Blog Entry … With Animals!

I went and visited my Grammy last night. We chit-chatted for a while and then got down to the serious business of watching TV. Grammy has, like, 700 cable stations, of which she watches four: PAX (the default), the FOX Sports Network (when the Mariners are playing), whatever station shows those reruns of Golden Girls, and Animal Planet. Tonight it was Animal Planet.

Lacking cable myself, I’d never seen Animal Planet before. What a weird network. We watched this show called Animal COPS, where they ride around with some Humane Society guys and pretend like they are as exciting and dangerous as the police officers profiled on COPS. In fact, everything on Animal COPS mimics the original COPS format: they show the time and location at the start of a segment, the officers give little philosophical monologues while driving around, and the whole thing is set to an unrelenting gloomy-action-adventure-techo backbeat specially designed to keep you on the edge of your seat while the Humane Society Guy herds a possum into a box.

Most hilariously, the show has a narrator who always speaks in this ominous and deadly-serious tone of voice, doing his level best to make the essentially boring routine of these guys seem fraught with peril.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, here we are.

[Humane Society Guys get out of car.]

Narrator: Getting out of the vehicle is a crucial step in any Animal COPS crime scene investigation.

[Humane Society Guys nonchalantly approach front door and knock.]

Narrator: The Animal COPS cautiously edge towards the front door, bracing themselves for a confrontation.

[Man answers door.]

Man: Yeah?

Narrator: Suddenly, the Animal COPS find themselves face-to-face with the perpetrator.

First Humane Society Guy: We’re here about the pigs.

Man: Oh right. They’re around the side of the house, follow me.

Narrator: The officers received a tip that the perpetrator is keeping pigs as pets, an act that’s not only illegal in this county, but also against the law.

Then, as they arrive at the crime scene, the case takes an unexpected turn.

Man: Here they are.

Second Humane Society Guy: Oh, so they’re pot-bellied pigs, then.

Man: Uh-huh, pot-bellied pigs.

Narrator: Reeling from this unforeseen twist, the Animal COPS struggle to regain control of the situation.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, like we said on the phone, we gotta take ‘em.

Man: Whatever.

The show after Animal COPS was called The Planet’s Funniest Animals, which was exactly like America’s Funniest Home Videos except … with animals! And I saw an ad for a show that was like Survivor … with animals! In fact, that seemed to be the theme of every program: Well-known Show … With Animals! Lord knows what else they have in this vein.

  • Sex And The Kitty
  • Law & Order & A Three-Spined Stickleback
  • The Gilmore Squirrels
  • Everybody Loves Raymond’s Ferret
  • Mad About Ewe
  • JAG (uar)
  • Murder She Wrote, “She” Being A Cockatoo

Update: From the comments: “Buffy The Canine Spayer” (BillB), “Who Wants To Be A Millipede” (Greg), and “Welcome Back Otter” (Geena). But Tom pretty much wins with “Queer Eye For A Pig Sty.”

* * *

49 comments.

  1. Perhaps they’ll wise up and pick up a season long option of Cat Town: http://www.spatch.net/cattown/index.html .

  2. You forgot to mention ‘Leave It to Beaver’

  3. Bad Dog, Bad Dog, Whacha gonna do? Whacha gonna do when they come for you?

  4. At the risk of sounding like one whose heart chronically exsanguinates, [and don't get me wrong, I don't usually watch The Animal Planet, but...]some of the episodes show animals who have been grossly mistreated and/or abused and negelected. So occasionally, It’s nice to watch as they rough-house some fatass dogfight promoter into the Animal Patrol squad car. I just wish they would show more police brutality toward people who are mean to kitties and puppies. Jeez.

  5. I agree – there’s not enough head busting of animal abusers. It’s difficult not getting closure on some of these cases. Giving the person a warning or fining them doesn’t exactly make up for the kinds of terrible neglect you see.

    I don’t watch much TV, but I fly JetBlue a lot and it seems that Animal Precinct is always on the Direct TV – my husband gets really freaked out when he’s sitting next to me calmly watching a Cheers rerun or maybe a Classic Rock Video, and he looks over and I’m in tears over a dying dog.

  6. My personal favs…

    Steer Factor
    Hollywood Hares
    8 Simple Rules for Feeding My Iguana
    Buffy the Canine Spayer
    This Old Mouse

  7. queer eye for the pig sty!

  8. How about!…oh wait, I can’t think of any thing witty.

  9. Shepherdy
    Pig Brother
    Wail & Graze
    Spaywatch
    Charlie’s Angelfish
    Rocky & Bullwinkle
    Twin Peeps
    NYPD Beluga
    Farm Trek: Sheep Space 9
    Malcolm and the Cattle
    The Eggs-Files
    Miami Mice

    :-D

  10. Oops, forgot to put any ID on that previous entry.

  11. Animal Cops is actually a paler version of the orginal, Animal Precinct. Animal Precinct takes place in NYC and occasionally they even get to arrest people. I highly recommend it. You do sometimes have to have a strong stomach, though.

