Coworker enters my office with a adolescent girl.Coworker: Matthew? This is my daughter, C. Me: Hey there, C. Nice to meet you. C.: Hi. Are you "Matt the Jew"? Me: Am I, uh, what? The Jew? Coworker: Oh, hah hah! I told her about what happened at the meeting last week. Me: The meeting? Coworker: You know. When you were
I just noticed that my office has a light switch on the wall behind the file cabinet. Kind of a a wierd place to put one, and I have no idea what it does. Only one way to find out, I guess. Update: Shit! Sorry!
Do this:Make clockwise circles on the floor with your right foot;Now, without looking at your foot, use the index finger on your right hand to draw the number "6" in the air.Did your foot change direction? Yes it did, you liar. A big thanks to TTT for pointing out that I am unable to control my own goddamned body
FOX news has sued filmmaker Michael Moore over his repeated usage of the term "Michael Moore," both in print and on his website. "FOX has a long and established tradition of using the phrase 'Michael Moore' as a synonym for any person or group that expresses the slightest unease about Bush Administration policies," reads the complaint. "If Michael Moore's were
People always say to me "Matthew Baldwin, it's incredible how well you can whistle a tune! What a remarkable and beneficial gift!" Oh no. I'm here to tell you that it's a curse, a curse. When I'm in the elevator abscent-mindedly whistling "Don't Stop Believing," everyone knows exactly what godawful Journey song I've got stuck in my head.
He only gets one day off a week, but His dental plan is divine.
Fun Fact: The phrase "I spent all weekend screwing in doors" sounds exactly the same as the phrase "I spent all weekend screwing indoors!" So when explaining to a colleague why you are so tired on Monday morning, it's perhaps better to say "I spent the weekend replacing both my front and garage door, a task that required extensive use
Oh man, have you heard about these Flash Mobs? They are so rad. Secret email goes out to a bunch of cool people and then they all, like, get together somewhere and act like robots or worship dinosaurs or some other crazy thing. Hah hah! So awesome! Now I totally want to do one here in Seattle! So I'm proud
Spam.From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: HAVE MORE INTENSE ORGAS click hereReply.From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: HAVE MORE INTENSE ORGAS Dear Mr. 238600, I received your recent email, but it appears to contain a typographical error. If it was supposed to read "ORCAS," please contact me immediately, as I will be very interested in purchasing your product. Sincerely, Matthew Baldwin
A few readers have written to ask why I haven't done The Bad Review Revue for Gigli, or commented on the whole Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. C'mon, folks: some jokes are just too easy. Seriously, why should I handpick bad reviews for Gigli when you can just check out the Metacritic page for it? And I think every possible Schwarzenegger /