You Got To Cool It Down

The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

  1. “Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon.
  2. “Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven’t done this in, like, fifteen years.
  3. “I can’t stop touching you. Stupid OCD.”
  4. “Want to join me in the shower? Grouting’s more fun with two!
  5. “I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian — thank god.
  6. “I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that’s the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He’d take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn’t hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn’t — holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That’s gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?
  7. “Do you feel this, too?” (“This” being an incredible emotional euphoria — but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is “no.”)
  8. “Hungry? Stay right here. I’ll go make you a burrito.” (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)
  9. Her name — her full name — followed by a “Wow”? Followed by “Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?”
  10. “I’ll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith.
  11. “I’ll cancel my plans if you’ll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club.
  12. “No one’s ever done that before and lived.”
  13. “Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera.
  14. “I love your [fill in body part here].” No, not the bile duct, you idiot — an external body part.
  15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don’t make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.
  16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: “Suckers.” While looking at the people currently in bed with her: “lucky bastards.”
  17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: “What do you see? I see Gene Hackman.
  18. I’ll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?
  19. “Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping.
  20. “Let’s play hooky today. You won’t get in trouble — I am your principal, after all”
  21. Any use of the word “hot.” Especially: “You’re so hot” or “Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven’t felt so hot.”
  22. “Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate — whatever.
  23. Words that end in “uck.” Yes, even “duck,” when appropriate. Or “Schmuck.”
  24. “There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I’m obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes.
  25. “I’m ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess.
  26. “Damn, I’ve missed you. Hang on while I reload.
  27. “How about a massage? Let’s start with my feet.”
  28. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.
  29. “Don’t ever leave me the check.”
  30. “You sleep; I’ll go check on the baby.” A moment later: “Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!”

Kevin Guilfoile At The Elliot Bay Bookstore

Sorry to make my entire readership juggle their schedules, and hope those of you outside the greater Seattle areas will be able to change the dates on your plane tickets and hotel reservations without too much difficulty. But I screwed up the date of my reading with the estimable Kevin Guilfoile. Let’s try this again.

Wednesday (Tomorrow! Not Thursday! Tomorrow!), 7:30 at the Elliot Bay Bookstore, I will be the opening act for Kevin Guilfoile. Kevin will be reading from his new book Cast of Shadows, a deadly-serious and critically acclaimed crime novel that examines the ethical and philosophical quandaries that lie at the intersection of cutting-edge technology and the human heart’s dark desire for vengeance. I, meanwhile, will be telling a story that involves the word “boner.” Please join us.

Monday Morning Odds & Ends

Why no entry for Friday? Well, I wrote a nice, long post, but then The Morning News swooped in and nicked it. So it will be appearing over there sometime this week.

Speaking of The Morning News, I’ll be working on a sequel to my “Tricks of the Trade” article and the TotT book proposal this next week, so if you have any submissions, now’s the time to get them to me. For examples of good tricks, see the original essay at The Morning News.

Moved the announcement of my reading with Kevin Guilfoile up a post because I am dumb and got the date wrong …

Also! It appears that, for the second time after having been nominated for a Bloggie in the “Most Humorous Website” category, defective yeti again wound up as a bridesmaid and not a bride. Obviously I am crushed, but I shall keep my chin up. My motto, after all, is: There are no “losers,” only “winners” that consistently fail.

And furthermore! I am currently involved in a grudge match with Mark Bottrell and he threated to unlink my blog from his blog and I was unable to retaliate because I have not linked to his blog from my blog so I have added his blog Ufcker to my sidebar so I can unlink it if things get any worse between us.

Ah, The Ravages Of Time

Speaking of birthdays, today is mine. But I’ve been feeling old for a week.

Last Tuesday I travelled to the KUOW office to record my bit for The Works. The studio is located in the University District, and I have always enjoyed going up there because The Ave is invariably teeming with pretty college girls, always a delight to behold. Especially on a warm and sunny false Spring day.

Alas, something appears to have changed over the last year. Maybe it’s becoming a parent, or maybe it because most co-eds now fall outside the half-your-age-plus-seven formula for me. But for whatever reason, they all looked too young for me to appreciate. Kids, really.

They are still pretty, to be sure. But it’s similar to when I go to an art museum and look at the Van Goghs: I can recognize that I’m looking at a fine piece of work, but it doesn’t really do anything for me.

Stupid aging. I feel like a gourmand who has been striken with ageusia.


The Squirrelly just turned one (as I mentioned), so we had a birthday party for him last weekend. In anticipation, The Queen went to the store to buy decorations. I didn’t think we really needed them since only a few family members would be attending, but she somehow got it in her head that they were mandatory.

She returned with a bag full of construction paper, markers, glue sticks, glitter and the like. Apparently the only decorations the store sold featured proprietary characters — Thomas The Tank Engine, Spongebob Squarepants, etc. — and The Queen, determined not to give any money to The Man, resolved to make her own. This came as a surprise to me since my wife is probably the least crafty person I know, but she was adamant that there would be decorations and they would be handmade.

