Jokes

I can go months without hearing a good joke, but yesterday, while trawling the Internets, I came across three that made me chuckle and/or openly weep.

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Juan.

* * * * *

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”

* * * * *

Q: What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

Note: Hundreds of more jokes in the comments.

* * *

264 comments.

  1. Q: What do you call a guy with a shovel stuck into his head?
    A: Doug

    Q: What do you call a guy without a shovel stuck into his head?
    A: Douglas

  2. Q) How many polish soldiers does it take to screw in an Iraqi lightbulb?

    A) Hey! Wait! Where are you guys going??

  3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says “Does this taste funny to you?”

  4. this one is so stupid, but it makes me chuckle.

    q: why is 6 afraid of 7?

    a: because 7, 8 (ate), 9.

  5. This might be old, but it’s better than “orange you glad I didn’t say banana . . . ”

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    The interrupting cow.
    The interr–
    Moo.

  6. Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

    The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.”

    The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

    The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!”

    The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

  7. Where does GW keep his army?

    Up his sleevie.

  8. I just heard this yesterday.

    Q: If you’re an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

    A: European!

  9. 1. A bass drum and a cymbal fall out of a tree

    ba dum dum CHING!
    .

    2. What’s orange and sounds like a Parrot?

    .

    .

    .

    A Carrot!

  10. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

    They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

  11. Q. What’s grey?

    A. A melted penguin.

  12. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:

  13. chrstiane, i actually laughed out loud at that one.

  14. What’s Brown And Sticky?



    A Stick.

  15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

    Right where you left him.

  16. Q. how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

    A. fish

  17. [My mother told me this one. She had just entered college a few months before.]
    Two nude statues – one of a man, one of a woman – stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. “You have an hour to do anything you like, then it’s back on the pedestals with you.”

    The woman looks at the man and asks, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

    He looks at her and says, “Absolutely.”

    They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, “Okay, time’s half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I sh*t on them!”

  18. A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

    The cowgirl replies, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

    The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” she explains, “It’s just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

    “Hasn’t affected my sisters though.”

  19. One day, Kermit Jagger goes into a bank because he needs a loan. He asks the teller and is directed to Ms. Patty Wick. He tells Ms. Wick that he needs a loan. She tells him (rather haughtily) that he needs some sort of collateral because they don’t go loaning frogs money every day.

    So, Kermit reaches into his bag and hands Ms. Wick a small glass elephant. “What is this?” she asks. “We can’t give you a loan using *this* as collateral!” Kermit tells Ms. Wick to go talk to the bank manger.

    So, Ms. Wick goes to the manager and asks him why she should take the glass elephant as collateral. The manager replies……

    “It’s a knicknack, Patty Wick. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

  20. Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
    A. It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

  21. A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest are in an orphanage when the fire alarm goes off. The Buddhist monk exclaims, “A fire! We must save the children!”

    The rabbi says, “Fuck the children!”

    The Catholic priest says, “No time!”

  22. What do you call a man with a very small penis?

    Justin!

  23. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

    Eileen.

    This is my very favorite joke…I just can’t help but laugh.

  24. Q: Why can’t engineers tell jokes timing?

  25. 1. Did you hear about the waiter who got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?

    The boss fired both of them.

    2a. Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, “Make me one with everything.”

    2b. Cashier: “That’ll be $9.50″
    Buddha hands him a ten. Waits. Waits. He says, “Where’s my change?”
    Cashier replies, “Change must come from within”

  26. Why do ducks have flat feet?

    To put out burning camp fires.

    Why do elephants have flat feet?

    To put out burning ducks.

  27. Guy’s a bar with his friends and he’s totalled. He’s three drinks past drunk and as he starts to leave, his vomits all over himself.

    “Oh, damn,” he slurs, “my wife doesn’t like me hanging out with you guys, and now I’m sloppy drunk and stinking and filthy. She’s gonna kill me.”

    “No, no, no.” His buddy says and hands him a bill. “Put this five in your pocket and tell her one of us barfed on you and gave you money for drycleaning.”

    The drunk’s eyes light up and he offers prodigious thanks to his friend before stumbling out the door towards his house.

    He arrives at home to find his wife standing at the door, waiting for him.

    “Good God,” she exclaims, “I don’t like you hanging around with those slobs as it is, and now you come home stinking drunk and covered with your own vomit.”

    “No, no, no, baby, here,” the man says reaching for the five in his pocket and handing it to her, “one of the guys got sick on me and gave me 5 bucks to pay for the drycleaning.”

    “But this is a 10,” the wife says, holding it up.

    “Oh, right, yeah, he also shit my pants.”

  28. Q: If you’re an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

    A: European!

    The joke goes like this: Have you heard about the international restroom? When you go in, you’re Russian. While you’re inside, European. And when you leave, you’re Finnish.

  29. What do you call a dog with iron balls?

    Sparky.

  30. Yeah, but whaddya call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?

    Irene.

  31. Q: What did the perverted frog say?

    A: Rubbit.

  32. I actually did vote for the 87 billion, before I voted against it.

  33. This is so bad I love it:

    A guy walked into a bar and said, “Ow!”

  34. So these two dyslexics walk into a bra…

  35. A guy walked into a bar and said, “Ow!”

    This is my all-time favorite! It helps that it’s short and I can remember it…

  36. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    “Why of course”, comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

    “I’m from Ireland”, replies the second man.

    The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

    “Of Course”, replies the second man.

    Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

    “Dublin”, comes the reply.

    “I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

    “Of course”, replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

    “Saint Mary’s”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”

    “This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

    “What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.

    “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

  37. And also one from the 1990’s:

    How many LAPD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    8 —

    1 to change the lightbulb and 7 to beat the crap out of the guy who broke it in the first place.

  38. The Buddha joke up there reminded me of another one…

    Q. Why can’t the Buddha vacuum in the corner?

    A. Because he has no attatchments.

  39. Why did the blonde go to church?
    [Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.

    Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
    Well, well, well…

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and, as will happen in such situations, over time they fell in love and decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. At the ceremony, the bride broom was stunning in her long white gown and the groom broom was simply dashing in his tuxedo. All their friends came – even the dustbuster – and the wedding was lovely.

    At the reception dinner, the bride broom leaned over to the groom broom and whispered, “Dear, I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!”

    “Impossible!” said the groom broom. “We haven’t even swept together!”

    What does the H. stand for in Jesus H. Christ?
    Haploid.

  40. Q. How did Darth Vader knowe what Luke was getting for Christmas?

    A. He felt his presents.
    .
    .
    Q. What happened when Napolean went to Mount Olive?

    A. Popeye got pissed.
    .
    .
    Q. What did Teresa Heinz Kerry say to John Kerry?

    A. Honey, why the long face?

  41. Q. How did Darth Vader knowe what Luke was getting for Christmas?

    A. He felt his presents.
    .
    .
    Q. What happened when Napolean went to Mount Olive?

    A. Popeye got pissed.
    .
    .
    Q. What did Teresa Heinz Kerry say to John Kerry?

    A. Honey, why the long face?

  42. Joke #1

    How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Three.

    One to screw the lightbulb in and two to sing a folk song about it.

    Joke #2

    What’s white and smells like bananas?

    Monkey spit.

    Thank you, thank you. Remember to tip your wait staff. I’ll be here all week.

  43. Why won’t tigger play with Piglet?

    Because he’s always playing with Pooh.

    How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    LET’S RIDE BIKES!

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, “Hey matey, do you realize you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants there?”

    Pirate says, “Arr… it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

  44. Sparky? SPARKY? Oh man, that’s great. I’ve got to tell my friend about that one…

  45. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

    It got stuck in a trap, bit off three legs and was still stuck.

    By the Way, I loved that bass drum and cymbal joke.

  46. Q: What do you call a Polish astronomer?
    A: Copernicus

  47. Q: What did the female deer say as she came out of the forest?

    A: “I’ll never do that for two bucks again.”

  48. Have you heard about the new pirate movie?

    It’s rated “Arrrrrrr!”

  49. My two favorite (i.e. only) jokes:

    1. Did you hear about the guy who had to quit his job at the orange juice factory? …He wasn’t able to concentrate.

    2. A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?

    They were marooned.

  50. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

    A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re a grasshopper! You know, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Murray?”

  51. What’s Victoria’s Secret?

    She dresses like a slut!

    ————-
    A little boy asks his dad “Dad, what’s the difference between truth and reality?”

    The dad says “Go ask your mother if she would have sex with anyone for a million dollars.”

    The boy asks and she says “Yes.”

    He comes back to his dad and says “She said yes. But what’s the difference between truth and reality?”

    The dad says: “Go ask your sister if she would sleep with anyone for two million dollars.”

    He comes back and says: “She says yes. But dad, what’s the difference between truth and reality?!?”

    The dad says: Well, the truth is we’re sitting on a gold mine but the reality is we’re living with two whores.

