Matt Millionaire

It’s a literal dream come true: my road to millionaireism begins today.

Date: Tue, 04 Mar 2003 18:02:16 -0500
From: Rob Stevenson
Subject: Slap me with Brie


Something along these lines? If you're game (and you want to link to it) I will pay you $2 for every shirt sold.

By the way, I was impressed by your spot on Rewind, but Marketplace is really the apex of public radio success. So, what is David really like?

Rob Stevenson
Vice President
T-Shirt Giant, Inc.

There you go, kids. I know how often you read this site and think “Boy, that Matthew Baldwin sure makes some humorous observations about yogurt. I wish there was some way that I, Faithful Reader, could help make him a millionaire.” WELL NOW YOU CAN!! I mean “NOW THERE IS!!” A WAY TO HELP MAKE ME A MILLIONAIRE, THAT IS!!! All I need is, let’s see, one million divided by two is, um, okay, 500,000 people to buy this shirt, and then I will have more money than I could shake a stick at, which is saying something because, believe you me, I can shake a stick at a lot of money.

By the way, I think Rob really improved this shirt by dropping the “On Iraq” from the phrase “I Oppose The War On Iraq!” After all, a garment bearing the full slogan will lose relevance as soon as the current war starts (7:44 PM PST this evening, by the latest reckoning). But owners of a shirt with the abridged tagline will be able to don it each and every time France opposes a war (i.e. roughly every seven weeks).

As for Dave (I call him “Dave”) Brancaccio, I’m happy to report that he was every bit as charming and well-spoken in person as he is on the air. At least he was, until his fifth hot toddy. Then, Jesus: we couldn’t shut him up about the hummels. “Oh sure, there’s lots of companies making adorable ceramic figurines,” he’d say, “but few people realize that a figurine can only be called a ‘hummel’ if it’s actually produced by the M.I. Hummel company or handcrafted by W. Goebel Porzellanfabrik blah blah blah blah …” And he carries photos of hummels in his wallet — what’s up with that? I kept trying to change the subject to the 1976 Ethiopian monetary conversion from the birr to the dollar, but no dice: hummels hummels hummels. Eventually I just excused myself from the table, went to the restroom, and escaped by crawling out a window.

11 thoughts on “Matt Millionaire

  1. Matt…Tried to buy the shirt but the T-shirt Giant came up no-such-page. Sacre bleu! You’re are out deux dollars.

  2. I live fairly close to the mall in Albany. If I wear one, and am asked to take it off, will I be arrested for indecent exposure or lauded for the display of my democracy??

  3. Unless I’m oblivious to some satire, I’d love to get one of those shirts. I think my economics teacher would especially love it (he seemed to like “Legonomics” quite a bit). So how does one go about purchasing one of these pro-lactose tees?

  4. i would like one of those shirts but i dont want 1 …. i oppose the war and if the french dont wanna help they can get lost …

  5. i hate the war … i dont think we should have to go to war if only saddam or osama had not crashed into the towers we would all be fine and our families would no be risking there lives for payback …. i feel like running into the war with a gun and shoting all the iraqi … my uncle has gone into the war and im scare of losing him!

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