Posts from August 2003.

You Mean With Me, Right?

Coworker enters my office with a adolescent girl.

Coworker: Matthew? This is my daughter, C.

Me: Hey there, C. Nice to meet you.

C.: Hi. Are you “Matt the Jew”?

Me: Am I, uh, what? The Jew?

Coworker: Oh, hah hah! I told her about what happened at the meeting last week.

Me: The meeting?

Coworker: You know. When you were demonstrating that software but you mistyped your username so it kept calling you “Mattjew” ?

Me: It did?

Coworker: Yeah. Don’t you remember?

Me: I guess I didn’t notice.

Coworker: Really? Why did you think everyone was laughing?

Me: People were laughing?

Coworker: You didn’t notice everyone laughing at you?

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Curiosity

I just noticed that my office has a light switch on the wall behind the file cabinet. Kind of a a wierd place to put one, and I have no idea what it does. Only one way to find out, I guess.

Update: Shit! Sorry!

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YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL

Do this:

  • Make clockwise circles on the floor with your right foot;
  • Now, without looking at your foot, use the index finger on your right hand to draw the number “6” in the air.

Did your foot change direction? Yes it did, you liar.

A big thanks to TTT for pointing out that I am unable to control my own goddamned body

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Fox Sues Michael Moore Over Use Of Term ‘Michael Moore’

FOX news has sued filmmaker Michael Moore over his repeated usage of the term "Michael Moore," both in print and on his website. "FOX has a long and established tradition of using the phrase 'Michael Moore' as a synonym for any person or group that expresses the slightest unease about Bush Administration policies," reads the complaint. "If Michael Moore's were ever to behave rationally, it would irrevocably blur and tarnish the strawman FOX has worked so diligently to construct." Although some legal scholars warn that the lawsuit serves only to stifle Moore's First Amendment rights, FOX has dismissed such critics as "a bunch of wacko left-wing extremists of the Michael Moore variety." Lawyers for the media giant demand that Michael Moore cease usage of the term within 30 days and adopt the name "Stubbley McFatguy".

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Streetlight People

People always say to me “Matthew Baldwin, it’s incredible how well you can whistle a tune! What a remarkable and beneficial gift!”

Oh no. I’m here to tell you that it’s a curse, a curse.

When I’m in the elevator abscent-mindedly whistling “Don’t Stop Believing,” everyone knows exactly what godawful Journey song I’ve got stuck in my head.

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Attn. HR Dept., Heaven

He only gets one day off a week, but His dental plan is divine.

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defective yeti’s Homophone Korner!

Fun Fact: The phrase “I spent all weekend screwing in doors” sounds exactly the same as the phrase “I spent all weekend screwing indoors!”

So when explaining to a colleague why you are so tired on Monday morning, it’s perhaps better to say “I spent the weekend replacing both my front and garage door, a task that required extensive use of my screwdriver.” Otherwise, your coworker will react with the “Too Much Information” wince. As I discovered today. Alas.

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Flash Mop

Oh man, have you heard about these Flash Mobs? They are so rad. Secret email goes out to a bunch of cool people and then they all, like, get together somewhere and act like robots or worship dinosaurs or some other crazy thing. Hah hah! So awesome!

Now I totally want to do one here in Seattle! So I’m proud to announce that defective yeti’s First Flash Mob takes place on August 17!

Here’s the plan. Everybody meet up at the house at 11765 Parker st. N. (98101) on that Sunday morning. Then, at exactly 10:00 AM we’ll completely clean the place! Hah hah! Talk about zany and unexpected! We’ll go nuts: scrubbing the shower and cleaning the gutters and washing the cars and mowing the lawn and brushing the cats, etc. This is going to totally freak out the house owners (who I will trick into going to get French Slams at the nearby Denny’s while this takes place)! And when we’re done (making sure we clean behind the fridge, just to be extra-unexpected) we’ll suddenly disperse. Poof!

Hah hah! This is going to be so wild we’ll probably get in the paper and stuff. Just meet at the house on the morning of Sunday, August 17th (don’t worry about how we are going to get in — fortunately I have a key and will leave the door unlocked), bring cleaning supplies, and be sure to pass this message on to all of your friends. It’s gonna be, like, so great! Flash mobs! Woo! Spread the word!

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Free Willy!

Spam.

From: 238600@hotmail.com
To: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
Subject: HAVE MORE INTENSE ORGAS

click here

Reply.

From: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
To: 238600@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: HAVE MORE INTENSE ORGAS

Dear Mr. 238600,

I received your recent email, but it appears to contain a typographical error. If it was supposed to read "ORCAS," please contact me immediately, as I will be very interested in purchasing your product.

Sincerely,
Matthew Baldwin

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Conan The Total Recall Governator

A few readers have written to ask why I haven’t done The Bad Review Revue for Gigli, or commented on the whole Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. C’mon, folks: some jokes are just too easy. Seriously, why should I handpick bad reviews for Gigli when you can just check out the Metacritic page for it? And I think every possible Schwarzenegger / Governor pun has already been made by the cable news anchors. “Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his intention to Jingle All The Way … to the Governor’s mansion!”

One thing I did hear while watching MSNBC at the gym, though. Some commentator was talking about Schwarzenegger and said “His fans know him best as The Terminator, the alien with an Austrian accent.” What the –?! THE TERMINATOR WAS A ROBOT NOT AN ALIEN YOU MORON!!! In the wake of the New York Times scandal you’d expect the media to redouble their efforts to regain the public’s trust, and yet they still can’t get the most fundamental of political facts correct.

Also, I guess the California Election Committee Whatever is saying that the enormous number of cadidates is making it impossible to prepare all the ballots in time for the October 7th election. That’s ridiculous. I mean, at this point all they need is, like, a bunch of California phone books and some stickers.


Thanks for the scan, Joshua

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