Urban Legends For The 21st Century

A young couple living in a large isolated house had gone out to a dinner party one evening and left the babysitter in charge of their two children. The children had been put to bed upstairs and the babysitter was watching “Alias” when her cell phone played the first two verses of “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce Knowles. The babysitter dug the phone out of her bag to discover that she had received a text message reading:

seria1_ki11a: im upstairs w/the chldrn youd betta come up MLOL*!!!!

[* Maniacally laughing out loud — ed.]

Thinking it a practical joke, the babysitter deleted the message without another thought.

But a short time later the phone rang again. This time the display read

seria1_ki11a: im serious youd betta come up ROTFMLMAO!!!!

Getting rather frightened she called Verizon, who agreed to trace the messages to caller’s exact coordinates via the Patriot Act-mandated GPS chip that had been factory-installed in the phone.

A few minutes later the phone rang again, but this time the message read

seria1_ki11a: wanna cyber?

The babysitter screamed and quickly deleted the message. When the phone rang seconds later, caller ID identified it as a voice-call from India. “Get out of the house!” the Verizon customer service representative yelled as the babysitter hit “talk.” “The text messages are coming from upstairs!!”

But instead of fleeing, the babysitter angrily marched upstairs to find the oldest boy listening to illegally procured mp3s on his iPod and text-messaging everyone in his cellphone’s directory.

When the parents returned home later that evening, the babysitter told them what had happened. Worried that such behavior could someday jeopardize their son’s chances of gaining admission to a top tier university, the parents decided to put the boy on Methylphenidate and adopt a strict system of punishments for future episodes of acting out.

And he never did anything impulsive or creative again!!!

10 thoughts on “Urban Legends For The 21st Century

  1. You forgot the rest of the story. When the boy hit puberty, he decided he needed more than Methylphenidate, turned to drugs and beer, rejected all the people who ever cared for him, broke a few hearts, stopped bothering with school, and spent the rest of his life trying to dig himself out of the massive hole he’d made for himself.

    True story.

    </self-pitying rant>

  2. Operator: “Hello, this is on-Star. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Umm…yes…this is weird, but…Someone is calling me, saying they’re going to harm my children, but I’m in the Escalade, and I need to know where they really are so I can press charges.”

    Operator: “Ma’am! MA’AM! Get out of the vehicle! They are calling you from the FIFTH ROW FOLD DOWN SEAT!”

  3. I am ashamed to admit that my cell phone actually DOES play the first two verses of Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love.” But only when my boyfriend calls.

  4. “They are calling you from the FIFTH ROW FOLD DOWN SEAT!”

    Oh, well that’s all right then, it’ll take him weeks to hike all the way up to the driver’s seat from back there.

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