Clothes Make The Man

The Queen and I are a cheap couple of bastards, so we’ll dress The Squirrelly in pretty much anything that’s free. Hand-me-downs. Paper bags with holes cut in them. We’ll be set for life when we figure out how to knit sweaters from the hair our cat Edgar sheds. “Sweadgars,” we’ll call them.

We’re so indiscriminant that some of those aforementioned hand-me-downs were originally intended for — brace yourself — girls. That’s right: I have clad my infant son in pink. There may have even been some frills involved at some point, I couldn’t swear otherwise.

A few months ago my buddy M. was visiting from the East Coast, and he was so disgusted with The Squirrelly’s wardrobe that he immediately swung-or-possibly-“swang” into action. He went online, found a store that sold camouflage jumpers for babies, and had one sent to us posthaste. Here it is in action:

We’ve also been mixing PowerLifter IronMax 4000 into The Squirrelly’s formula to counteract the feminizing effects of the unicorn onsies.

Well, now that I’ve opened a can of worms by taking the cork out of the “baby pictures” bottle, I may as well go whole hog and mix my metaphors. To wit:

Erasure live in concert, Dublin 1988


Sneers and Ears

26 thoughts on “Clothes Make The Man

  1. Where did you get that jacket you’re wearing? Because it looks exactly like my boyfriend’s jacket, which he got as a hand-me-down 10 years ago from a friend. (Another cheap bastard)

  2. Too bad it wasn’t “Tears for Fears” live in concert and then you could have “Sneers and Ears” as the Yeti/Squirrely version. He is SO cute in that bathtub picture. And yes, he has both your sneer and your ears. He just looks like you from his forehead to his upper lip.

    We don’t buy much new for our baby and we dressed her in boys clothes ’cause it was the only warm thing at the time. I kept saying “baby in drag!” The great thing was that no one could get on our case about it because THEY couldn’t tell that he is a she or whatever. Come to think of it, neither can SHE.

    I am embarassed and yet oddly proud of the ‘bjorn-protector’ my husband rigged out of a plastic shopping bag the day we forgot to bring a diaper…(design self-explanatory)…So we literally dressed her in a plastic bag at one point.

    But I’ve been getting into pink lately I say with shame. So why not camo for your little bruiser?

  3. Wow! You could really hunt or go to war in that camouflage outfit. Except for your blue eyes you disappear into the background. And we all know how much babies need to disguise themselves as they sneak up on their prey. Kill baby, kill! (Or: At least hide from the prowling dingos)

    What will you do when the leaves are gone? Is it like a chameleon? Will it change to green come spring?

  4. Is that blue ball you’re sitting on the one that exploded on you a while back, causing The Queen to accuse you of dropping the baby? Living dangerously now aren’t you.

  5. I’m amazed by just HOW MUCH he looks like you in that last picture, he’s even doing the same expression as you!

  6. I wish I could get away with calling my wife a bastard on the interweb. (Not that she is. What I meant was – oh, forget it.)

  7. A small assault rifle would complement the camouflage gear and demonstrate a healthy support for the Iraq operation. Blanks are best with under fives.

  8. Oh, dude, dude, dude. Those little blue baby bath seats (I bet yours was a hand-me-down, you cheap b.) were recalled about four years ago: Big babies are able to pull the suction cups off the bottom of the tub and topple over, and then the little seat thing neatly holds them under water. Not that the average baby needs much holding.

    Of course you would never, ever leave your baby unattended in the bath for even one second, so I’m sure there’s no real danger involved.

  9. They upgraded the suction cups on the chairs in the newer models though… I just put my tot in it and stick him to the ceiling while I vacuum. I figure it keeps him out of harms way. Plus, they have to learn how to use suction cups sometime. how else are they going to learn to scale a building, cut through a window with a laser and steal the jewels?

  10. woah, that 1st pic loks like you’re throwing a baby head into a pile of leaves. that’s hardcore, man.

  11. You should train your son to be a sniper. that would be totaly bad ass! And with the camo jumper, he’s got ahead start on stealth training.

  12. Dear Matthew and the Queen, you have the cutest baby in the whole world. I am not kidding.

    If my ovaries didn’t do flip-flops every time I look at that pic of the Squirrely in the tub, I would swear off having children in despair of ever having a child half as cute.

  13. “Why bother? Sticking to a garish and error-ridden template that only displays properly in Lynx 1.12, and reusing the same jokes post after post (“My baby poops LOL!”) has served me pretty well for three years, now.”

    Hush now and speak no more evil of the Yeti which I love so well.

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