Friday Afternoon Scrachpad

Another Item On My Lifetime ‘To-Do’ List

Establish a retirement community for washed-up comedians and call it “Wise Acres”

Our Product Will Make Your Teeth Fall Out

From: Lamar <pxtmlyrpnzgzgz@pochta.com>
To: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
Subject: DREAMS

OUR PRODUCT WILL MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE click here!!

From: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
To: Lamar <pxtmlyrpnzgzgz@pochta.com>
Subject: Re: DREAMS

Thanks for the email, Lamar, but that sounds like overkill. If you ever invent something that can make just some of my dreams come true -- those involving flying, for instance -- while skipping over the ones where I haven't done the required reading for a geography exam or I'm being chased by The Wiggles, feel free to write me again.

Cheers,
Matthew

Links

Do not start playing Bowman because then you will not stop playing Bowman.

This shareware text editor is pretty great.

Nigritude Ultramarine.

Hoisted By His Own Petard

In a recent interview, Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, ripped filmmaker Michael Moore for his appropriation of the science-fiction novel’s title. “Michael Moore is a screwed asshole, that is what I think about that case,” said the 84-year-old writer. “He is a horrible human being — horrible human!”

In other news, the latest issue of Rolling Stone features an interview with William Shakespeare, in which the Bard of Avon decries Bradbury’s use of the phrase “something wicked this way comes.” “That mewling cutpurse plucked the title from the pages of my MacBeth direct,” carped the long dead poet and playwright, who later went on to describe Bradbury as “sick in the world’s regard, wretched and low, a poor unminded outlaw sneaking home.”

Speaking Of Which …

I assumed that someone had already made a porn movie entitled “Something Wicked This Way Comes,” but I can’t seem to find it via Google. Man, there’s a vast untapped market right there: adult films based on the works of William Shakespeare. The Taming Of The Screw. A Midsummer’s Night Ream. The Merchant of Penis. The Two Gentlemen of Veronica. And I think we can all agree that Henry VIII could only be improved by the addition of girl-on-girl action.

Update: In the comments, Marcy says: “I took a class … called Shakespeare, Transnational Cinema, and Mass Media. We had to read entire essays devoted to the use of Shakespeare in porn films. More information is available here and here.” The later page includes a review of — yes! — The Taming of the Screw. Thanks, Marcy!

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21 comments.

  1. Bowman – is problem. Can’t stop.

    Are the Wiggles singing “Yummy yummy, fruit salad” whilst chasing you? If so, you have my undying sympathies.

  2. Not to mention:

    Titties Andronicus
    King Queer
    Ass You Like It

  3. I know my British Lit class would have been infinitely more interesting had just one or two of those aforementioned titles been incorporated into the syllabus.

  4. There seem to be a few “…This Way Cums” titles, along with a *ton* of similar fan fiction (fans not of Shakespeare but of Halloween candy, it seems). Not that I clicked any of the links, or anything. Who has time for pseudo gothic pr0n, when there is Bowman?

  5. Hey Marcy, can I borrow your notes from class?

  6. When I was a teenager, there was a science fiction bookstore in town called Merchant of Venus, and my mom didn’t want me to go there until she’d been there herself, because she thought it was referring to Venus in sort of the other direction.

  7. What? I can’t hear you — I’m playing Bowman.

  8. A Midsummer Night’s Cream exists.

  9. would the two gentlemen of Veronica be Arhie and Jug-head?

    If so that might be the next new holy grail of porn.

  10. OK I must now say I will never doubt you again. I now have playing bowmen for almost an hour, although it’s hard to tell time while playing with the wind and wall option on.

  11. I saw a porn rendition of Hamlet once. Of course it was terrible, but it was also foreign, French I think, so it had classicly bad dubbing on top of everything else.

  12. Oh, thanks, guy: Now my 6-year-old daughter is hooked on Bowman, too. (I’m only letting her play it in practice mode — she thinks the blood spots are GROSS.)

    I actually am a little disturbed by the feeling of accomplishment I get when I kill the computer’s bowman on the first shot. But not enough disturbed to stop trying to figure out how to get over the wall against a fast headwind.

  13. If you ever used to watch the HBO series, Dream On, you may recall the episode where Martin starts writing adult movie scripts to earn extra money. He maintains his sanity by writing culturally meaningful films such as Eatapus Rex and Catch Her in the Rear.

    I wholeheartedly agree about the wonders of EditPlus. I have been using it for a few years now, ever since it was recommended by Pith and Vinegar in a post.

  14. A Midsummer Knight’s Cream

  15. Charles Dickens is also a viable option for pornographics rip-offs.

    Dicked Whittington
    A Tale of Two Titties

    etc. etc.

  16. Cool site. You are one smart dude!

  17. Dos 5 shipped with a QBasic program called “Gorillas”. You played against the computer or another player by throwing exploding bananas at each other. You accomplished this by keying in angles and velocity turn by turn – very similar to Bowman (but kid friendly). If you don’t have a version of Dos 5 lying around you can still find Gorilla on the net. I found more info and a deluxe version here:
    http://telcontar.net/Misc/Gorillas/

  18. PS:
    To my knowledge, “Exploding Bananas” is not a porn.

  19. I’ve been using TextPad for a while, not sure if there are advantages over Edit Plus but they look to be similar.

    I’m still a fan of Bradbury, but he shouldn’t go ranting about with his 90 year old self if he can’t remember the titles of his other books. Which, incidentally, don’t make very good pr0n titles: Fahrenheit 14.5″, The Illustrated Manhood, I Shag the Body Electric….

  20. I think I have managed a Bow Man first – my finger slipped off the touch pad on my laptop as I was mid click and I shot myself in the top of the head.

    for some reason, I’m quite proud of this fact.

  21. Richard the Three-Way?

    or

    Richard the (man with a) Third (testicle)