  12. Monday I will call my cable company and ask them nicely
    to put “Animal Planet” on the menu.
    Sounds great!

  13. I nearly split my cranium laughing at “Sex and the Kitty.”
    Sheep Space 9 is pretty good, too :-)

    My own lame suggestions:

    Hawaii Bat-Ho
    Chicken in Charge
    Pork & Mindy
    Welcome Back, Otter (stop groaning. stop it.)
    Wonder Wombat

  14. Besides head-busting animal abusers on tv, I notice that, at least among my acquaintences, there’s not enough use of the word “exsanguinate.” Nice job, Francis. Had to look that one up.

  15. why, is there more to it then “ex” plus “sanguine”?

  16. Oh, man. What a riot!
    Conan O’Rangutan
    48 Owls
    The Peepers Court
    King of The Ant Hill
    Fox News (duh)
    Monty Ball Python
    The Bat Cellar
    Who Wants To Be A Millipede

  17. Oh come on…
    Everyone knows they run re-runs of the Golden Girls on Lifetime!

    …right?

  18. Well, personally I do like The Planet’s Funniest Animals. I think a show with a dog or a cat doing funny things is way better than one with guys getting hit on the groin and with phony “home videos”.

    By the way: How about “Doggie Houser, MD”?

    Or “Dougie Schnauzer, MD”??? No?

    “Dexter’s Black Lab”?

    “Leopardy”?

    Or maybe “Gnu Wants to be a Millionaire”?

  19. How about a background track of “My Funny Porcupine”?

  20. I WIN!

  21. People have way too much time on their hands…..

  22. I don’t see how Gnu could ever be a millionaire, being open-source and all

  23. Obviously almost any show is going to be 200 times better with cute animals instead of people in it, and of course any movie will be better with Robots in it, so… well, I don’t think there is any avoiding the inevitable “Robotic Animal Channel” featuring such shows as

    Sponge Crab Pants

  24. And let’s not forget the “Six Legs Under” segment of the animal kingdom.

    Ally McBeetle
    Saturday Night Lice
    Buggy Howser, MD
    Green Aphids
    Bee-witched
    S*Q*U*A*S*H
    Orkin Mindy

    I’m not obsessed … really I’m not.

  25. Maybe it’s just me, but I HATE the host of “The Planet’s Funniest Animals”. What the animals do may be funny or somewhat cute, but he absolutely ruins it with his annoying voice and bad jokes.

    Bleh..

  26. Just like on Funniest Home Videos! (I’ve seen both America and Australias funniest home videos, and honestly, it’s all the same.)

  27. Maybe they also show reruns of Falcon Crest?

  28. You guys are so funny. I think coffe just came out my nose!

  29. Swinefeld
    Llama’s Family
    My So-Called Lice
    Koala My Children
    Snapper Spawn, M.D.
    Family Flies
    Mad About Eukaryotes
    WCARP
    Sphagnum, P.I. (not an animal, I know)
    The Ospreys
    All in the Family Drosphilidae
    Designing Wombat
    Remington Steelhead
    The Wonder Yeast
    Jerry Springbok
    T.J. Hookworm
    My Favorite Marsupial
    The Love Boa
    CHimPs
    The Greatest American Heron

    AAaarrggh! Enough! Somebody kill me now!

  30. Some friends of mine actually incorporated “Welcome Back, Otter” in to a student film they made when we were in college. I still cannot say that title without laughing.

  31. Monday Night Furball?

  32. Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Otter.

  33. Er, and I don’t want to hear about “Coupling.”

  34. I saw an episode of COPS once where they tracked down this guy suspected of distributing child pornography. They busted down the front door and the SWAT team rushed in. By the time the cameraman caught up they already had him on the floor handcuffed. The half-naked man was about 500 pounds and face down on the floor in front of his computer. There were 2 chihuahua’s frantically taking turns jumping from the floor to the man’s back and then off again, which was in itself pretty funny… But the best part was that the dogs faces were blurred out the whole time.

  35. The Plannet’s Funniest Animal’s has passed the place of being funny and is now just bouring. I would like to have the email address so that I might contact the Animal Planet directly and see about getting that show off the air.

