I went and visited my Grammy last night. We chit-chatted for a while and then got down to the serious business of watching TV. Grammy has, like, 700 cable stations, of which she watches four: PAX (the default), the FOX Sports Network (when the Mariners are playing), whatever station shows those reruns of Golden Girls, and Animal Planet. Tonight it was Animal Planet.
Lacking cable myself, I’d never seen Animal Planet before. What a weird network. We watched this show called Animal COPS, where they ride around with some Humane Society guys and pretend like they are as exciting and dangerous as the police officers profiled on COPS. In fact, everything on Animal COPS mimics the original COPS format: they show the time and location at the start of a segment, the officers give little philosophical monologues while driving around, and the whole thing is set to an unrelenting gloomy-action-adventure-techo backbeat specially designed to keep you on the edge of your seat while the Humane Society Guy herds a possum into a box.
Most hilariously, the show has a narrator who always speaks in this ominous and deadly-serious tone of voice, doing his level best to make the essentially boring routine of these guys seem fraught with peril.
First Humane Society Guy: Well, here we are.
[Humane Society Guys get out of car.]
Narrator: Getting out of the vehicle is a crucial step in any Animal COPS crime scene investigation.
[Humane Society Guys nonchalantly approach front door and knock.]
Narrator: The Animal COPS cautiously edge towards the front door, bracing themselves for a confrontation.
[Man answers door.]
Narrator: Suddenly, the Animal COPS find themselves face-to-face with the perpetrator.
First Humane Society Guy: We’re here about the pigs.
Man: Oh right. They’re around the side of the house, follow me.
Narrator: The officers received a tip that the perpetrator is keeping pigs as pets, an act that’s not only illegal in this county, but also against the law.
Then, as they arrive at the crime scene, the case takes an unexpected turn.
Man: Here they are.
Second Humane Society Guy: Oh, so they’re pot-bellied pigs, then.
Man: Uh-huh, pot-bellied pigs.
Narrator: Reeling from this unforeseen twist, the Animal COPS struggle to regain control of the situation.
First Humane Society Guy: Well, like we said on the phone, we gotta take ‘em.
The show after Animal COPS was called The Planet’s Funniest Animals, which was exactly like America’s Funniest Home Videos except … with animals! And I saw an ad for a show that was like Survivor … with animals! In fact, that seemed to be the theme of every program: Well-known Show … With Animals! Lord knows what else they have in this vein.
- Sex And The Kitty
- Law & Order & A Three-Spined Stickleback
- The Gilmore Squirrels
- Everybody Loves Raymond’s Ferret
- Mad About Ewe
- JAG (uar)
- Murder She Wrote, “She” Being A Cockatoo