IKEA Strategy Guide

Today I am The Morning News Non-Expert.


  1. the IKEA cheat sheet is sheer genius! thanks for the brilliant work

  2. Check out http://www.bowlingball.co.uk if you get a chance.

    It’s not a blog, but its blogging funny.


  3. I would recommend playing IKEA in the multi-player mode. I’ve only tried IKEA once and that was in single player. What a disaster!

    I finished with a dish strainer and a food canister and that’s it. Oh, and playing with you screen on the highest color resolution may cause seizures. I suggest 16 bit color.

  4. It’s only 11:52am and my day is made. Time to start drinking. Thanks Matthew!

  5. “Now you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.”

    Now, you’ve gone and done it. I’m in a full-tilt Infocom nostalgia trip. Why, oh, why did someone have to go and invent graphics?

  6. One of the best walkthroughs I’ve ever read. Thanks for sharing it!

  7. oh man, this was excellent. dallas is getting an IKEA next year. i’ll be ready.

  8. Brilliant.

  9. It has been long established that you’re a funny man. But that, sir, is funny.

    I’ve been chuckling over the “have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them” line at random moments ALL DAY. It’s like hiccups. I just hope to God it stops amusing me soon, or else there could be awkward moments in bed with my girlfriend tonight.

  10. “a maze of twisty little passages, all alike”

    Ah, now you’ve done it! Yer killing me!

  11. and may I request the walkthrough (with cheats) for Costco 2.3?

    I torrented this but I keep winding up with too much stuff.

  12. Wonderful IKEA MUD. This is great stuff, Mr. B.

  13. If you never do anything else to make this world a better place to live in, at least you’ve helped inspire thousands of lunatics to dash around IKEA like human bumper cars while jibbering like The Swedish Chef! A new sport is born!!!

  14. I guess I would have found this funnier if I had known what an IKEA was before I started reading….

  15. Very, very, VERY clever. Hysterical! Like the others,
    the “twisty passages” paragraph transported me back
    in time. The Swedish Chef part was brilliant.

    Maybe in the next version, you can include how to navigate “furniture pickup” and “home delivery” … You think it always ends with checkout?? HA!!!

  16. there can be a whole line of games with the ikea theme. just imagine the parking lot adventure and weapon selection for home depot!

  17. I just returned from IKEA, where I picked up a new computer chair. I love it, but don’t know if it was worth selling my soul to get it… or the three-mile hike to get from the entrance, to the desk chair section, to checkout. I was focused and efficient, only bought one item, and it still took an hour.

  18. That was pretty much the best non-expert yet.

  19. Can’t stop laughing…think I’m gonna be sick…
    Oh my God, that was funny.

  20. don’t forget the highly painful decapitations that occur by means of the paper tape measures. this is especially true if, like me, one

  21. Could only have been better if it came with a highlighter pen to reveal the answers as you go along.

  22. Thank you. Thank you so much. You’ve made a sad man, just that little bit happier. :)

    Thank you so much… :)

  23. I am shocked and appalled that any of you find this crap funny…

    Oh wait, I thought I was still at carrottop.com.
    Never mind.

  24. “When you enter the office furniture section, search the back wall and acquire the NOMINELL swivel chair with lockable tilt tension and gas-lift seat-height adjustment. Using this to propel yourself through the remainder of the level will greatly improve your time.”

    Great Reference to Harry the Handsome Executive (Go Ambrosia!!! http://www.ambrosiasw.com/games/harry/)

  25. Yay! I effing hate that place (yet always wind up there because I’m a cheap bitch). Your walkthrough was perfect.

  26. That was so damn funny, I’m probably going to get in trouble at the office for giggling too much.

  27. Excellent ASCII work. Great writting, too. Fun-ny, I just finished watching the Strong Bad where you can play his text-based adventure. And I went to Ikea with the g-friend for the first time just this past weekend. And then I wrote about it on my blog (jeffwerner.ca/fun/), and then I read yours. Particle board furniture works in wonderful ways.

  28. Dude, that was motherfucking hilarious. I was just there on Sunday, too.

  29. Hilarious – people were came in to see what the hell I was laughing at. I also liked the ASCII work – reminds me of the good old days of BBS.

  30. If Playstation II does not come out with MissionImpossible:3:IKEA
    and pay you boatloads of royalties, there is no justice in the world.

  31. The strategy guide was invaluable but after following the cheats to the letter I ended up with nothing but three Corras Bedside Tables. I think I need a patch.

  32. Genius.

  33. Like Jill said. We are not wooorthy . . .

    With great admiration.

  34. Don’t mind me. …Just lurking in your life. I had to add my kudos to the growing kudo pile, though. That was great.

    I don’t think my mother twinked me enough upon my creation to facilitate ease in the world of IKEA.

    I’ll have to talk to her about that.

  35. This made me put my head down on my desk and laugh. Thank you.