Friday Afternoon Scratchpad

The defective yeti How To Drink Without Becoming An Alcoholic Program

My coworker told me his new year’s resolution: he had decided to only drink once a week.

No, I replied. No, no, no. I tried this, and it’s a bad idea, here’s why: one, you’ll fall off the wagon by February 13; and two, you’ll probably fall off the wagon by January 27.

Besides: you’re supposed to drink every day — Science says so. That why I thunk up The defective yeti How To Drink Without Becoming An Alcoholic Program, and have more-or-less adhered to it for a couple of years. It has worked so well for me I’d be remiss not to share it with the world.

So here it is. Are you ready? Okay, write this down:

No more than one drink a day except for one time a week.

That’s it! You get your Science-prescribed daily-glass-o-red-wine and you get your weekly three-beers-with-the-buddies outing.

The trick is to remember the caveat: “No carryovers!!” If you forego your nightly drink, you don’t get two the following day (unless it’s your designated “one than one” binge). Likewise, you only get a single “more than one” day per calendar week — no carryovers!!

Works for me.
 
 
True Fact

Speaking of drinking, I recently walked from the Rendezvous to my bus stop at around 11:00 at night, following one of my aforementioned three-beers-with-the-buddies outings. As the Rendezvous is on 2nd and Bell and my bus stop was on 4th and Stewart, this necessitated travel through some Seattle’s Sketchy Neighborhoods, so I reflexively adopted my Badass Motherfucker gait, a mode of walking that involves long strides, a puffed-up chest, and lots of scowling.

(Note: I was raised in the suburbs, so my perception of a Sketchy Neighborhood is probably way skewed. I consider any block that doesn’t contain a Dairy Queen, a Blockbuster or an antique store to be a “Sketchy Neighborhood”. But work with me, here.)

At some point I got the munchies and dug some food left over from my lunch out of my backpack. I began snacking on that as I walked.

But then I saw my reflection in a store window, and realized that my choice of foodstuff pretty much negated any advantage gained by my strutting. Because here is a 100% true fact, folks: nobody looks like a Badass Motherfucker while eating baby carrots.
 
 
Links

In recent weeks I have been sneaking links onto my sidebar. I was being all stealthy ‘n’ shit because, in most cases, I was embarrassed they weren’t there already. But I’ll fess up:

Sites that really should have been in the sidebar since the inception of this site: Dooce, Que Sera Sera and I, Asshole. I have no excuse.

Update: Holy crow, I just realized that I never put Choire Sicha on my sidebar. Whatta idiot. Me, I mean, not Choire. Anyway, he’s there now. Dumb dumb dumb. Uh: again, that means me.

Sites that have been around for a while but, for some reason or another, I only recently discovered: Public Defender Dude, Coudal, Dong Resin’s Joint.

Newish sites by cool people: WULAD , Danger Blog.

Back from the dead: Mr. Pants. Year Of The Smore, yo.
 
 
Spoiler Candidates

Says Wesley Clark’s campaign: “Lieberman is like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense: He’s dead and doesn’t know it yet.”

Jeeze — just blurt out the ending, why don’t you?! What if everyone followed your example?

  • Clark: “The Republicans’ feckless approach to foreign policy has so radically changed the world that, like the Planet of the Apes, it’s no longer even recognizable as Earth.”
  • Dean: “When it came to authorizing the war in Iraq, the other candidates were like the characters in Murder In The Orient Express: they all did it.”
  • Gephardt: “Kucinich’s worldview is so idealist that he reminds me of Charles Foster Kane, pining for the halcyon days when the most important thing in the world was a sled named Rosebud.”
  • Kerry: “George Bush is like Luke Skywalker: powerful because his father is a influential figure in a evil organization.”
  • Mosley-Braun: “If you don’t vote for me you will wind up with a candidate who, like the main character in The Crying Game, is a man.”

 
 
For The record

Go Edwards.

