There are really no words to describe the overwhelming sense of pride a father feels the first time he sees his child shit all the way across a room.

I’ve been boasting about this for a week. “Okay, so imagine our table is the changing station,” I told one friend over lunch in a restaurant. “So the baby is here, right? And that dessert cart, the one way over there, is like the bedroom wall. And he pooped on it! It was awesome.”

The Squirrelly has also discovered the ability to shriek. His interest in shrieking seems mostly academic at this point: he’s just, like, “Wow hey: there’s, like, two whole octaves up there that I haven’t even explored!” Still, it’s always unnerving when he goes from “fast asleep” to “carbon monoxide alarm” in under a second. He doesn’t do it often, thank goodness, and even when he does it seems to be in a “I just wanted to remind you that I know how to do this, and if I ever go colicky you are going to be miserable” kind of way. He’s like a little North Korea, flaunting his nuclear capacity.

11 thoughts on “Outbursts

  1. Babies can shoot poop!??!?

    I am now officially frightened. You’ve postponed the commencement of my child-rearing years at least a year. I’ll let the wife know it was you what caused the delay, too, cuz I sure don’t want to take the brunt of that anger.

  2. Hilarious entry! I laughed so hard I cried! I so needed that today. Thanks for the giggles.

    P.S.- When I was a wee lass, I also had an explosive poop incident. In a very public department store, without warning, and all over my mom’s turtleneck, which she then had to take off over her head. I’m frequently reminded of it when I get “mouthy,” as a means for my mother to implore sympathy.

  3. Heh – I’ve experienced the explosive poop that a baby can evacuate first hand. I had the business end of the little guy pointed at our bathroom mirror, so the only casualties were our toothbrushes. I was trying to wash him at the time, and I think I might have been squeezing him a little too hard.

  4. Baby chickens do the same thing, at some point(circa 1972) i remember running around chasing my friends with “loaded” baby chicks. we often joke this was how paintball was invented

  5. ah the shreiking begins….

    when i was a baby, i had an esophagus problem and i cried constantly…..my parents also dealt with projectile vomit. from what i’ve heard, that constant crying and screaming is torture…im glad The Squirrelly isnt like me!

  6. One time when I was a baby, I apparently peed in my own eye as my Mother was changing me. My brother Tim likes to bring it up.

  7. I told you you’d have more conversations about poop than you ever imagined. ;-)

    Our daughter accomplished a similar feat. Shortly after she was freshly baked and at home, I went to change her diaper. While sitting on our loveseat. See, the couch and the loveseat are perpendicular to each other and the kiddo and I were at the far end of the loveseat. As I lifted her up to put the clean diaper on her, she let out the familiar “poop grunt” and, I shit you not (ha ha), it went over my lap, over the floor, and onto the couch on the other side.

    She is also our child who’s nickname is “Screaming Mimi”. At first, it’s cute when they discover their voices. Then there comes a time when you almost have a heart attack because the child is screaming like someone is trying to kill her (when she was absolutely silent not five seconds ago) but really she’s just screaming because it is some sort of baby fun that people out of diapers just don’t seem to get.

  8. What’s worst is when the baby is sitting on the floor, in a loose-waisted diaper, and does it. There’s no place for it to go but up: it’s pressurized. I witnessed a dungfountain while helping out at a day care center in the area. It was quite the impressive site, shooting up the little tyke’s back and spraying over the other people in the room. More bang for the poop buck, really.

    Made a horrendous mess.


    I laughed til I cried.

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