Hummer: Like Nothing Else, Except All The Others

While at the grocery store last week I saw an H2 occupying two parking spaces and adorned with a license plate reading “XTREME2”.

I can just picture this guy at the DMV. “What do you mean ‘EXTREME’ is already taken?! I have a Hummer! Who the fuck else could be that extreme?!!”

Hey, that reminds me of an old and completely unrelated joke I just made up.

Q: How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two — one to change it while the other apologizes for the recent lack of illumination and explains that they’ve been really busy lately.

(The comments are open for blogger / lightbulb jokes. Go nuts.)

Update: Two more I thought up on the bus this morning.

Q: How many conservative bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two — one to change it and one to insist that it had started to burn out during the Clinton Administration.

– – – – – – – – – –

Q: How many liberal bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None — liberal bloggers prefer the burned-out bulb so they can continue to complain about the darkness.

46 thoughts on “Hummer: Like Nothing Else, Except All The Others

  1. Q: How many H2 drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: 5. One to screw in the lightbulb, and 4 others to hop in one of their H2s and drive to the local hardware store and buy a generator because the first H2 owner couldn’t afford to pay his electric bill because his Suburban H2 only gets 8 miles to the gallon and that’s where all his money goes. Luckily, all the other drivers AND the generator fit comfortably in another H2, with some room on top for a manly dead deer.

  2. Q: How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One. Duh. I mean, how hard is it to change an f’ing light bulb? But see, before he goes to change it, he writes on his blog some kind of cryptic promise that he will return with “News”, thus ensuring that all of his loyal readers will be left waiting on the edge of their seats while he goes away and chuckles to himself about what suckers they all are the whole time he’s changing the bulb.

  3. I’m trying my best, but there’s just no way to come up with a blogger lightbulb joke that isn’t, on some level, just sad.

    OK, fine:

    How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    238,902. 1 to change the lightbulb, and 238,901 to kiss Ben and Mena’s ass.

  4. To hell with the light bulb…

    Q: How many H2 owners does it take to come up with a license plate more idiotic than ‘XTREME2’?

    A: I’m thinking roughly this many…

    Sweet Moses, it’s so sad it makes my head hurt. Aliens waiting to attack the Earth see junk like this and high five (or whatever) each other.

  5. re: bloggers

    A. 837. One to sit in the dark, and 836 to link to her depressing site so it comes up first in Google when you query for lightbulbs.

  6. Re: bloggers

    4. One to do it and post about it and three to comment about how they are teh roXor! ROFLMAO OMG!!!111!!!1!!1!1

  7. I think a good bumper sticker for a yellow H2 would say “Why yes, I am the right leg of Voltron.”

  8. I actually meant the left leg of Voltron. Should have done my research before posting. I feel so embarrased!

  9. Q: How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Well, at first just one. Within 3 days, however, every blogger in the country has heard about this “lightbulb changing” and is trying it and posting about their experiences. Within a week it’s been so overdone that changing lightbulbs “just isn’t done anymore”. Maybe a month later, some 43 year old woman surfing the net for the first time hears about it and then sends out an email to her entire mail list, and it becomes a phenomenon in the “unconnected crowd” for a while, but then it eventually dies out. Several months later, it’ll be revived for a few days along with “All your base are belong to us”, and someone will create an “All your base”/lightbulb changing mashup. The whole thing will implode when some enterprising blogger hits on the idea of “flash bulbs” and is hailed from LA to NY as the newest blogging phenomenon.

  10. There is a guy at work with an H2 and he has vanity plates that say “IMSHALO” I could not think of anything more fitting. At least he knows it I guess….

  11. How many bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Hey, that reminds me of when I was at the grocery store this week. There was this lady who was looking at tomatoes, and whe was wearing a tomato-print dress. A TOMATO-PRINT DRESS. Can you believe it? What gets into these people? And then there was this guy on the bus singing fragments of songs out loud. I mean, it was so unbelievable. OUT LOUD! At the laundrymat, there was this kid playing Ms. Pacman, and he was SO complaining to his mom about how lame the game is. IT’S MS. PACMAN – the end-all, be-all of video games. Who complains about Ms. Pacman? It was utterly incongruous. INCONGRUOUS. Don’t even get me started………

  12. You know what really gets under the skin of these Hummer/Suburban/Expedition/X2 drivers?

    “Wow, that’s a really nice minivan!”

