Duck, Cover, and Enjoy Coke!

Apparently the recent decision by the Federal Government to go Code Orange and urge Americans to arm themselves with duct tape and plastic sheeting caused Wal*Mart’s sales to skyrocket. Of course, in our consumer oriented society, it’s not difficult to figure out what’s going to happen next.

Stage one: Regular Terror Alerts: After intense lobbying by hardware stores and other establishments selling sundry supplies, the Feds will issue terror alerts whenever the economy needs a “shot in the arm”. Typical announcement: “A recent uptick in ‘chatter’ leads us to believe that a terrorist attack could occur anywhere in the United States, except in participating Wal*Mart, Sam’s Club, and Home Depot locations.”

Stage two: Brand Names: Then, when telling Americans how to protect themselves against the threat of terrorism, specific brands will be mentioned. Typical announcement: “We urge all American’s to stock up on Terror-Care brand duct tape and plastic sheeting. Terror Care: Buy It, If You Love Your Family™.”

Stage three: Product Placement: Soon, those selling non-safety related items will pony up to have their product mentioned in the warnings. Typical announcement: “And because you may have to remain holed up in your house for weeks after the detonation of a so-called ‘dirty bomb,’ we recommend you immediately preorder Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix from Amazon.com, just in case.”

Stage four: Naming Rights: Lastly, the terror stages will rechristened to incorporate the names of the highest bidder. Typical announcement: “Today we are raising the terror alert to Code Orange Julius. We remind you that this is the second-highest level of threat, superceded only by Mountain Dew’s Code Red.”

* * *

10 comments.

  1. This is why I have a case of Top Ramen left over from the Y2K scare.

    I also think they should keep the Threat Level at Orange until the Michael Jackson attacks cease.

  2. This terror alert was brought to you by Enron Code Black ™ – oops. This bulletin just in. Enron has gone Chapter 235, so this terror alert is now brought to you by Arthur Anderson Code Shred ™.

  3. I knew marketing was the real axis of evil.

  4. Pure. Genius.

  5. Funny, yet scary at the same time…you should go into marketing.

  6. You called it babe. I don’t know why you aren’t renting yourself out as a psychic. Or: Code Orange! Brought to you by Federal Express (the uncontaminated delivery service!)

  7. brilliant. surely now the government will offer you a job as Terror Alert Marketing Directory.

  8. News Alert: Terrorists have been lacing our duct tape with chemical warfare. As you were.
    heh.

  9. now that we’re only yellow (elevated) does this mean we can stop having terror sex and making 911 babies now?

  10. This is exactly what our F&*KED up governemnt is doing. Bush presents himself as a moron, uncapable of completing a sentence, but he’s really a strategic evil man. This is all about money and power. I’m not religious, but if I was, I would be outraged that this man is calling himself a son of god.