  36. I just came to. I think the lack of oxygen from my hysterical laughter caused the blackout which in turn caused me to fall face first onto the floor breaking my nose. I am going to need your address for insurance purposes. ;)

  37. sorry for those who dont like the show but personally i think what people do to their animals is a bunch a shit. if i was an animal cop id be shooting me some people. for those of you who think the show is fake well its not wise up guys animal abuse is getting to be a big problem not only in the US but also around the world. if you think this is all fun and games well you can kiss my ass cos i dont give a shit if you think its funny. i like animal cops

  38. I always watch this show. I HIGHLY doubt it’s fake. I have seen people who treat thier animals like garbage. I have seen starved dogs, houses over run by cats, and worse. It makes me SICK how some people can treat thier animals, yet thier excuse is always,”I couldn’t afford to feed them.”,or,”I couldn’t afford to take them to the vet.”That’s BS.Give the animal to someone who CAN and WILL take care of the it. Take it to the shelter yourself.Common sense. It’s God awful seeing some of the images you see on Animal Precinct/ Cops.I’m glad there are people out there willing to be the voice of animals. YAY!

  39. Animal cops is definatly not fake, I have seen them driving on the highway befor. I watch the show all the time. you make it sound like they do stupid stuff that is not a big deal at all but i have seen episodes where dogs have been shot and stabbed and if you don’t thinks that’s a big deal then you are a retard.

  40. I know you find these shows funny and stupid but have you ever taken the time to take 5 min from your busy life of slamming other people and thought of what it might be like if you were left tied up outside in freezing tempatures and only feed when someone “remebered” you and threw you some old moldy bread or rotten meat? To have to sleep in your own urine and feces? in a box(if your lucky) with no door. You sit there day in and day out watching the person you love just walk by and not stop to even give you a pat on the head? instead you get a kick in the stomache or mouth. I know that this will not make you change your mind or the way you look at these shows but I just wanted to voice my opinion. and no I’m not one of those PETA, animal rights, ” don’t eat meat or wear fur Freaks” I’m an officer that has to go out and see this everyday.

  41. I completely agree with Tony and Kym. Why is it funny that these animals get mistreated and abused so bad? I saw one episode (which was not stupid or fake. I don’t care what you think) about this tiny house that was comepletewly filled with cats, and after they got all the cats out(over 200, in case you were wondering), they had to put them all to sleep because they went kinda crazy. (No, it is not funny, it’s sad).
    Whoa, yeah..don’t you ever have anything nice to say about anything or anyone? Wow. Why don’t you give your attitude a break, chill out, and maybe once in a while (*gasp*) say or do something nice for someone? And how would their jobs ever get broing? They help animals evry day. Oh wait…I forgot that you think helping someone or something is a waste of time. Well, then. No on ever said you had to be an animal cop or watch Animal Planet. Why do you ppl who created this website take the time out of your day to insult someone? Animal Planet rocks evryone, and so do animal cops.

  42. which show offers $100.00 and a t-shirt for using your animal video on there show? Do you know the address or TV show?

  43. I,m glad their showing animal cops on animal planet i didn’t know sooooooo many people were abusing aniamls. they should make a law that if you hurt an animal in any way you should have to go to jail.

  44. 10 things i hate about ewe? welsh sheep farmers discussing the annoying personal habits of their favourite sheep?* scraping the barrel here.

    *ALTHOUGH-that does actually sound like a good reality tv show for channel 4…brb, gotta email my agent

  45. Hey ass. I guess a show that depicts the reality of animal cruelty should be made fun of… I mean, they’re just animals right? They have no soul or memory. Why would anyone dedicate a whole network to them? Let’s just laugh at this and turn on something much more important and worthwhile. Let’s see, there’ s a wide variety of other reality shows that would enrich the mind. How about one of those fanatstic makeover shows or a drama filled sleazefest. We could always use more sex on television. I hope one day you feel the plight of cruelty and are renderd helpless. Let’ s see if you’ll laugh then fucker. By the way you and your grammy should find a new habit. Maybe one that actually involves moving off of the couch.(If you can hande it)

  46. You think that animal cops are copy cats. They are just trying to help animals. And yes it is serious because they could die!

  47. Thank you to everyone out there who is defending Animal Planet! Animal abuse is more widespread than most people realize. And you can be charged with a Felony (to you dumbasses, that’s PRISON TIME!) if you are convicted of animal cruelty. Animal Cops and Animal Precinct are just a few of the shows (there are several Animal Cops) that actually show something realistic that most people do not know about. If you look up serial killers, most murderers have a history of animal cruelty before they went on to killing. Think about it!

  48. Just wanted to add: No matter what happens, if you beat your dog day in and day out, that dog will still be right beside you, your best friend, protecting you, day after day. Can you say the same for your best friend? Probably not. Animals are more loyal than people. Shouldn’t we save some part of this planet?!?!

  49. Wow!!!funny ass site!!! I am an animal control officer and I dont think the shows portray real life. I have yet to see one of those pricks on tv with a shove scooping up guts. or trying to catch a pit bull thats obviously posessed by satan. that is the real world. God I Love My job!!!! Nothing like the stench of parvo squirts in the morning!!