  52. Two atoms are leaving a bar, when one realizes that he left his electrons back in the bar.
    His friend asks, “Are you sure?”
    “Yes,” he replies. “I’m positive!”

  53. Ah…love the pirate jokes.

    Q: how much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook?

    A: An arm and a leg

    A pirate wearing two gorgeous hoop earnings walks into a tavern. All the other pirates marvel and exclaim their jelousy – one of them asks: “How much did ye pay fer those?” The pirate responds: “Arrr….a buck an ear…”

    oh yeah

  54. This is so untimely, but it was never nice, so I’m going to say in anyway:

    What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

    Christopher Walken.

    I feel the hate mail coming on.

  55. Two alpha particles and a gamma ray walk into a bar… magnet.

  56. two peanuts are walking down the street. one was assaulted.
    …..
    this one is bad, brace yourselves…
    how many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    two: one to screw it in and one to suck my dick.

  57. This is the best one I’ve heard recently:

    Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
    It’s all over town!

  58. Jeopardy Kids Week has been fun to watch this week, but Ken Jennings doesn

  59. Two muffins are in the oven, cooking.

    One muffin turns to the other and says, “Man, it’s getting really hot in here.”

    The other muffin says, “Holy Shit! A talking muffin!”

  60. There was an old Iraqi man who had lived 40 years in the USA (Chicago) and who wanted to plant potatoes in his garden. However he was a little too old and frail to till the soil before planting so he wrote an e-mail to his only son who was in Paris studying at the time, explaining his problem.

    Dear Ahmed,
    I am feeling very sad because I will be unable to plant my potatoes this year. I am far too old for such heavy work. If only you were here my problems would disappear, for you are young and strong and could till and turn the soil without any bother.
    Love Papa.

    A couple of days later he received a mail from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Whatever you do don

  61. Painful but it did make me chuckle:

    Patient: Doctor, I can

  62. Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the barmaid says “why the long face?”

    And my current fave:
    A man walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm and says
    ‘This is the pig I have been fucking’
    His wife says’ That’s not a pig that’s a duck’
    He replies ‘ I wasn’t talking to you’

  63. This guy goes into a chemist (drug-store) for some Viagra.

    “Can I get it over the counter?”, he asked

    “You can if you take three”, said the chemist

  64. What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer ?
    You only need to punch information into a computer once.

  65. “That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon

  66. Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual.
    So what do you call someone that only knows one language?

    A) An American.

  67. Two blondes are walking in the woods when they come across some tracks.
    “Those are bear tracks,” says the first blonde.
    “No,” says the second blonde, “those are deer tracks!”
    And they were still arguing when the train hit them.

    My other favorite joke:

    Two goldfish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive one of these things?”

  68. What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle’s back?

    Wheeeeeeeeee!

  69. The talking muffin in a slightly more sofisticated version:

    Three racing horses was, let’s say, hanging in the bar, trying to impress each other.

    The first said; Well, I’ve raced 25 times and won 17 of them.
    The other one; Uh, that’s nothing man… …I’ve started 54 times and was the winner 45 of them.
    The third laughed and said; You’re a copule of loosers. I have done 84 races and I did win 76!

    Suddenly a voice from below was humming and a Greyhound Wippet was going “Hrrrm, hrrrmm…

    …I just would like to say that I have raced 150 times and won all of them!”

    The horses where stunned… …and couldn’t say anything at first. At last one of them cried out:

    HEY GUY’s, A TALKING DOG!

    I think that one is a little better ;).

  70. What do you call an Irishman who looks forward to the Spring?

    Paddy O’ Furniture.

  71. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    A: No eye deer.

    Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

    A: Still no eye deer.

    Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A: A fsh.

  72. Two cows are standing in a pasture.

    The first cow says, “Have you heard about this new mad cow disease?”

    The second cow says, “I don’t care, I’m a helicopter!”

  73. A guy leaves town to become a pirate and comes back after a few years on the high seas. He runs into an old buddy of his on the street, and they start to chat:

    “Hey, I hear you’re a pirate now! I see you’ve got a hook for an arm. What happened?”

    “Well, we were sailing with a hold full of treasure and another pirate ship attacked us and took the gold! One of ‘em cut off me hand with his cutlass!”

    “That’s terrible! I’m so sorry! I see you have an eyepatch, too. What happened?”

    “Well, I was up in the crow’s nest as a lookout and a seagull shat in me eye!”

    “Oh, no! But why do you need an eyepatch for that?”

    “Arr, well, I wasn’t used to me hook yet.”

  74. what do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinocerous?

    -‘Elephino (hell if i know)
    so bad and done much better in person, i apologize

  75. A man is standing behind a woman at the checkout line. She’s got a pint of ice cream, a bunch of bananas, a gallon of milk and some bread. The man looks at these items carefully and then asks the woman, “Are you single?” She replies, “Wow, can you tell that just by looking at what I’m buying?” He says, “No, I can tell that because you’re ugly as hell.”

  76. I weep with mirth.

    Similar to the “monkey spit” one-

    What’s invinsible and smells like worms?

    Bird farts.

  77. Man

  78. A plane crashes in the desert, and there are only three survivors… three lovely women: A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette.

    They decide to walk in hopes of finding help. As they are walking, the stumble across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a magic gene pops out of the lamp much to their surprise.

    The gene says, “since there are three of you, I will grant you one wish each”… So, thinking very hard, the blonde says first, “I wish I were 100 times smarter…”
    and POOF, she turns into a readhead.

    The read head seeing this, and forgetting about their urgency in the desert says, “well, I wish I were 100 times smarter too!”
    and poof, she was turned into a brunette

    The brunette sees this, and is overcome with envy and jealously… no longer being the smartest of the group… so, pushing aside her desire to leave the desert, she says “Well… then, I want to be 1000 times smarter!! (and chuckles)”

    and POOF, she was turned into a man.

  79. The judge looks down on Mickey and says, “I’m not going to grant you a divorce just because Minnie was having and affair.”
    Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was cheating, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

  80. The owner of a local bar noticed that his sales were going down and decided to try holding a contest to get more people to come in. Since his hobby was body-building; he decided it should be a contest of strength. That way he reasoned; he’d never lose and would still get all the extra customers. So the next night, he stood up in the bar and issued his challenge. He set a lemon up on the bar and shouted out “I’m willing to pay $500 plus whatever’s in the pot to anybody who can squeeze more juice out of this lemon than I can. It costs $2 to play. Any takers?”

    A bunch of guys rushed over and tossed in their $2. Then the bar owner picked up the lemon, which was completely dwarfed by his massive hand and crushed it. Lemon juice ran like a river out of his hand. The competitors looked discouraged but all of them tried to get more juice out of it. Alas, their efforts were in vain.

    This continued night after night and drew more & more people to the bar. Bigger and stronger guys came in but none of them were able to get so much as a drop of juice from the lemon after the bar owner was done with it.

    Then one night a very small, frail-looking man came into the bar. He watched the proceedings and after everyone else in the bar had tried to squeeze more juice from the lemon; he walked up to the bar owner. He said “Here’s my $2; I’d like to try squeezing the lemon.”

    The bar owner looked down at the man and laughed at him. “You think you can beat me, little man? HA!”

    The small man just ignored them, took the lemon from bar owner and squeezed it. The flood of juice that came out of the lemon while the small man was squeezing it made the juice the bar owner had extracted look like the tiniest of drops.

    Everybody in the bar was stunned into silence. The bar owner looked at the small man with awe and asked how he’d done that?

    The man looked up with a smile on his face and said, “I work for the IRS.”

  81. Why didn’t they play cards on Noah’s Ark?
    Because Noah was sitting on the deck.

    A termite walks into a bar and says:
    Is the bar tender here?

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

    How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None: Don’t worry about me. I’ll just sit here alone in the dark.

  82. A snail walks into a Cadillac dealership and tells a salesman he needs the most expensive car they have. The salesman, estatically thinking of his comission, shows him the top of the line caddy.

    She snail says, “This is perfect, except for one thing. I need to have a very large “S” painted on each door.

    The salesman asks, “Why in the world would you want that?”

    The snail replies, “Because, when I’m driving down the street, I want everyone to say, “Jesus! Look at that S car go!

  83. A captain tells the crew of his rapidly sinking ship, “Any of you know any prayers?”
    One yeoman raises his hand.
    “Good. You stay here and pray; the rest of us will get the hell outta here-we’re one lifejacket short.”

    There was a new bartender in town. One night, a man ran into the bar and screamed “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, BIG JAKE IS COMIN’!” Everybody ran out the door shrieking in fear, except the terrified bartender.

    An enormous man with more tattoos than skin stalks into the bar. He says, “I’ll take a vodka. Now.” The petrified bartender hands him the bottle. He drains it, and then eats the shot glass, followed by the bottle. The bartender, quivering in fear, says “Would you…would you like anything else?”

