Joke I Made Up On The Bus This Morning

A sentence was at a job interview, and the interviewer said “we’re starting a new paragraph and we have an opening for an unambiguous, declarative sentence. Do you fit that criteria?”

“Well,” replied the sentence, “I’m pretty sure that I am probably the sort of sentence you may be looking for.”

And the interviewer said “Sorry, but I’m afraid you are over-qualified.”

And The Award For Best Performance In A Dramatic Role Goes To …

Story told to me by a friend:

On the evening of New Year’s Day my two girls were jumping around on the big bed. Eve accidentally whacked Cynthia in the mouth, loosening a very loose tooth. Blood was shed; Cynthia panicked. She ran to the bathroom, saw blood, and started howling. She put a cold cloth on it but wouldn’t allow us to touch or even look at it.

So from 8:00 to 9:00 she sat with the washcloth pressed to her mouth as the flow of blood abated. We told her to try to move it with her tongue, but she said that it hurt too much. She finally agreed to rinse out her mouth — carefully. We told her that we’d have to do something that night, because we were concerned that, if the tooth fell out during her sleep, she could choke and die.

Well, she was a bit worried about that prospect, so she finally allowed us to take a look. But then she got more and more scared of our pulling it out. I was trying to hold her arms and face while my husband looked in her mouth. Meanwhile she was screaming! We were afraid the neighbors would call the police on us.

So finally we said, “Okay, Cynthia, look: you either have to let Daddy pull out your tooth or you’ll risk choking in your sleep.”

To which Cynthia replied “I CHOOSE DEATH!

One Size Fits All

BUSH UNVEILS PLANS FOR ECONOMIC STIMULUS, HOMELAND SECURITY, HEALTHCARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, EDUCATION, PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

President Bush formally annouced his 2003 economic stimulus, homeland security, healthcare, environmental protection, education, and perscription drug plans today in a speech at the Economic Club of Chicago. "Tax cuts," said the President. When pressed for details, Bush added "you know, for the wealthy." Leading Democrats said the plans would "put the United States on a collision course with ruination," but said they would vote for them in the interest of reelection.

My New Year’s Resolutions, As Dictated By Spam Subject Lines

To Do in 2003:

Embrace energy markets
Reverse the aging process
Get a huge penis
Order perscription drugs online
Investigate enemies
Lose ten pounds in seven days
Make a fortune on Ebay
See Britney Spears naked
Know the HGH difference
Attract the opposite sex
Get a MBA
Register to win
Get paid to eat snacks
Chat with sexy girls
Earn $50,000
Send bulk email
Do it all night and stay hard
Never work again

Jeeze. I have a busy year ahead of me.

The Bad Review Revue: Loser By A Nose

Bad Review Revue: Loser By A Nose

A few months ago, defective yeti was excited to discover Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, The Worst Movie Ever as evidenced by its astounding 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. We naturally assumed this would forever remain a feat unequaled, like Cal Ripkin’s 2632 consecutive games, or that guy who got into the Guinness Book of World Records by eating a bicycle.

That’ll teach us to overestimate Hollywood.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio:

“Benigni’s Pinocchio is meant to be adorable, but he comes off as less an enchanted puppet than as a harmlessly deranged middle-aged man prancing about in the kind of froufrou cream-colored pantsuit that Dinah Shore retired to her back closet in 1977.” — Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

“Lethal for kids and an unspeakable insult to adults, this unreleasable fiasco is a torture for all.” — Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

“An oddity that will be avoided by millions of people, this new Pinocchio. Osama bin Laden could attend a showing in Times Square and be confident of remaining hidden.” — Elvis Mitchell, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“Creepy, in a Michael Jackson sort of way.” — Sean Means, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE

“Here’s hoping Benigni doesn’t tackle The Little Mermaid as his next project.” — Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR

Survey says: 0%!

Friday Afternoon Scratchpad

Politics of Parking

Here’s the deal, people. If you are parallel parking on a busy street, and you are blocking traffic as a result, you get one try. One. We’ll patiently stop and wait while you take a crack at it, but if you miscalculate your turn radius or your angle of entry or whatever, and you wind up with your back tire on the curb and your hood sticking out into the road, you’re done, buddy. Now we’re just going to start driving around you, even though this prevents you from making a second attempt. No, don’t glare at me while I pass; you had your chance and you blew it. You wanna blame someone, check out your visor mirror. Sucks for you, but I don’t make these rules, I just articulate them. Miss Manners will back me up on this one.

Links

Chris M. Dickson’s site is defective yeti’s third child blog.

I’ve been meaning to add Fussy to my sidebar for a while, but thiS ENTRY SEALED THE DEAL. OH LOOK, I ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY CAP LOCK KEY! HAVING A CAP LOCK KEY ON MY KEYBOARD IS LIKE HAVING TOURETTE’S: ONE MINUTE I’M AMICABLY CHATTING AWAY AND THE NEXT I AM SCREAMING! AND WHILE I AM OFFENSIVELY COMPARING MY KEYBOARD TO SERIOUS AND NOT-HUMOROUS-IN-THE-LEAST NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS, I’D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT MY “PAGE UP” KEY IS EXACTLY LIKE ATAXIA! WELL, THAT DIGRESSION PRETTY MUCH DERAILED THIS WHOLE “LINKS” SECTION NOW DIDN’T IT?!!!

Nice Work, Scott!

Overheard on the streets of Seattle.

Girl one: What about Scott?

Girl two: Scott? Pff. He’s a bastard.

Girl one: What happened? Last week you said —

Girl two: Bastard!

What Venomous Egg-Laying Mammal Are You?

What Venomous Egg-Laying Mammal Are You
Personality Test

Find out, by answering these ten questions.

The most important personality trait is :
In new situations, I :
I enjoy books and movies that are :
Do you wanna make out? :
If I could be any animal, I’d be :
My favorite digit of pi is :
Peanut butter :
And the bartender says :
No way :
When confonted with a difficult decision, I usually choose :