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18 comments.

  1. RE: Spoiler comments

    At some point people must accept that certain movie facts can no longer be considered spoilers that are not to be mentioned in polite company. I had a friend that for some reason or other did not see The Sixth Sense despite expressing a desire to do so. For almost two years he would interrupt any discussion of the film with “Stop! Don’t tell me! I haven’t seen it yet!” Truly annoying. Finally I sat him down and told him that in exactly one month I would be telling him the secret. It may come in an e-mail, a phone message or delivered in person but I would make sure that he found out. It was amazing how motivated he was to finally see the damn thing.

  2. speaking of spoilers.. that whole “glass o’ red wine a day” thing… it’s a scam! eating grapes and drinking grape juice will accomplish the same thing! The wine industry (as tasty and breathy as they are) jumped on that report and sales went up! Then Chuck came along and ruined the party… but I digress…

  3. Shhh! That wine spoiler is what’s keeping me from ruin right now.

  4. Do you mean in Planet of the Apes they were on Earth the whole time? damn, I always figured that the Spaceballs way was what had happened. Oh well.

  5. Crap! I never saw The Sixth Sense!

    *sigh*

    Oh, well, I guess I can cross that one off my list…

  6. Hello! Late, but thanks for the shout-out. I was not back-track stalking, I was aimlessly wandering off Izzle Pfaff.

  7. One drink a day?

    Can i stick with my two 40’s of Icehouse a day and still not be an alcoholic?

  8. Actually, one of the candidates used nearly the exact quote Matthew cites here in the 2000 campaign, before I had seen “The Sixth Sense”, except the quote was “He’s the only one who doesn’t know he’s dead.”

    I then went and saw the movie anyway, with my wife. I got some satisfaction from it regardless, for two reasons: (1) it’s such a great story that it’s enjoyable even when you know the ending, and (2) my wife went with me and was TOTALLY taken until the moment of revelation. She’s a pretty good predictor of movie outcomes, and it was fun to see her fooled when there were clearly so many clues (obvious to me in my foreknowledge).

    Kous

  9. YAY, Edwards! It’s really refreshing to see so many people coming around. He did great in the Iowa Caucuses last night, and I’m pulling for him.

  10. Hey! Thank you!

  11. Other foods that make it difficult to look like a Badass Motherfucker while eating:

    – vienna sausages
    – popsicles
    – salad

  12. Your only hope may be to look sweaty and freaked out and whistle the Peer Gynt Suite. Any potential attackers who have seen Fritz Lang’s expressionist classic M will think twice before attacking you.

  13. Aww, man. I never got the chance to see the Sixth Sense… Oh well, I’ll still see it… eventually…

  14. On the dull Sunday afternoon that I saw The Sixth Sense, my friend Graham and I had nothing to do, so we decided to go see a matinee. On the way we ran into a friend, who kept trying to tell us the surprise ending. Usually I don’t mind spoilers, but I’d been told by friend and reviewer alike that the twist would blow my tiny mind, so I begged her not to blurt it out. We compromised: I would plug my ears and she would whisper the twist into Graham’s ear.

    On the way down to the theatre I said, “I’m actually kind of anxious to see this film. I’ve heard the ending really does come as a shock”. Graham said: “Yeah. Who would have thought that Bruce Willis was dead all along?”

  15. I can really feel for you and the Badass Motherfucker gait. I too grew up in the burbs, and since I moved to London I’ve had to employ it many times, never knowing if it looks right at all. Good luck to us both :)

  16. Wouldn’t you know it, there’s only one Blockbuster, no antique stores (that I know of), and an out-of business Dairy Queen in my town.

    Wanna visit?

  17. Please check out my blog. I have had you linked for several months now… wouldn’t mind if you linked me up.

    Go Edwards.

  18. Matthew, I am so disappointed in your language.
    I thought dad and I raised you better than that. How many times have I told you not to use words like “baby carrots”!
    Mom