    The hulking brute says “No thanks. I’ve got to get out of here. Didn’t you hear? Big Jake is comin’!”

    How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

    That’s not funny at all.

  84. hey, did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon?

    I heard it was a Thai!!

  85. How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Ten. One to change it, nine to say they could have done it better.

    How many divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One. The diva holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

    Jesus is sitting in a square in Nazareth, when a crowd approaches. They throw a woman, bound and beaten, at his feet. A man at the front says to Jesus, “Rabbi, this woman was found in the very act of adultery, and under the law of Moses such women are to be stoned. What say you to this?”

    Jesus replies, “That the one among you who is without sin may cast the first stone.”

    A rock flies from the back of the crowd, striking the woman square in the forehead, killing her instantly.

    Jesus stands, looks over the mob, and says, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!”

  86. A baby harp seal walks into a club.

  87. An ethics question:

    If you were able to clone yourself, and you took your clone to the top of a building, striped all his clothes off and pushed him off over the edge…

    Would it be?

    1. murder

    2. suicide

    3. just another obscene clone fall

  88. Q, whats got eight legs and one eye?

    A, two chairs and half a dogs head

  89. What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
    Cuatro, cinco!

  90. A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell grapes.” The duck leaves.

    The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell grapes.”

    The following day, the duck returns and asks,”Got any grapes?” The bartender loses it. He grabs the duck by the neck, and yells, “I already told you twice! This is a bar! I don’t have any grapes! If you ask me again, I’ll nail your beak to the floor!”

    The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?” The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don’t have any nails.” The duck says, “Good. Got any grapes?”

  91. sorry cant help meself… 3 more.

    how many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
    does it have to be a lightbulb?

    how many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    i dunno… what do YOU think?

    whats green and brown, has 6 legs and would kill you if it fell on you from out of a tree?
    a pool table.

  92. Haha, loving the physics jokes.

    Incidentally, I never remember jokes.

  93. Why did the pervert cross the road?
    .
    .
    .
    Still had his wang stuck in the Chicken.
    .
    .
    [I am so, so sorry]

  94. God has created Adam and a beautiful Eden for him to live in.

    He then says to Adam: “I will now make you the perfect companion; she will be everything you could ever want, and bring joy to every second of your life.”

    Adam is overjoyed, and anxiously awaiting this miracle.

    God says: “Of course, there is a cost. I’ll need one of your arms and one of your legs as starting materials.”

    Adam thinks a bit (rubbing his chin and looking down at his foot), and replies: “Well then… what can I get for a rib?”

  95. lol

  96. A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. While he’s drinking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats the cue ball.

    The bartender says to the guy, “What’s wrong with your monkey? He just ate one of the pool balls!”

    The guy replies, “I can’t help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn’t seem to be a thing I can do to stop it.” He picks up the monkey, and leaves.

    A few days later, the man and him monkey are back at the bar. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it back out and eats it.

    The bartender exclaims, “What the hell is up with that monkey!?”

    The guy answers, “He still eats everything, but after the cue ball , he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats it.”

    Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

  97. No, no, it’s:

    Why did the dead baby cross the road?

    Because it was STAPLED to a chicken.

    And thanks for posting the full version of the pig with the peg leg. It’s my family’s favorite joke, to the point where we just mutter to each other “a pig that special…” and everyone cracks up.

  98. No, no, it’s:

    Why did the dead baby cross the road?

    Because it was STAPLED to a chicken.

    And thanks for posting the full version of the pig with the peg leg. It’s my family’s favorite joke, to the point where we just mutter to each other “a pig that special…” and everyone cracks up.

  99. F**king Internal Server Errors. Sorry for the double post.

  100. Is it ok to post a pervy joke? Here it goes anyway……

    Q. Why is anal sex better than oral sex?

    A. Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your whole week.

  101. how many W.A.S.P.s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    one.

    what did the W.A.S.P. bridge wear to her wedding?

    white.

    thank you. thank you. remember, the 7:30 show is completely different from the 9:30 show. enjoy your meal.

  102. bride

  103. Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

    Because she’s a woman.

  104. A man just bought a brand new Ferrari. He’s cruising down the road when a little bunny hops across. The man swerves to avoid killing the bunny and in the process wraps his brand new Ferrari ’round a tree. Weeping, he gets out.

    The bunny hops up to him and says:
    “Gee thanks dude! Didn’t see ya coming… shame about your wheels, but I tell you what… I’m a magic bunny! You have one wish!”

    The man thinks long and hard and finally says:
    “Well I’ve always wanted to be able to piss champagne!”

    The bunny snaps his paw and says:
    “There you go, dude. You’ll always piss champagne from now on. See ya!” and hops off into the horizon.

    The man calls a cab, goes home and says to his wife:
    “Honey, you’ll never believe it! I met a magic bunny and now I piss champagne!”

    Wifey says: “Great lemme get some glasses!”

    Man says: “Just one baby. You’re drinking from the bottle!”

    (Believe it or not – my mother told me this one!)

  105. A piece of rope walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Are you a piece of rope?” and the piece of rope says yes. The bartender picks him up and throws him out, saying, “We don’t serve ropes here!”

    The piece of rope picks himself up, dusts himself off, and walks into the next bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Are you a piece of rope?” and the piece of rope says yes. The bartender picks him up and throws him out, saying, “We don’t serve ropes here!”

    Undaunted, the piece of rope picks himself up, dusts himself off, and walks into the next bar. But instead of going to the bar, he goes into the bathroom, twists himself around, pulls at the top of his head, and then he goes to the bar and orders a drink.

    The bartender looks at him and says, “Are you a piece of rope?” and the piece of rope says, “No. I’m afraid not.”

  106. What is better than winning 1st place at the Special Olympics?

    Not being retarded!

  107. A Mexican, a Russian and a Texan were sitting in a boat talking.

    The Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes one sip and throws the rest overboard.

    The Mexican exclaims, “What’d you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of vodka!”

    The Russian replies, “Where I come from, we have plenty of it. I’m not worried.”

    The trio are talking again when the Mexican pulls out a large joint, lights it, takes one puff and tosses the remainder overboard.

    The Russian inquires, “What’d you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint.”

    The Mexican responds, “Where I come from, we have plenty. I’m not worried.”

    The three are speaking again when the Texan stands up, picks up the Mexican and throws him overboard.

    (could be changed to fit the region)

  108. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    It only takes one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

  109. Q. What did the zero say to eight?
    A. Nice belt.

  110. Two weeks before his wedding day a man is riding his bike when suddenly a child wanders in front of him. To avoid hitting him he swerves, hits a tree and at the force of impact is thrown forward ramming his (insert favorite term for male genitals here) into the handle bars of the bike. (ouch!)

    He’s immediately rushed to the hospital and after examining him the doctor says, “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid we are going to have to amputate the appendage.”

    Then man is horrified exclaiming, “But Doctor! I’m going to be married in two weeks to a beautiful woman and I’ve been saving myself for marriage! Is there anything you can do!?”

    “Well… ” says the Doctor, “There’s this new operation that involves using the trunk of an elephant to as a replacement for the lost body part. It’s still controversial and not all of the kinks are worked out of the system but if you’re will to try it…”

    “I’ll do anything!” Interupts the man.

    TWO WEEKS LATER…

    The man is sitting next to his mother-in-law eating dinner at the reception when his newly attached elephant trunk reaches up and grabs the baked potato off his mother-in-law’s plate.

    Embarassed, the man apologizes, “I’m sorry! Ever since my operation, random things like this have been happening.”

    His mother-in-law winks and says, “That’s okay, you know, I wouldn’t mind seeing that again! The marvels of modern medicine are just fascinating to me.”

    The man says, “Well, I’d love to show you again, but I don’t think I can fit another baked potato up my ass!”

  111. From Dave Chappelle, working as a correspondent for the Tonight Show at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City:

    To an injured athelete (groin muscle pull): “Yeah, that sucks, I pulled my groin just yesterday … (wait for it) … 50 or 60 times !!!”

    I use that one (much to the chagrin of my friends) as often as possible…

  112. Little Emily can’t sleep one night, so she gets up and goes to her parents’ bedroom for comfort. Lo and behold, she walks in on them having sex.

    Emily starts to cry, “Mommy! Mommy! What are you doing to daddy?!”

    The mother grabs her robe and takes Emily back to her room to explain. “Do you know how we talked last week about mommy bringing you a little brother or sister?”

    “Uh huh, I want a sister,” Emily sniffed.

    “Well mommy wants you to have a sister too, and this is something that mommy needs to do to bring you a little sister.”

    Emily is confused, but accepts it and goes back to sleep.

    A few nights later, Emily can’t sleep again, and she once again goes to her parents’ bedroom, and this time she walks in on her mother giving her father a blow job.

    “Mommy, mommy, now what are you doing to daddy?!?” she cries, and runs back to her room crying.

