The Bad Review Revue

Johnson Family Vacation: "If laughs are the currency of any comedy, this one pays minimum wage." -- Rick Groen, GLOBE AND MAIL Connie and Carla: "Vardalos's movies aren't written as much as up-chucked, the result of all-night binges on SnackWells and Oxygen network reruns." -- David Ng, VILLAGE VOICE The Punisher: "The ad for it claims, 'The Punishment Begins April

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Phenomenormal

The Squirrelly had his two-month check-up today. (I know! Two months! It seems like only yesterday he was 59 days old...) He's as healthy as a, uh, healthy as a hornet's nest, or whatever the clich

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Eritrea To Withdraw Troop From Iraq

The Coalition of the Willing suffered another blow today as Eritrea announced its decision to disengage from Iraq and withdraw its troop, rifleman Yosuf Abdulkadir. "Awesome!" Abdulkadir said when he heard the news. "Maybe I'll get back in time to see Kill Bill 2 in the theater!" Bulgaria's three soldiers, however, said they would be sorry to see Abdulkadir go.

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Dear Me

Dear Journalists: Please stop describing each and every confluence of events as a perfect storm. I think we're pretty much done with that. And don't get tricky by putting 'perfect storm' in scare quotes or by calling it a so-called perfect storm, because we all know that's just secret code for "couldn't come up with my own analogy." Also! Dear

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Our Father, Who Art On CD

I spent the weekend listening to the 16 CD James Earl Jones Reads the Bible Deluxe Edition. What a disappointment. Nineteen straight hours of almost complete silence, occasionally punctuated by the soft rustle of Jones turning a page.

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Cosmic Dirge

If you see the glass half-full, you're an optimist. If you see it half-empty, you're a pessimist. When I first saw the New Scientist headline Big Bang glow hints at funnel-shaped Universe, I though it said the universe is "funeral shaped". I'm not sure what that makes me. (Perhaps it makes me Stephen Crane.)

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Outbursts

There are really no words to describe the overwhelming sense of pride a father feels the first time he sees his child shit all the way across a room. I've been boasting about this for a week. "Okay, so imagine our table is the changing station," I told one friend over lunch in a restaurant. "So the baby is here,

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