Jokes

I can go months without hearing a good joke, but yesterday, while trawling the Internets, I came across three that made me chuckle and/or openly weep.

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Juan.

* * * * *

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”

* * * * *

Q: What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

Note: Hundreds of more jokes in the comments.

264 thoughts on “Jokes

  1. What is the difference between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?

    Nothing, You don’t f__k with either one of them!

    This is my favorite from a long time ago. What’s a dick?

  2. Seems Dubya’s “mysterious bulge” has been explained and it turns out it was just a simple mistake. Carl told him to use a little padding to “impress the women voters” but forgot to tell him where to put it.

  3. A tourist is walking through Williamsburg (a historic village in Virginia) picking up everything in his path and looking at it. The staff ask him several times not to pick up things, but he continues.

    The forge is the next shop in his path and the blacksmith figures he can teach this guy a lesson and readies a horseshoe that he has been making. So sure enough, the guy comes over to his shop and starts picking up stuff. The blacksmith sets the now very hot horseshoe in his path, and waits.

    The tourist picks up the horseshoe and quickly puts it back down.

    The blacksmith smirks, “Too hot?”

    “Nope,” the tourist replies, “it just doesn’t take long to look at a horseshoe.”

    ****

    Mom: David? Did you take a bath

    David: Why, is there one missing?

    ****

    What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?

    Little kids won’t eat broccoli

    ****

    What do you call 10,000 drowned lawyers?

    A good start.

    ****

    Why are surfboarding lawyers never bothered by sharks?

    Professional courtesy

    ****

    What do you say to the guy who throws an accordian into a dumpster?

    Perfect pitch

  4. Two ducks are running along on the sidewalk, one of them sees a low-hanging tree branch up ahead and yells, “PEOPLE!”

    [what would people yell?]

  5. Q: what’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

    A: You can only unload one of the trucks with a pitchfork

  6. How do you piss off some feminists??

    Go into NOW headquarters and yell, “WHICH ONE OF YOU CUTE LITTLE CUPCAKES WANTS TO COME HOME, COOK ME DINNER AND GIVE ME A BLOWJOB?!”

  7. Always loved this one……

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was yet another and stayed put. Unfortunately for him, this wasn’t a false alarm and he soiled his bed linens terribly. He was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell was that all about?”

    Still staring down, the drunk replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”

  8. A chunk of concrete walks into a bar and orders a pint from the barman. Suddenly, a strip of tarmac walks into the bar and the concrete quickly leaps behind the bar to hide. The barman asks “What’s up with you mate? You’re twice the size of him.” The concrete looks up and says “Yeah, but you don’t know him like I do…he’s a cyclepath!”

    Boom and indeed boom.

  9. A chunk of concrete walks into a bar and orders a pint from the barman. Suddenly, a strip of tarmac walks into the bar and the concrete quickly leaps behind the bar to hide. The barman asks “What’s up with you mate? You’re twice the size of him.” The concrete looks up and says “Yeah, but you don’t know him like I do…he’s a cyclepath!”

    Boom and indeed boom.

  10. Best. Thread. EVER. (And I can’t believe someone else knows the “Got any grapes?” one.)

    Q: What’s green, has wheels, and grows around the house?

    A: Grass.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    (I lied about the wheels.)

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