    Her mother runs after her and explains, “Do you remember last week when we talked about how mommy wants you to have a sister?”

    “Uh huh,” Emily sniffs.

    “Well, mommy’s changed her mind. Now she wants a BMW.”

  113. What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

    de”calf”inated

  114. oh yeah…and the final part of the deer with no eyes and no legs joke is:

    what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no balls?

    still no fucking eye deer

  115. Why are wedding dresses white?

    So the dishwasher matches the oven and fridge!

  116. Surrealist #2:

    Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

  117. Q. What do you call a Chinese Firefighter.

    [what for any response]

    A. A Firefighter you racist!

  118. A: Ok, so how do you get an elephant into a Safeway (grocery store) bag?

     B: Uh, I dunno – how?

    A: You take the “S” out of Safe, and the “F” out of way…

     B: Uh – there’s no “F” in way!

    A: *grins, & walks away

  119. In the course of his religious career, Ghandi walked all over India – barefoot. He also ate very sparingly and, sorry to say, oral hygiene was not at the top of his agenda. (Had a people to free and all, y’know).

    He was the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  120. How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Well I guess you weren’t fuckin’ there, were ya?!

  121. Four people were flying across the country in a private jet: the pilot, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and his grandson. Halfway across, the jet started having engine trouble.

    “Bad news,” said the pilot. “We’re going down. Not only that, there are four of us and only three parachutes. I’m the pilot, so clearly I should survive so that I can tell everyone what went wrong, so I’m taking a parachute.”

    The pilot strapped on a parachute and jumped out.

    “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world,” said the smartest man in the world. “I have great intrinsic value to the world, so clearly I should survive, so I’m taking a parachute.”

    The smartest man in the world strapped on a parachute and jumped out.

    “Grandson, I want you to take the last parachute,” the old man said. “Now, don’t argue. I’ve had a good life, and you need to be brave and carry on the family name, so clearly, you should survive. Take the last parachute.”

    “Oh, that’s okay, Grandpa,” said the grandson. “The smartest man in the world? He just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

  122. a pederast and a little boy are walking through the woods late one night.

    the little boy says, “it’s so dark and scary in these woods! i’m terrified!”

    the pederast says, “you’re scared? i gotta walk outta here alone!”

  123. A man and his son were walking down the street when they happened upon two dogs having sex.

    “Daddy, Daddy, what are they doing?”

    “Well, son…they’re making puppies,” the father explained.

    The son thought about this for a while, and said “Oh.”

    That night, the son walked in on his parents having sex.

    “Daddy, Daddy, what are you doing?”

    “Well, son…we’re making babies.”

    The son thought about this for a while, and said “Oh. Well, turn her over, Daddy. I want puppies.”

  124. sorry, but i couldnt resist….

    What’s the difference between jesus and a painting of jesus?

    It only takes one nail to hang the painting

  125. Galinda the good witch of the North was walking through Oz; when she ran across a little yellow toad who was sitting under a tree crying. She stopped and asked him what was the matter?

    “All the other toads laugh at me and won’t let me join in their games because I’m all yellow!” he replied.

    So Galinda waved her magic wand and touched the toad on his head. In a flash of light the toad turned green and he was dancing for joy.

    Suddenly he stopped dancing and started crying even louder than before. Again, Galinda asked him what was wrong?

    He shouted out “My dick is still yellow! Oh please, please! You CAN’T leave me like this!”

    Galinda looked sadly at the little toad and said, “That’s beyond my power to fix; you must go and see the wizard.”

    So the sad little toad went hopping off to see the wizard and Galinda continued with her walk. Shortly there after, under another tree, Galinda found a pink elephant sobbing away. She asked him was wrong.

    He replied “All the other elephants make fun of my color!” So Galinda waves her wand and in a flash of light the elephant turned grey. The elephant starts off dancing and happy but then looks down and immediately starts crying louder than before.

    “What’s wrong Mr. Elephant?” asked Galinda.

    He cried out “My dick is still pink!”

    “Then you’ll just have to go and see the wizard” Galinda answered.

    “But I don’t know where he lives!” said the elephant.

    “Why that’s no problem Mr. Elephant; you just have to follow the yellow-dicked toad!”

  126. Q: what do you get when you stab a baby?

    A: a boner

  127. How do you get a bass player off your front porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.

    __________________________

    What do you call someone with no talent who hangs around with a band?

    A singer.

    __________________________

    How can you tell there’s a drummer at the door?

    The knocking speeds up and they don’t know when to come in.

  128. A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but ceran wrap. The Doctor looks up at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts!”

  129. Why does the Pope wear underwear in the shower?

    He doesn’t want to look down on the unemployed.

  130. I love light bulb jokes:

    Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Four — one to screw it in, three to complain that it’s electric.

    Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Two — one to screw it in, one to screw it up.

    Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None — we’re all gonna die anyway.

    Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to screw it in, and one to make sure he doesn’t say “nipple” while he’s doing it.

    Q: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.

    Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two — the same number it takes to screw anywhere else.

    Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Depends on what you want to change it into. . .

    And lastly. . .

    Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: 1,331
    1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
    53 to flame the spell checkers
    156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
    41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
    109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
    203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
    111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
    27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
    3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
    33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
    12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
    19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
    1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
    47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
    143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

  131. A cannibal comes across a couple of missionaries in the jungle. One of the missionaries is writing a letter to the Pope while the other one is reading from the Bible.

    Which one does he eat?

    The one who is reading from the Bible of course, because Readers Digest, writers cramp.

  132. The judge looks down on Mickey and says, “I’m not going to grant you a divorce just because Minnie was having and affair.”
    Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was cheating, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

    No, no, no — it’s a lawyer joke! Mickey’s laywer says, “Your honor, my client requests a divorce from his spouse Minnie on the grounds that she is insane.” And Mickey says, “You idiot, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

  133. Bendy, you messed up one of my favorite jokes! hehe

    Here it is as it should be:

    Judge: So you want to divorce Minnie because she’s crazy?

    Mickey: No, I didn’t say she’s crazy. I said she’s fucking Goofy!

  134. What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

    Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 14.

  135. A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench. A ten-year-old boy walks by.

    The priest eyes him and says to the rabbi, “Boy, I’d love to screw him.”

    The rabbi replies curiously, “Outta what?”

    (Best told with gestures and an offensive Jewish voice.)

  136. what do you call a deer with no eyes?

    no idea (eye-deer)

    what do call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    still no idea

    what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?

    still no fucking idea.

  137. Three friends are sitting at a bar. At one point, an older gentleman walks up to them. Looking at the one in the middle, he screams: “I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!!!” Offended, but calm, the guy shoos the older man away and shrugs it off, and continues to keep drinking.

    A few minutes later, the same older man walks up again and screams: “I FUCKED YOUR MOM BUT GOOD!!!” Again, the guy shrugs it off and continues to drink with his buddies.

    The third time, the older guy stumbles up and screams: “I FUCKED YOUR MOM IN THE ASS!!!”

    Finally, the guy looks at the older man and says: “Dad, go home. You’re drunk.”

  138. An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

    He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”

    She replied, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women.”

    The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

    He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

  139. Q: What do the 58,000 battered women in America have in common?

    A: They wouldn’t fuckin’ listen!

  140. Can’t believe nobody posted this one yet.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

  141. How many yuppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    NONE! Yuppies screw in jacuzzis!

  142. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothing, you already told her twice.

    What’s a four letter word for a woman, that ends with the letters U-N-T?
    Aunt.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
    He believe there is no dog.

  143. Nonono, he’s a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. Lies awake all night *wondering* if there’s a dog.

  144. The owner of a small travelling circus finds himself looking over the books. Receipts have been down for a couple of months. He realizes it is because his main attraction, a female gorilla, has just been moping around and hiding in the corner of her cage. No one wants to pay to see that. So, he calls in the local vet and asks him to look her over.

    After a complete exam the vet finds the owner and tells him that she is healthy, just a little depressed. He asks the owner if she has ever been bred. “No.” replies the owner, “We are just a small circus and travel mainly through the midwest. Where am I going to find another gorilla to breed with her?”
    “I don’t know.” says the vet. “But I think she would perk up if you did.” So, the owner pays the doc and goes to bed that night mulling over the situation. In the morning he wakes with a start and thinks he has an idea. He goes out to find Atlas his strongman act.

    “Atlas,” he says. “Would you fuck our gorilla if I gave you a big bonus?” “What? That ugly thing? Hey I’ve got my pride, you know.” “Please…” begs the owner, “You know she’s our star attraction. If she doesn’t stop moping around we’ll lose money and I’ll have to close down. I’ll give you a thousand dollars! Please…!”

    Atlas thinks for a bit. “OK. For 5 thousand bucks and you have to put a sack over her head so I don’t have to look at her. And you better give me a couple of your Viagras.”

