Bush To Water Ski Over Shark Tank

Following the media's breathless coverage of his landing on the USS Lincoln, President George Bush today announced his intention to don water skis and jump a tank of man-eating sharks. The event, to take place on February 3, 2004, will be carried live on FOX, CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, UPN, HBO, The Food Channel, The Weather Channel, Comedy Central, The Home Shopping Network and Spice, with publicity photos to follow in every American newspaper and weekly. When asked why the stunt was scheduled for the same day as the South Carolina Democratic Primary, Bush urged reporters to "sit on it"

And while I’m media-bashing: check out the “Reuters Photo” that accompanies this story. We know we’ve found Saddam’s WMDs this time because the State Department has secured some clip art of a truck.

Update: Laurie Boris writes “Send that truck clip art to North Korea. That’ll give ’em something to think about!!”

Update: Apparently disgruntled with the poor quality of the “Reuters Photos,” Yahoo! has now switched to the vastly superior AFP Photos.

Hah Hah Hmm

I can’t decide if this joke I made up is funny or not:

Did you hear about the San Andreas philanthropist who spent 3 million dollars funding local geological research? He was generous to a fault.

Okay, I just decided.

Re: How Do I Get Rid Of A Door?

Someone at my company just sent this to the internal mailing list:

Does anyone know what to do with an old, but otherwise perfectly functional wooden door with built-in glass window on the upper half? I'm planning to take it to a Recycling Event this Saturday, but I'm afraid that they will just dump it in the trash. I'd hate for it to go to waste if someone out there could use it. Does anyone know where I could take it to help it find a new home?


Using a forged “From line” (I’m friends with this guy), I replied:

Hi Barry. You might consider sending this to "Doors For Moors," (http://www.doorsformoors.org) a charitable organization that accepts used doors and donates them to the nomadic people of northern Africa. It sounds like a really worthwhile organization -- according to their website they've sent over two dozen doors to the former inhabitants of Mauretania since 1998!


If I can make even one person’s day in the office a little more surreal, I feel I have done my job.

The Bad Review Revue

A Man Apart: “This film raises a few questions — like just what were they thinking?!” — Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

View From The Top: “If this new I-wanna-be-a-stewardess picture were an airplane, it would blow up on takeoff. If it were an airline meal, it would infect you with E. coli. If it were a parachute, it would be riddled with holes. ” — Shawn Levy, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Bulletproof Monk: “Relentlessly stupid.” — Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

Malibu’s Most Wanted: “The film feels like a truly awful Saturday Night Live sketch padded out to such unholy lengths as to make It’s Pat seems like a comic masterstroke.” — Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Real Cancun: “Two of MTV’s stupidest programs, The Real World and Spring Break, have been rolled into one staggeringly dumb feature film. I’m like, ‘Dude, this totally blows.'” — J. R. Jones, CHICAGO READER

X2: X-Men United

I caught the midnight sneak preview of “X2: X-Men United” last night at Seattle’s Cinerama theater. Overall I thought it was pretty good. I like the director (Bryan Singer), the special effects have vastly improved since the first film, and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) was fantastic. I don’t want to talk too much about the plot, but the story was believable (in a comic-book-universe kind of way), and although I saw the ending coming a mile away it still made for a satisfying finale.

My only real beef with the film was the egregious product placements. I know there were a few in the first X-Men movie and that product placements are becoming more common and acceptable in major motion picture, but I thought X2 really went overboard. I didn’t mind the smaller stuff — the fight scene in the Wal*Mart, Storm using Visa to buy training equipment, Cyclops wearing Addias, etc. — but the addition of Dr. Pepper (Philip Seymour Hoffman) to the X-Man team was just too much.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked the fact that X2 introduced new heroes such as Nightcrawler and Shadowcat. But those two were taken from the original comic books, and were well integrated into the story. Dr. Pepper, on the other hand, is a brand new character, and (according to Entertainment Weekly) was added to the X2 screenplay after filming had already started. The worst thing was how they restructured the whole plot around him, with lots of flashback sequences that showed his previous life as mild-mannered Jonathan Pibb M.D. and the “freak carbonation accident” that gave him his powers.

And what’s up with his powers, anyhow? Does Dr. Pepper’s mutant ability to “quench” really add anything to the X-Men team? I mean, I guess it came in handy in X2, since Magneto’s master plan was to team up with Drought (another new character) to attack New York with a “Thirst Ray,” but I still thought the whole character was pretty gratuitous. Plus, Hoffman looked ridiculous in that dark-purple leather costume.

So, in summary: I liked X2 overall, but found Dr. Pepper hard to swallow (ha!). In fact, the only thing cool about Dr. Pepper was his catchphrase: he would twist the heads off enemies and shout “You’re not a winner! Please try again!” That was pretty badass.

[And This Is My Platinum Crapper]

Close Captioning for MTV's "Cribs" is provided by the US Department of Education

As the nation’s deficit continues to swell, I’m guessing that there’s at least one Federal position America could survive without.