My Son, The Eel

In my junior year of high school, I took the Occupational Aptitude Test designed to reveal which professional fields I was well suited for. I didn't have much faith in these exams, and had even less when my results came back. My highest score was for "zoology" where I scored an impressive 95%; my weakest subject was the one I

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Headline News

"ORAL HYGIENISTS FOR VERISIMILITUDE" SAY BUSH'S WARTIME FILLINGS FIXED "SELF-INFLICTED" CAVITIES "George Bush was not honest about his flossing" claim dentists in explosive new ad

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Research Day: I Get Questions

I do not typically take requests for Research Day, but I've recently been asked an assortment of interest-piquing questions in a variety of situations, and I might as well get them all with one fell swoop. Question asked by The Queen during a commute: Why does this minivan in front of us have a spoiler? This question was already tackled

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The Bad Review Revue

Alien vs. Predator: "Take a wretched premise. Imagine the worst picture that could be made from it. Then imagine something even worse. That's Alien vs. Predator." -- Mick LaSella, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE The Brown Bunny: "An excruciatingly embarrassing display of ego and ineptitude." -- Jim Fusilli, WALL STREET JOURNAL Suspect Zero: "It's not easy to make a thriller that's both

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Sugar Substitute

How to watch boy-band Townsend's video:Go to here.Wait while the page loads up, which will take forever because everyone on teh intarweb is currently hitting it.Get bored, wander off in search of coffee.Return five minutes later to find a handful of queasy-looking coworkers crammed into your office and watching the now-playing video.Try to stammer out an explanation as your workmates

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100 Demeter Dash

With the Olympics in Athens this year, I think the organizers missed a golden opportunity to incorporate some Greek mythological events into the games. Like maybe the synchronized swimmers could sing hypnotic songs and lure passing sailors to a watery grave. Or the weightlifters would have to clean King Augean's stables -- I'd totally watch that on TV. America would

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How Democracy Works

Hello, and welcome to the last 70 days before the US Presidential Election! For those of you new to the process, here's how things will unfold between now and November 2nd:95% of the electorate has performed their civic duty by paying attention to the candidates and issues surrounding the upcoming election, and therefore know who they are going to vote

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Tricks Of The Trade

The Tricks Of The Trade article is now running at The Morning News. A huge "thank you" to the hundreds (!!) of people who responded to my call for occupational secrets. Narrowing it down to 30 was tough, and I hope to post all the suggestions here in the near future. Again, sorry about the lack of names in the

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What Do You Want From Me, Blood?

I donated blood today. I'd love to say that I give blood out of a selfless desire to help the needy -- and, in fact, I do say when I'm trying impress girls -- but the truth is that I hate giving blood, and do it as infrequently as possible. I'd never give blood if the bloodbank guys weren't so

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Guitar Pick

We discuss childrearing.The Queen: The Squirrelly really loves that music class we go to. Me: Oh? Q: Yeah. The teacher plays guitar, and he loves guitar. She even gives lessons to kids, starting at age four, so we might want to sign him up for those when he gets older. I'm thinking he should play guitar or violin. Except violin

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