    Well, the owner knows Atlas has him over a barrel, so he agrees. Later that day he goes to the cage with Atlas and the gorilla’s two handlers and watches as they go in and put a burlap sack over her head. She doesn’t seem to care and just sits there sighing to herself. The handlers stand back as Atlas strips down and enters the cage. He approaches the gorilla and she turns to face him. She sniffs the air as he approaches. She reaches out to him and starts fondling his genitals. Atlas closes his eyes and just thinks about the 5 grand and waiting for the Viagra to kick in. The gorilla starts getting more and more excited. When Atlas is fully erect she picks him up and throws him to the ground on his back. She quickly mounts him and starts jumping up and down on his erection. The gorilla grabs his shoulders and starts slamming him up and down as she goes absolutely crazy with lust. Atlas is moaning and groaning and starts yelling “Get it off. Get it off!” as his head bangs on the ground. The handlers rush to him and start pulling the gorilla off of him and he shouts “No…No! Get the bag off! I want to kiss the bitch!”

  145. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

    Skid marks in front of the dog.

  146. Can’t believe we got this far without a lawyer joke. Here’s another:

    What do you call a bus full of lawyers, except for one seat, going over a cliff?

    A missed opportunity.

  147. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from prison one night. They run through the woods, through the fields, they cross streams and rivers, dodge snakes and bears. All the while, the police are after them. Finally, they can run no more and they find an old barn. They run to the barn and climb up into the loft to rest and to hide.

    A few minutes later, they hear the deputies come into the barn below them. One says to the other:

    “Climb that ladder and see if they’re in the loft.”

    The girls don’t know what to do; they look around and find a pile of burlap bags and quickly crawl into them.

    The deputy climbs into the loft, looks around and calls down, “There’s nothing up here, just a few burlap sacks of something.”

    The other guy says, “Well, give ‘em a kick and make sure.”

    So the deputy walkes over to the bag with the brunette in it, gives it a little kick and the brunette says, “Woof, woof” The Deputy calls down, “Ahh, just some puppies in that one.”

    He gives the bag with the redhead in it a little kick, and the redhead says, “Meow, meow” The deputy calls down, “Ehh, just some kittens in that bag.”

    The blonde knows what’s coming next. The deputy walks over and gives her bag a little kick and she says, “Potato, potato.”

    Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be at the Gag Shack in Des Moines next week. You’ve been great!

  148. An 800 pound gorilla escapes from the zoo one day. The zookeepers chase him up a tree, but they aren’t able to get him out of the tree, so they the call goes out to a guy listed as a “Gorilla Catcher” in the yellow pages.

    Twenty minutes later, a skinny old man shows up in a beat up truck. He gets out the truck, brings a cattle prod, a shotgun and 3 pound Chihuahua with him and says he’s there to get the gorilla out of the tree.

    The zookeepers get mad. “Mister, no way are we gonna let you shoot our gorilla out of the tree.”

    The man says, “I ain’t gonna shoot him. I’m gonna climb up there with this cattle prod and give him a little jolt so that he falls to the ground.”

    “So what?” the zookeepers say. “That’ll just make him mad and then we’ll have an angry 800 pound gorilla down on the ground with us.”

    “Well, that’s where my dog Killer comes in. You see, Killer is a very special dog. He is trained to dart in under that gorilla’s reach and clamp down on his balls. Soon as Killer grabs his balls, that gorilla will calm down and y’all can cart him away.”

    “Well then, what’s the shotgun for?”

    “Every once in a while, I miss with the cattle prod and the gorilla knocks ME out of the tree. If that happens, you use the shotgun to shoot Killer.”

  149. A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
    looks up and says to the monkey

    “hey! what are you doing? “The monkey says “smoking a joint, come up and
    have some.”

    So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
    joints.

    After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘ dry ‘and is going to get a
    drink from the river.

    The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
    river.

    A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
    side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you??”

    The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting with

    the monkey in a tree smoking a joint, got too stoned and then fell into the
    river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
    finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint,

    and he looks up and calls to the monkey ” Hey! ”

    The Monkey looks down and says ” fuuuuuuuckk…….how much water did you
    drink??”

  150. A correction to the Mickey joke.. it should go like this.

    The judge says to Mickey, ” I can’t grant you a divorce because you think Minnie is crazy.”

    ” I didn’t say she was crazy,” says Mickey, ” I said she was fucking Goofy!”

  151. Two guys are out hunting when one of them stops to take a leak. While draining the lizard, a snake bites him right on the peepee. He falls to the ground, writhing in pain. His buddy comes running over to see what happened. The victim yells out to him to use his cell phone to call for help.

    The rescuer calls 911 and says, “I need help, quick! WE’re way out in the woods and my buddy just got bitten by a snake. What do I do?”

    VICTIM: “What’d they say”

    BUDDY: “Wait a minute, they’re looking it up.”

    911: “OK, first tie a tourniquet between the wound and the victim’s heart.”

    The buddy runs over and does as he’s told.

    BUDDY: “OK, did that. Now what?”

    OPERATOR: “Now, you have to suck the poison out.”

    Long silence.

    VICTIM: “What? What did she say?”

    BUDDY: “Operator, could you repeat that, please?”

    OPERATOR: “You have to suck the poison out of the wound. That’s the only way to get it out of him.”

    Another long silence, and the buddy hangs up.

    VICTIM: “WHAT DID SHE SAY,DAMMIT?”

    BUDDY: “She said you’re gonna die.”

  152. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    It was dead.

    Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
    It was stapled to the first monkey.

    Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure.

  153. A traveller in America from Mexico needs some socks, but he speaks no English. So he finds a department store and walks up to a salesperson. The salesperson says, “May I help you?”

    He replies, “No hablo ingl

  154. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

    Damn.

  155. Q: What do you call a guy who has no musical talent but wants to be in a band anyway?
    A: The Lead Singer.

    Q: How do you get a guitarest to stop playing?
    A: Put sheet music in front of him.

    Q: How do you get a bassist off your lawn?
    A: Give him the pizza money.

    Q: What’s the range on a trumpet?
    A: Depends how hard you kick it.

  156. It should be noted now that the following jokes are probably offensive.

    Q: What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a caddillac?
    A: I don’t have a caddillac in my garage.

    Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
    A: Depends how hard you throw ‘em.

    Q: What’s worse than a pile of dead babies?
    A: The one still alive at the bottom trying to eat his way to the top.

    Q: What’s red, slimy, and crawling up your leg?
    A: A homesick abortion

  157. Why hasn’t NASA sent a woman to the moon?
    It doesn’t need cleaning yet.

    I went to the doctor.
    He said “you’ve got a very serious illness”
    I said “I want a second opinion”
    He said “all right, you’re ugly as well”

    Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
    Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

  158. What do software pirates say?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    “CD-ARRR!”

  159. More lightbulb jokes:

    q. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    a. Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to not screw in the lightbulb.

    q. How many road construction workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    a. Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to idly stand by and watch.

  160. Two snowmen standing in a field. One asks the other, “Do you smell carrots?”

  161. What does it mean when a guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

    The stage is level.

    What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

    Homeless.

  162. What does it mean when a guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

    The stage is level.

    What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

    Homeless.

  163. glick missed one of my favorites

    whats worse than a baby nailed to a tree?

    a baby nailed to a puppy.

  164. Person 1: What’s the difference between an elephant and a bag of potatoes?
    Person 2: I don’t know, what?
    Person 1: I’m so never sending you to the store for a bag of potatoes.

  165. What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef
    .
    .
    What do you call a cow that’s pleasuring itself?

    Beef strokin’off
    .
    .
    Did you hear about the Polish family that died at sea?
    They tried to build a basement in their houseboat.
    .
    .
    Q: How do you make a German omelet?

    A: (bad accent) Vell, firsht you occupy ze kitchen…
    .
    .
    One day a British chap comes home early from work and finds his wife in bed with _three_men_!

    He stiffens his back and exclaims to all, “‘elllllo ‘ello ‘ello!”

    His wife looks at him and says, “Wot?.. you don’t say hi to _me_?”

  166. mmm… dead baby jokes. My favorite:

    How do you make a dead baby float?

    Start with a blender and two scoops of ice cream…

  167. Q: Why do you take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

    A: Because, if you just take one, he will drink all the beer.

  168. What’s red and white and swings across the room?

    A dead baby on a meat hook.

    What’s green, black and yellow and swings across the room?

    Same baby, two weeks later.

  169. A man walks into the library.

    Man: “Excuse me. Could you point me in the direction of the Immaculate Conception Church on Maria Avenue? I’ve seen it once or twice, but I can’t remember how to get there.”

    Librarian: “Well sir, there is an Immaculate Conception Church about three blocks north of the library, but there’s no street named Maria anywhere around here.”

    Man: “That can’t be right. I distinctly remember a sign out in front of the church with the street name along the top.”

