The Democratic National Committee, citing the "unfair advantage" accrued by the Bush campaign in the wake of Ronald Reagan's passing, today called on Bill Clinton to perish in late September or October of this year. "Oh c'mon, you finished your book. What do you have left to live for, Hillary?" asked DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe in a personal appeal to the 42nd President. "Help a brother out -- another Wellstone Memorial would be awesome." McAuliffe suggested to Clinton that he die by "running into a burning building to save a child" or "getting the shiv while thwarting a mugging" for maximum effect. He implored Clinton, however, to assiduously avoid those fatalities that in any way involve oral sex.

Here’s my prodigy of a son trying to cram an object the size of a cantaloup into his piehole:

(Don’t worry, that’s not an enormous 50s-era atom, just a run-of-the-mill winkel. Although it would cool if it were a big atom, because then he’d probably get super-strength or the ability to teleport or something. That’s how radioactivity works, as I understand it.)

We’ve been patiently waiting for The Squirrelly to develop a personality, but, now that he has one, we’re kinda wishing it wasn’t that of a insatiable vortex. Trying to put every object on Earth into his yapper has become his full time hobby. He’s committed to the cause even while sleeping. Last night I reached out and patted his belly while he slept; he responded by seizing my arm and going at my wrist like it was a cob of corn, looking like the world’s most ineffectual wolverine.

Oh well. It’s kind of endearing, watching him endeavor to shove an entire carseat into his mouth with no thought toward what would happen if he succeed. That kind of naive blindness and inability to think about the consequences of his actions gives me hope that, someday, he too will have children.

At work, talking to The Queen on the phone:

Me: How are you getting downtown?

The Queen: I dunno, drive, probably. Maybe take the bus. Do you know which bus goes there.

M: The 37. It leaves that Park & Ride near our house and stops downtown on 4th.

Q: Ugh — I’ll drive. I’ve taken the 37 before, and it’s always full of hyperactive high school kids. I don’t really want to be surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys who don’t know how to handle themselves.

M: Yeah, kids today have forgotten all the essential skills. Why, when I was a teenage boy I handled myself all the time.

{dead air}

M: Okay, well, now I kinda wish I hadn’t said that out loud at the office.

NBC Interview:

Brokaw: Are you worried that in the next nine months or so before the election, that one faction in Iraq will try to become dominant, and especially since we have a constitution in Iraq now that says minority rights?

Bush: Yeah.

Brokaw: What happens then?

Bush: You mean if that constitution is laid aside?

Brokaw: Yes.

Bush: I would hope it wouldn’t be. I would hope that the Iraqi citizenry realizes the importance of recognizing the rights of all people within their country.

The Bush Doctrine in a nutshell: Don’t plan for the worst, just hope it doesn’t happen. These guys are nothing if not optimistic. Honestly, at some point I expect to Bush to go on nationwide tv and urge all Americans to get in on the process. “Iraq won’t fall into chaos if you only believe! Say quick that you believe, America! If you believe, clap your hands. Clap your hands, and our mission in Iraq will succeed.”

It seems like there’s room for compromise in our next election. What if we elect Kerry to the presidency so he could formulate and execute a coherent foreign policy, but we retain Bush in a cabinet-level position — the Secretary of Wistfulness, perhaps — so he can continue to fervently hope that things turn out for the best?

Another Item On My Lifetime ‘To-Do’ List

Establish a retirement community for washed-up comedians and call it “Wise Acres”

Our Product Will Make Your Teeth Fall Out

From: Lamar <pxtmlyrpnzgzgz@pochta.com>
To: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
Subject: DREAMS

Cheers,
Matthew

Links

Do not start playing Bowman because then you will not stop playing Bowman.

This shareware text editor is pretty great.

Nigritude Ultramarine.

Hoisted By His Own Petard

In a recent interview, Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, ripped filmmaker Michael Moore for his appropriation of the science-fiction novel’s title. “Michael Moore is a screwed asshole, that is what I think about that case,” said the 84-year-old writer. “He is a horrible human being — horrible human!”

In other news, the latest issue of Rolling Stone features an interview with William Shakespeare, in which the Bard of Avon decries Bradbury’s use of the phrase “something wicked this way comes.” “That mewling cutpurse plucked the title from the pages of my MacBeth direct,” carped the long dead poet and playwright, who later went on to describe Bradbury as “sick in the world’s regard, wretched and low, a poor unminded outlaw sneaking home.”

Speaking Of Which …

I assumed that someone had already made a porn movie entitled “Something Wicked This Way Comes,” but I can’t seem to find it via Google. Man, there’s a vast untapped market right there: adult films based on the works of William Shakespeare. The Taming Of The Screw. A Midsummer’s Night Ream. The Merchant of Penis. The Two Gentlemen of Veronica. And I think we can all agree that Henry VIII could only be improved by the addition of girl-on-girl action.

Update: In the comments, Marcy says: “I took a class … called Shakespeare, Transnational Cinema, and Mass Media. We had to read entire essays devoted to the use of Shakespeare in porn films. More information is available here and here.” The later page includes a review of — yes! — The Taming of the Screw. Thanks, Marcy!