Hush little baby, don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing
Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass
Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass…
Jesus Christ, who wrote this song? The WTO? It’s like a primer on consumerism. Nothing like exposing kids to positive, empowering messages like “Keep screaming and I’ll buy you crap.”
After I sing this song to The Squirrelly, I like to sit him down and explain how we do things different in the Baldwin household. For example: we don’t care if your mockingbird gets eaten by effin’ coyotes, you ain’t gettin’ no diamond ring. Also: (a) under no circumstances are we buying a billy goat, (2) we’re not going to spring for a horse and cart when you already got a perfectly good cart with that bull we purchased earlier, and (3) if your dog named Rover don’t bark … well, we’ll chalk that up as a bonus.
Honestly, I surprised advertisers haven’t exploited this valuable real estate and inserted their own company’s names into the song. “And if that looking glass gets broke, mama’s gonna buy you Vanilla Coke …”
In fact, if there’s any marketing weasels reading this: for a modest fee I’ll promise to sing a modified version of this lullaby that includes the name of your product to my child at least once a night until he’s four. Drop me a line, we’ll negotiate.
Meanwhile, in other, terrifying news:
It’s like Rosemary’s Baby for the 21st century.