    Librarian: “What exactly did it say sir?”

    Man: “Well, they actually had it backwards for some reason, so that it read ‘Ave Maria’.”

  170. So Ollie goes to this party. He meets a really good looking girl there, and they hit it off. They spend the entire time just parked on the couch talking to one another. The party starts winding down, and the woman says, “Ollie, I’d really like to invite you back to my apartment, but, well, I’m on my menstrual cycle, and you know how that is.”

    Ollie replies, “Oh, don’t worry, I’m on my moped. I’ll just follow you!”

  171. Why can’t seagulls fly over the bay?

    Because then they would be bagels.

  172. dead baby jokes, funny, but not funny.

    What is the difference between a Cadillac and 100 dead babies?

    I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.
    ________
    How do you make a baby float?

    Root beer and two scoops of baby.
    ________
    Blonde Jokes
    What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

    A frosted flake

  173. What’s worse than seven dead babies in a dumpster?

    One dead baby in seven dumpsters *dodges thrown blunt objects*

  174. On reaching manhood, the farmer’s son is given a duck. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything more to give you, son,” the farmer tells him. “Let’s just see how enterprising you are.”

    The son goes into town and first off goes in the brothel. He explains it’s his birthday to the madam and that all he has in the world is the duck. “Well, I think I have a girl for you,” she says, and takes the duck in payment.

    Well but who might’ve imagined the vigor of this boy! He and the girl go at it for hours, and when he’s done the greatly-pleased prostitute is so impressed she begs him to do her again. “I’ll arrange to get your payment back if you do,” she pleads. And who is the farmer’s son to refuse?

    Now satisfied with himself, the farmer’s son heads home, duck in hand. On the way, however, a coach speeds by recklessly, knocking the bird out of his hand and crushing it under its wheels. The driver stops and apologizes profusely for the accident. “I’m in a hurry, son, but please accept this fiver for your loss.” The young man thanks the driver and heads home.

    The old farmer finds his son arrived with a great big smile on his face but no bird. “So how did you do, boy?” he asked.

    “Great!” the son answered. “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and five bucks for a fucked-up duck!”

  175. What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

    A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

  176. What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs at your front door?

    Matt.

    What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

    Art.

    What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

    Bob.

    What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool that’s way too hot?

    Stew.

  177. How can you tell when you’ve had a great blowjob?

    When you have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

  178. Ever try a rodeo fuck?

    That’s when you mount your wife from behind, lean over and whisper in her ear, “This is the way your sister likes it.” and then you have to stay on for 8 seconds.

  179. knock knock
    who’s there
    e-mop
    e-mop who?
    (eat my poo)

    variations
    i-wop
    gimmeep

  180. erm…
    what do you call a kid with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

    Russell.


    Okay. Pirate Jokes!

    What was the pirate for halloween?
    a M-arrrr-tian

    What’s a pirate’s favorite state?
    Arrrr-kansas

    ..favorite sea creature?
    Sh-arrr-k
    …land animal?
    Arrrr-dvark
    …recreational space?
    the P-arrr-k
    …recreational activity?
    P-arrrr-ty!
    …cheese?
    Chedd-arrrr!
    or
    Motz-arrr-ella!
    …designer?
    Arrr-mani.
    …appendage?
    Arrrr-m
    …Organ?
    H-arrr-t
    …post-retirement employment?
    F-arrr-ming.
    …Game?
    P-arrr-chessi
    …type of governance?
    Mon-arrr-chy.

    Okay. Fine. I’ll stop… great game to play when you’re bored mindless at work though.

  181. An old man shuffles into the produce department of the supermarket, looks around for a while looking confused, then goes over to the produce clerk and asks: “Where are the bananas?”

    “I’m terribly sorry,” says the clerk, “but our delivery didn’t come in today, and we’re completely out of common things like potatoes, tomatoes, and bananas.”

    “Oh, I see,” says the old man, and he wanders off.

    Several minutes later, the old man comes back up to the clerk, and asks “Excuse me son, where are the bananas?”

    “I already told you. No delivery. No bananas. Want potatoes & tomatoes, you’re also out of luck. Sorry.”

    “Oh. Okay.”

    The old man goes off, and returns after several minutes.

    “Excuse me, I’m not finding the bananas.”

    “Look,” says the produce clerk angrily. “What do you get when you take the ‘tom’ out of tomatoes?”

    “Um… ‘atoes’?”

    “Right. What do you get when you take the ‘pot’ out of potatoes?”

    “‘atoes!'”

    “Excactly. Now what do you get when you take the ‘fuck’ out of bananas?”

    “There is no ‘fuck’ in bananas.”

    “THAT’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

    – – –

    Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana.

  182. How many Americans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?

    Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

  183. Is it really true that the guy in the pile of leaves is named Russell?

  184. Q. What

  185. Micky Mouse divorse joke!

    U all got it wrong it’s:

    Judge: Why do you want to divorse Minnie, is it because she’s ugly?
    Micky Mouse (in high pitched voice): No, it’s cause she fucking Goofy.

  186. What do you call 2 Irish gay men?
    Gearld Firtzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald!
    (I’m Irish so I can make Irish jokes! :p)

    Guy is driving through Baghdad and stops at a traffic light. Some one knocks on his widows and says:

    We have a collection for President Bush who was kidnapped and the kidnappers want 10 Million dollars or they will burn him to death.

    Guy in Car: Oh, how much are people giving.

    About 2 or 3 gallons of gas (petrol).


    How many born again Christians does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
    One, but a hundred to share the expierence.


    What did the hurricane say top the coconut tree?
    Watch your nuts this is no ordinary blowjob!


    What’s green and eats nuts?
    VD!


    I’ll think of more later. :)

    The Bush joke I read on the blog of some 12 year old Iraqi girl.

  187. Q: What is E.T. short for?

    A: Coz he’s got little legs

  188. The all-time best pun!

    There once were two skunks; one named ‘In” and one named ‘Out.” When Out was in, In was out, and when Out was out, In was in. One day, Out was in and In was out, and Mother skunk said ‘Out, I want you to go out and bring In in.” Out quickly went outside and almost immediately returned with In. Mother skunk was AMAZED and gasped “How did you DO that so quickly.”

    “Easy,” said Out. “In stinked.”

    *collective groan!*

  189. What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarhea.

    One shucks between fits…

    ……………………………………

    Towards the end of January of 2001, an old man slowly shuffles up to one of the marines guarding the White House.

    He says to the marine, “I would like to speak with President Clinton, please.”

    The marine politely responds, “I’m sorry sir, but President Clinton no longer resides here because he is no longer president.”

    “Thank you,” says the old man, as he shuffles off.

    The next day, and the next and the next the old man returns and asks the marine the same question, with the same results.

    Finally, on the fifth day, the marine becomes frustrated.

    “Sir,” he says, “I have already informed you four times that President Clinton isn’t the president any more and that he doesn’t live here any more either. Why do you keep asking me this?”

    The old man responds, “Oh, I know that the answer won’t change, but I just love hearing it.”

  190. two apples are baking in an oven.
    one apple looks over at the other and says, “MAN, it is hot in here!”
    the other apple says, “holy shit, a talking apple!”

  191. Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, “Let’s get shit-faced.”

  192. Q. – What’s the hardest part about eating vegetables?

    A. – Getting them back in the wheelchair.

    ————–

    A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he
    gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3
    doors. The devil says, “It’s your lucky day. I’m
    gonna give you a chance to get out of here. You
    have to complete 3 tasks.

    “Behind this first door is a 5 gallon jug of Jack
    Daniel’s. You have to drain it in one drink.

    “Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
    with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.

    “Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When
    you’ve completely satisfied her, you can leave”

    The guy figures it’s worth a shot, so he goes in
    the first door and manages to drink the whole jug
    of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it,
    and the most horrible commotion can be heard from
    inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally
    comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he
    is sliced and scratched head to toe.

    Finally he manages to say, “Ok, where’s that girl
    with the sore tooth…?”

  193. How many indie rock snobs does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Pffft. I have that joke on *vinyl*.

  194. so a horse walks into a bar, and says “wah wah im so sad”.

    get it? because he has a long face?

  195. “That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon

  196. Television evangelist Pat Robertson has admitted to CNN that President Bush claimed to him that there would be no casualties during the US invasion of Iraq. Robertson said Bush dismissed his warnings that the US would suffer heavy casualties in Iraq. Robertson said Bush told him before the invasion “we’re not going to have any casualties.” Robertson’s comments come as the U.S. death toll in Iraq has topped 1,100. Robertson, who backs Bush’s re-election said, “I met with him down in Nashville before the Gulf war started. And he was the most self-assured man I ever met in my life… He was just sitting there, like, I’m on top of the world, and I warned him about this war. I had deep misgivings about this war, deep misgivings. And I was trying to say, ‘Mr. President, you better prepare the American people for casualties.” Robertson said Bush responded “Oh, no, we’re not going to have any casualties.”

