaks up on me and I burst into (almost always) inappropriate guffaws of laughter. And of course, explaning those bursts is never satisfying to curious bystander or myself.

    My personal opinion of Gov Gary shot up to a level that rivals Upton Sinclair. He could be arrested and for selling puppies into slavery and using pop-up ads and spam to finance the biz and I would still think he was THE MAN for participating in that silly skit.

    Oh and my spouse is a greener, too. Go Gooey-ducks! (I will be in much trouble for that…)

    Carry on.

    ~ Tracy