Monday Morning Blah Blah Blah

Living My Dreams

This morning I had a chocolate chocolate-chip muffin for breakfast. And for lunch I had macaroni & cheese, chicken strips and Coke.

When I was six, this is pretty much what I envisioned adult life to be.

Budget Crunches

Last night some friends and I were sitting around drinking beer and, it goes without saying, discussing the Washington State system of taxation. Here in Seattle we have a sales tax, which is a total pain in the ass because (a) you have to pay it (lame), and (b) it means that your average item in The Dollar Store costs some ridiculous amount like $1.31 and you can’t figure out the real price of things without resorting to irrational numbers and you have to carry around your spare pennies instead of throwing them at children like you would do in other states. True fact: When 50 Cent was here in concert last week, he was legally obligated to perform under that name “67 Cent.” (Whoa, that joke was even worse than I had anticipated.)

Anyhow, we were wondering how much of sales tax revenue goes to health care programs. More every year, we guessed, since, statistically, Americas are becoming ever more out-of-shape. But you got to figure that a lot of that revenue goes to administrative costs and middle-men, not to mention that health care tends to be reactive rather than preventive. We decided that there must be a better way.

That’s we came up with this great idea for a General Health Tax: for every dollar you spend you must do a sit-up. Want the new No Doubt CD? No problem: fourteen bucks and two dozen sit-ups, please. Got a two pack-a-day cigarette habit? Well now you have a six sit-up-a-day habit as well. Just bought a brand new Ford Excursion? Fantastic. That will be 50,000 sit-ups over the next 10 years, plus 60 sit-ups every time you fill up the tank — BET YOU WISH IT DIDN’T GET ONE MILE TO THE GALLON NOW DON’T YOU SUCKA?!

I think we should pilot this plan in Washington state, and then extend it to the entire United States. Conspicuous consumption would go way down, people would have a great incentive to save, and America would quickly come to dominate the United Nations Council On Killer Abs. Plus, what tax payer doesn’t want the opportunity to check “no” to “Would you like to do three sit-ups for the Presidential Election Campaign Fund?”

Links

Oh dear, quite frustrating.

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire?
He changed his mind and decided to stick it out for another year
.

Why am I not listed on my own blogroll? That is what I want to know.

So wrong.

Harbinger of Freedom

As Power Point presentations become ever more common and my dislike of meetings increases by the month, the words “End of slide show, click to exit” have rapidly become my all-time favorite phrase.

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12 comments.

  1. I will have abs of steel from my Starbucks habit alone….
    Good idea.
    Do they have to do sit-ups for food stamps and welfare, too? Or how about crunches?

  2. So, this new tax break thingy,… will Bush drop and give me 300?

  3. You have it easy. Three weeks of power points by high school students.

  4. My favorite tax idea is the one dollar tax for honking your horn, which you can eventually offset by using your 25

  5. Those high scores are absurd.

  6. Oh, I love the tax idea. Especially here in New York, where they’ve just raised EVERYTHING, and where the sneaky local pols reassessed all the housing so they can get more tax revenue without saying they actually raised taxes.

    And with the conspicuous consumption tax, you will be killing not just two but three birds with one stone–I’ll no longer have to cough up additional insurance premiums to pay for other people’s bad habits..only my own. And the trial lawyers will no longer be able to sue MacDonald’s to make a buck.

    But one nit, Matthew…I already pay for owning an SUV…every time I fill up the tank! (but then again, bikini season is coming up fast…and I suppose if I swing out of my Jeep looking tight as J Lo, some sins will be forgiven..)

  7. You would still have the same problems with your new flat(abs)tax. The democrats would want Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to do twice as many sit-ups as the rest of us, small business owners would not want to invest because of the capital “no pain no gains” tax and France would veto any of our U.N. plans to rid the world of brie and other weapons of ass construction.

  8. One more reason to love Rob Cockerham. That is brilliant.

  9. Excellent idea about linking taxation to exercise. We’d all be in better shape, which is good. And the morons who usually do stupid things and propose dumb legistlation would be too tired to bother.

  10. is there a tax break for someone who is already doing sit-ups?

  11. For what it’s worth, I made a little “Ha!” out loud at the 50 Cent joke.

    [I love it when very extra-white radio announcers have to say his name. “In Concert: Fifty Cent!” I often wonder if Mr. Cent sits at home cracking up at that. Surely he does.]

  12. Ok, that game is not just frustrating, it’s EXTREMELY so. Those highscores are absolutely ridiculous! I hardly have time to blink in 10 sec!
    oh, and that other webblog is your own?