    Robertson then said ” ‘Well,’ I said, ‘it’s the way it’s going to be. . . . The Lord told me it was going to be, A, a disaster and, B, messy.’ ”

  197. A dirty joke that isn’t:

    Q: What’s got two legs and bleeds?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    A: Half a dog.

    And a longish one:

    One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
    Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large and unattractive woman lying on a cloud. She spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
    He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
    Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!”
    Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. “Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily whispered.
    Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8″ hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”
    The biker answers, “I’m Cess.”

  198. Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?

    . . .

  199. How do you make a cat say “wooh”?
    Pour a gallon of gasoline over it and light it.

    How do you make a dog say “meow”?
    Put it in a freezer for two days, and then start sawing with a circular saw..

    (The jokes are funny, don’t know about my translations)

  200. A duck walks into a bar, and asks for a ham sandwich and a beer.

    This happens every lunchtime for several days in a row, and eventually the bartender strikes up a conversation and asks if he works nearby.

    The duck replies that he works on a nearby building site, but the pay isn’t that good.

    A few days later, the circus comes to town. When the ringmaster comes into the pub to hand out fliers, the barman tells him about the talking duck. The ringmaster suggests that the duck applies for a job at the circus, stating that they have very good rates of pay.

    When the duck comes in next time, they barman tells him about the job at the circus and how they will pay him more than the building site.

    The duck thinks for a minute, looks a little puzzled and says “Yeah, but what the fuck to the circus need a plasterer for?!”.

  201. a buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, make me one with everything.

  202. this message was brought to you by rolling rock,
    the official beer of easter.

  203. Q: What is the difference between between a neo-conservative and a catfish?

    A: One is a slimy bottomfeeder with no backbone, and the other is just a dumb fish.

  204. two pedophiles are on the beach and one turns to the other and says,
    can you move over you’re in my sun.

  205. Bill Clinton gets on an elevator with one of his Secret Service guys. Clinton is carrying a little puppy and says to the Secret Service agent,

    “What do you think of this puppy? I got him for Hillary.”

    Secret Service guy says, “Good trade, sir.”

  206. A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pygmy
    standing beside a very large dead beast…

    Amazed, he asked, “Did you kill that?”

    The pygmy answered, “Yes.”

    The hunter then asked, “How could a little bloke like you kill a huge
    beast like that?”

    Said the pygmy, “I killed it with my club.”

    The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”

    The pygmy replied, “There’s about 60 of us.”

  207. horse walks into bar
    bartender: why long face?
    horse: cause they keep telling this stupid joke over & over……..

  208. My dog has no nose.
    How does it smell?
    Terrible!

  209. never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.

  210. Skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

  211. (a warning

  212. another one…

    two guys walk into a bar… you’d think the second guy would have walked round it.

  213. last ones (maybe)… and apologies for the unsavoury nature of the majority of my jokes…

    Q. what’s the best thing about fucking twenty-five year olds?
    A. there’s twenty of ‘em

    (these three in a series)
    Q. what does a little boy smell like?
    A. (holds up finger to smell)

    Q. what does a little girl smell like?
    A. (breaths for people to sniff)

    Q. what’s the best thing about a little girl?
    A. you can turn her around and pretent she’s a little boy.

    (and this is the last one i swear)

    There’s a girl standing on top of a cliff weeping hysterically. A passer-by comes up to her to ask what’s wrong. The girl, between sobs, manages to tell him that she has just watched a car with her parents in go over the cliff, obviousley killing them both. The man pats her on the shoulder consolingly and then begins to undo his belt. Alarmed the girl asks “what are you doing?” the man replies “it’s just not your day is it?”

  214. Q: What do you call a lesbian with one leg shorter then the other.
    A: Gaylene

    Q: Whats black and bubbles?
    A: A baby in an oven

  215. what d’you do when you see a spaceman?

    park in it dude!

  216. -A bit racy-

    Q: What do you do if Micheal Jackon is drowning
    A: Throw hima a buoy

    Q: When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson’s place?
    A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

    Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
    A: Get out of my sun!!

    Q: What did Micheal Jackson ask Woody Allen
    A: Got 2 Fives for a 10?

    Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
    A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

    Q: What is odd about Micheal Jackson dangling a baby over a balcony?
    A: He normally tosses them off

    Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch this
    afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom…and Class 4C in his bedroom

    He told you he was “Off the Wall”, that he was a “Thriller”, that he was “Bad” and that he was “Dangerous”. Next album will be called “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  217. What do Walmart and Michael Jackson have in common?
    Boy’s underwear: Half Off!

  218. Here goes:

    A bartender is tending his bar when the doors open, and a huge, 8 foot high grizzly bear walks in. The bear makes his way over to the bar.

    The barkeep asks, with a quaking voice, “what’ll you have?”

    The bear glares at the bartender and says, “I’ll have a gin….

    … and tonic.”

    The bartender picks up a glass, and starts mixing the drink.

    After a moment he looks up at the bear. “Listen”, he says, “I gotta ask you – why the big pause?”

  219. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

    Because they are ugly and they stink.

  220. How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One.

  221. This is one I heard from someone I was waiting on when I worked in retail many years ago:

    A man is talking to his friend and is telling him about a night out he and his wife had a short while ago…

    “We went to this wonderful restaurant last week. Hmmm, what was the name of it? What is that flower, it’s red, has thorns?”

    “A rose?” his friend replies.

    “That’s it! Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?”

  222. What has four legs and one arm?
    A Rottweiler in a playground.

    What’s red and covered in crumbs?
    A girl scout on the highway.

    Why do babies have soft spots on their heads?
    So you can pick them up five at a time.

    What’s white and bounces in a crib?
    A pedophile’s ass.

  223. How do you know when a woman’s had an orgasm?
    Who cares?

    (I’m sorry honey, it’s only a joke. I love you!)

  224. Q: Why can’t Smokey The Bear’s wife have children?

    A: Every time she gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

  225. Q: How many feminists does it take tio screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Thats not funny.

  226. necrophelia – it’s dead good!

    nymphomania, once you start…

    sarcasm – now [i]that’s[/i] a clever form of communication!

    (and the best one)
    nostalgia, it ain’t what it used to be!

  227. A guy is walking along the beach an sees a girl with no legs n no arms crying, the guy walks up 2 her and asks wats wrong n she says im 25 have no arms n no legs n ive never been kissed, so the guy gives her a kiss and continues 2 walk on and the woman starts 2 cry again. so the guy walks over 2 her again n says wots wrong now n the woman says im 25 have no arms n no legs n ive neva been screwed
    so the guy picks her up, throws her into the ocean n says well baby ur screwed now!

  228. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
    Put sheet music in front of him.

    What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
    Drool.

  229. So the Pope goes to America and he’s in New York and has to go upstate
    somewhere so they set him up with this big long limo and as soon as they get
    outside the city he asks the chauffeur to pull over and says he wants to
    drive.
    So the chauffeur is a little taken aback but, well, it’s the Pope so he slides
    over and the Pope gets in the driver’s seat. Well, the Pope likes to drive and
    he likes to drive fast so he’s tooling along at around 90 mph when he hears a
    siren. So the cop catches up with him and motions him over to the side of the road.
    The Pope rolls down his window and says, “Yes, officer?”
    Well, it’s Officer Murphy and he nearly drops his teeth when he sees who’s inside.
    “Excuse me, Your Reverence, just a moment,” he says.

    So he goes back to his patrol car and gets on the phone to the chief.
    “You aren’t going to believe who I just pulled over,” he says.

    “Who?” says the chief. “Is it the mayor again?”

    “No,” says Murphy, “bigger than the mayor.”

    “What, is it the governor?” says the chief.

    “No,” Murphy says, “much bigger than the governor.”

    “Much bigger than the governor?” says the chief.

    “Who is it? Sinatra?”

    “No, bigger than Sinatra,” says Murphy.

    “Who can be bigger than Sinatra?” says the chief.

    “I don’t know,” says Murphy, “but he’s got the Pope for a chauffeur.”

  230. On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was
    a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would
    ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the
    balcony and jump off.

    Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat
    the whole process.

    This one guy watched this happen a number of times until
    curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to
    the man and asked, “Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping
    off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you’re back
    again. How do you do it?”

    “Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that
    when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently.
    It’s lots of fun. You should try it.”

    The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought
    to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks
    a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,
    jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.

    The bartender looks over at the first guy and says,
    “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”

  231. Q: What’s the difference between a good magician and a blonde chorus line?

    A: One has an array of cunning stunts.

    Q: How does a crazy guy get through the forest?

    A: He takes the psychopath.

  232. A father and son are sitting on their porch in rural Oklahoma. The son has just returned from his honeymoon.
    Father: “how was the honeymoon, son?”
    Son: “it was awful, daddy. I need a divorce.”
    Father: “Why?”
    Son: “She told me she was a virgin!”
    Father: “What’s wrong with that?”
    Son: “if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours.”