    Because, honestly, that’s all the hell 99% of the SUV drivers use them for.

  13. Mario:
    They were designed for a very specific target market, those who need a place to put the bodies that won’t result in stained carpeting.
    Quite popular here in Oakland.
    Plus, Voltron needs a a right leg as well, I suppose. (loved that, bryan)

    Anyone else struck by the extremly low incidence of crossover between bloggers and Hummer owners? Theories?

  14. last week i saw a hummer *inside* a grocery store near my house, being used as some kind of macabre display for fruit or paper plates. My shriek of horror was undoubtedly heard throughout the store.

  15. takes one 12 year old boy and one mom to change a light bulb…the mom nags the kid until she decides to do it herself, and then the kid makes up a Quiz at Quizilla about it so everyone can figure out what kind of lightbulb they would be…if they were a lightbulb

  16. Re: Arnold and the gay marriage:
    Being from Hollywood, Arnold is surrounded by gay marriages between a man and a woman.
    I am sure there is no logical disconnect for him.

  17. Re: Bloggers not being Hummer owners:

    Betcha it’s because people who earn enough money to afford one of those flaming fuelbeasts don’t have enough free time to expound upon their daily lives.

  18. > Anyone else struck by the extremly low incidence of crossover between bloggers and Hummer owners? Theories?

    Well, if you blog, you have to know how to write without a crayon.

  19. How many democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


    “Keep your laws off my lightbulbs!”

    “I’ll bet Ken Lay and George Bush have plenty of lightbulbs in CRAWFORD Texas!”

  20. A completely irrelevant joke (i.e. no lightbulbs) but a made-up joke nevertheless:

    Q: What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

    A: Is that a tectonic movement or are you just happy to see me?

  21. >That is a good one, Bryan. Too bad I heard it here first.

    Why is it too bad? I heard it there first, too. I was trying to share something I thought was funny. I guess I could source everything I say, but that would steal work from the department of redundancy department (cheesy saying attributed to Dave, college roommate (1996-97), Pine Tree Apartments)

  22. I was just observing some fairly tangible hostility against hummers and their owners. Personally, I think they’re cool to look at and while it wouldn’t be my first, second, or third choice for dream vehicle, the main reason I don’t own one is that I can’t afford one. If you own or drive one, I make no assumption that your genitalia is inordinately small, spotty, or somehow dysfunctional. I would venture to say that your financial priorities are questionable, unless you’re just loaded, in which case, knock yourself out!

    Now, if you drive a Saab, that’s another issue altogether…

  23. Q: How many Hummer owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: They can’t, they’re busy admiring their mammon-mobile.

    You know that’s original by how non-funny it is (although I’m kind of partial to the use of the word mammon).

    I’m starting to get that uneasy feeling that I shouldn’t be making three posts in a row. I’m done.

  24. Q: How many bloggers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Seventeen. One to put light bulbs on her Amazon wishlist because she’s unemployed and can’t buy her own, one to start a Metafilter thread about how female bloggers who have Amazon wishlists are basically prostituting themselves, twelve to Trackback the Metafilter thread, one fat lonely blogger guy to buy the first blogger the light bulbs, one Amazon employee to expedite the order, and one friend of the first blogger to actually install the light bulb for her because he, too, is trying to get into her pants, much like the fat lonely male blogger, who will later write a self-pitying entry about how he didn’t even get a thank-you email even though that “would have been nice.”

  25. Matthew! Don’t you know that “EXTREME2” is probably the guy’s SECOND Hummer? There must have been a very unfortunate circumcision accident.

    Unrelated but equally obscure light bulb humor (lighting industry humor)

    Q: How many Philips employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two. One to screw it in and another to say how much better it is than a GE.

  26. Re: Volton

    Son, 10 years old, reading over my wife’s shoulder: “Mom, who’s Voltron?”

    Sure, it was easier explaining that then when he asked me who the plush Cthulhu doll was that sits on my monitor, but I still felt the age thing suddenly

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