Of course the day of the party arrives and of course we’ve made pretty much no effort to clean our house or do anything else to prepare. So we spend all morning running around, throwing baby toys into the closet and scrubbing squash off the walls. Fifteen minutes before the scheduled start time The Queen suddenly realizes that she’s forgotten to decorate. At that same moment my cousin arrives a bit early, is handed a bag of art supplies, and told whip up something to make the place more festive.

She made this and stuck it on the wall moments before the rest of the family arrived. It was our only decoration.

Games: Cluzzle

One of the first games I reviewed on defective yeti was a party game called Barbarossa, a guessing and deduction game in which players first make tiny sculptures out of clay and then attempt to identify their opponent’s creations. It’s a fun game, and one that invariably generates a lot of laughter. But I’ve been playing it less and less over the years as a number of cracks in the game design have made themselves apparent. The largest flaw, in my mind, is that the game game requires 45 – 90 minutes to play, which is simply too long for what it is. The final third of the game often finds the players becoming increasingly uninterested, and you can usually sense the mood of the group slowing turning from “this is blast!” to “okay, this needs to end.” I’ve often wished that someone would come up with a set of rules that plugged some of Barbarossa’s design holes and allowed you to play it in half the time. So when Dominic Crapuchettes sent me an email saying he had done just that with is new game Cluzzle and offering to send me a copy of for review, I gladly accepted.

Cluzzle incorporates the good elements of Barbarossa, omits the bad, and streamlines everything in between. Each player starts the game with a small lump of colored clay and a card with nine subjects on it; a typical card might have “baseball bat,” “shoelaces,” “pineapple,” “Easter,” and five more random words or phrases. Before play starts, each person chooses one of the items on his card and sculpts a clue for the subject with his clay. The key word here is “clue.” Players need not create literal representation of their subject (and, in cases like “Easter,” couldn’t in any case), but may sculpt anything that they think will aid the other players in guessing their subject.

When everyone has completed their clues and they have been placed in the center of the table, the first of three rounds begins. Each round lasts two minutes (the game comes with a sand timer), and during it players may ask their opponent’s yes-or-no questions about their subjects. “Is it alive?” might be a typical question, or “is your subject two words?” The owner of a clue must answer truthfully and completely. There is no order during a Guessing Rounds: any player may jump in with a question as soon as the previous question has been answered. Also during a round, players will be jotting down their guesses as to the other player’s subjects on a pad of paper. When the sand-timer runs out no more questions may be asked or guesses made.

A round concludes with scoring. For each clue, all players read their guesses off their sheets, and the owner announces if anyone has guessed correctly. When a clue is identified, the correct guessers and the owner of the clue score points, and the clue is retired; if no one gets a clue it is carried on to the next round. After three rounds, the session ends; after three sessions the game is over.

The conceit at the heart of Cluzzle is lifted directly from Barbarossa: players gain the greatest rewards for making “Goldilocks clues,” those that are neither to easy nor too hard. The number of points a player gains when his clue is correctly guessed equals the round it was guessed in — one in the first round, two in the second, three in the third — but clues that remain unsolved at the end of the third round score nothing. This clever twist means that players need not worry if they are not good at sculpting, because creating instantly recognizable clues is not the goal. Instead, the game rewards creativity, both in the clue-smithing, and in question asking.

Overall, Cluzzle is both considerably less than and a vast improvement on Barbrossa. By stripping the system down to its core, players are able to focus on the fun rather than the rules — and essential feature of any party game. It does share one fault with its progenitor — that people can sometimes and unintentionally give ambiguous answers to question, throwing some players off track and irritating them when the solution is revealed — but played amongst friends, serious disagreements are unlikely to break out.

Some people have expressed misgivings about Cluzzle genesis, saying that it’s nothing more than a rip-off of Barbarossa. On the one hand I can understand their grievance, but it doesn’t appear that the much needed Barbarossa: Second Edition is on the horizon, so I can’t bring myself to begrudge Crapuchettes for undertaking the task, even if he is making a few bucks on the side. Besides, the reason game mechanics aren’t copyrightable is so that they can be freely reused, and designers have the liberty to take a older game and refine it into an better product. In my opinion, that’s exactly what Crapuchettes has done.

Thanks to the Rozmiarek Family Home Page for use of the photo.

The Works: Parenting Blogs

I’ll be on The Works this evening, talking about the rising prominence of parenting blogs. The show airs tonight 8:00 on 94.9, KUOW, or soon you will be able to listen to the audio online here.

Here are the people, sites, and articles we discuss:

And I’m sure dy readers will be happy to mention their favorite parenting blogs in the comments.

Indistinguishable From Magic

I bought one of those tiny USB flash drives to shuttle files between by laptop and desktop PCs. It’s incredibly handy, but have to make sure I don’t leave it laying around the house so The Squirrelly can’t get ahold of it.

I honestly never thought I’d see the day when a hard drive could constitute a choking hazard.