  233. Two lions are walking down Oxford Street (replace with your own busy city street).
    One turns to the other and says: “Quiet. Isn’t it.”

  234. I usually follow up the Interrupting cow thing with these two.

    Person 1: Knock knock

    Person 2: Who’s there?

    Person 1: Exploding cow.

    Person 2: Explodi-

    Person 1: BANG!
    ______________________
    Person 1: Knock Knock.

    Person 2: Who’s there?

    Person 1: Confused cow.

    Person 2: Confused co-

    Person 1: Quack! Quack quack quack! QUACK!!!

  235. The two greatest jokes ever:

    Q: What’s brown and green, and if it falls on you out of a tree will kill you?
    A: A pool table.
    ____________________________________________
    Go up to someone and say, “Ask me if I’m a truck.”.
    When they ask, simply say, “Yes.”.
    Immediately say to them, “Ask me if I’m a cake.”
    When they ask, as if offended say, “No, I’m a truck.”.

  236. Dads favorite joke…

    Woman walks into a ice cream shop, and asks for a cone of chocolate ice cream. The man politely tells her that they are out of chocolate.

    She proceeds to order a cone with one scoop of vanilla and one of chocolate. The man politely tells her that they are out of chocolate again.

    She then orders a cup with one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate.

    The man replies “Spell the straw in strawberry”
    “S-T-R-A-W”
    The man asks “Spell the van in vanilla”
    “V-A-N”
    The man says “Spell the fuck in chocolate”
    The woman saya “There is no fuck in chocolate”

    To which the man says “Thats what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

  237. okay i didnt read enough to see mine was already in there so heres another.

    Q: Who hangs out with musicians?

    A: Drummers.

  238. Q: What does a polite German say after you polish his ass?
    A: Donkey shine!

  239. Wow, such bad ones. Here’s a couple:

    How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    2, but the trick is to get them in there first!

    What is a pirate’s favorite restaraunt?
    Arrr-by’s

    What’s black and white and red all over?
    nun in a blender

    and my new favorite:
    What do Cardinals fans and gay men have in common?
    They both like Pujols!

  240. A cowboy walks into a wild west saloon, sits down at the bar and asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him his whiskey and says, “You hear about the Brown Paper Cowboy? Hung him they did.” The cowboy at the bar looks up and says “Why do they call him the Brown Paper Cowboy?” The bartender explains, “They call him the Brown Paper Cowboy because all of his clothes are made of brown paper – his hat, his shirt, pants – even his chaps are made of brown paper.” The cowboy nods in recognition and asks, “So why’d they hang him?” The bartender replies, “Rustlin’.”

  241. Two guys are walking their dogs, a german shepherd and a chihuahua, and they pass a bar. The guy with the german shepherd puts on sunglasses and walks right in.

    Bartender says, “No dogs in here buddy”. Guy says “but it’s a seeing eye dog”. The bartender apologizes and gives him a free beer.

    The second guy puts on his sunglasses and tries the same trick. Bartender says “yeah right, that’s a chihuahua, not a seeing eye dog” Guy says, “what, they gave me a chihuahua?”

  242. Love the pirate jokes.

    This one’s cracked me up for years:

    One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with ‘A’.

    Little Dirty Johnny was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn’t want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things. And she guessed he would say something like, “asshole”

    She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said “Apple”.

    “Very good, Betty! Next is the letter ‘B’ .” Again, Little Dirty Johnny was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.

    “Butterfly.”

    “Excellent, Andy! How about ‘C’ .” Little Dirty Johnny was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Johnny would say.

    “Caterpillar.”

    “Great job, Billy!”

    She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Johnny. When she got to ‘R’, Johnny was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn’t think of anything too bad that started with ‘R’ so she said, “OK Johnny, give me a word that starts with ‘R’ .”

    Johnny stood up straight, smiled and “Rats”

    “That’s very good Johnny, now who can tell me…”

    “Rats”, Johnny continued holding his hands apart, “Big fucking rats, with dicks this long.”

  243. Q: Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

    A: They’re making headlines!

  244. Q: What’s black and white and red and silver and can’t go through doorways?

    A: A nun with a javelin through her head.

  245. A couple having trouble conceiving a baby goes to a fertility clinic. At the end of the examination the doctor hands the husband a little plastic bottle and tells him to take it home and come back with a sperm sample.

    The next day, the husband walks in and hands the doctor the bottle. The doctor looks at it and says, ‘There is nothing in it, where’s the sample?’.

    The husband says, ‘Doc, its like this….I tried with my right hand…I tried with my left hand…my wife tried with her right hand….she tried with her left hand….she tried with her teeth in….she tried with her teeth out…she even tried rubber gloves….but we couldn’t get the lid off that little bottle!’

  246. Just to add another “musician” joke to the list.

    Q: What’s the difference between a dead, squished snake in the middle of the road and a trombonist?

    A: The dead, squished snake *MIGHT* have been on its way to a paying gig.

  247. another one, no better than my earlier effort:

    I hope that I die peacefully, in my sleep, like my granddad.

    Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

  248. Q: What’s black and white and red all over and can’t turn around in a hallway?

    A: A nun with a spear thru her!

  249. A women goes to her doctor, says: “Doctor, I think my husband is hobosexual.”

    The confused doctor asks, “Do you mean he’s gay?”

    The woman replies, “no, he’s a fucking bum!”

  250. Little Red riding Hood is walking through the forest on the way to see her grandmother.
    She sees the wolf crouching down beside the track.

    “What big eyes you have!” she says.

    “Get lost; I’m having a crap” the wolf replied.

  251. What is the difference between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?

    Nothing, You don’t f__k with either one of them!

    This is my favorite from a long time ago. What’s a dick?

  252. Q. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
    A. Nacho cheese!

  253. Seems Dubya’s “mysterious bulge” has been explained and it turns out it was just a simple mistake. Carl told him to use a little padding to “impress the women voters” but forgot to tell him where to put it.

  254. A tourist is walking through Williamsburg (a historic village in Virginia) picking up everything in his path and looking at it. The staff ask him several times not to pick up things, but he continues.

    The forge is the next shop in his path and the blacksmith figures he can teach this guy a lesson and readies a horseshoe that he has been making. So sure enough, the guy comes over to his shop and starts picking up stuff. The blacksmith sets the now very hot horseshoe in his path, and waits.

    The tourist picks up the horseshoe and quickly puts it back down.

    The blacksmith smirks, “Too hot?”

    “Nope,” the tourist replies, “it just doesn’t take long to look at a horseshoe.”

    ****

    Mom: David? Did you take a bath

    David: Why, is there one missing?

    ****

    What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?

    Little kids won’t eat broccoli

    ****

    What do you call 10,000 drowned lawyers?

    A good start.

    ****

    Why are surfboarding lawyers never bothered by sharks?

    Professional courtesy

    ****

    What do you say to the guy who throws an accordian into a dumpster?

    Perfect pitch

  255. Two ducks are running along on the sidewalk, one of them sees a low-hanging tree branch up ahead and yells, “PEOPLE!”

    [what would people yell?]

  256. The other night I ate at a German/Chinese restaurant.

    An hour later I was hungry…for POWER!

  257. Q: what’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

    A: You can only unload one of the trucks with a pitchfork

  258. Confucius say: Man who walks through airport security sideways is going to Bangkok.

  259. How do you piss off some feminists??

    Go into NOW headquarters and yell, “WHICH ONE OF YOU CUTE LITTLE CUPCAKES WANTS TO COME HOME, COOK ME DINNER AND GIVE ME A BLOWJOB?!”

  260. First the dodo died, Then Di and Dodi died. Dido must be cra**ing herself.

  261. Always loved this one……

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was yet another and stayed put. Unfortunately for him, this wasn’t a false alarm and he soiled his bed linens terribly. He was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell was that all about?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”

  262. A chunk of concrete walks into a bar and orders a pint from the barman. Suddenly, a strip of tarmac walks into the bar and the concrete quickly leaps behind the bar to hide. The barman asks “What’s up with you mate? You’re twice the size of him.” The concrete looks up and says “Yeah, but you don’t know him like I do…he’s a cyclepath!”

    Boom and indeed boom.

  263. A chunk of concrete walks into a bar and orders a pint from the barman. Suddenly, a strip of tarmac walks into the bar and the concrete quickly leaps behind the bar to hide. The barman asks “What’s up with you mate? You’re twice the size of him.” The concrete looks up and says “Yeah, but you don’t know him like I do…he’s a cyclepath!”

    Boom and indeed boom.

  264. Best. Thread. EVER. (And I can’t believe someone else knows the “Got any grapes?” one.)

    Q: What’s green, has wheels, and grows around the house?

    A: Grass.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    (I lied about the wheels.)