Switching to a new host; dy will be down for a bit this evening.

Update: Well that certainly didn’t work. Maybe I’ll try again on the weekend. On the up side, while my email address was pointing to The Void I saw a significant decrease in spam.

We’re having one of our rare bouts of sunny weather here in Seattle, and man am I exhausted. I must suffer from some kind of reverse photosynthesis. It’s, like, the more direct sunlight I receive, the less energy I have.

Maybe it’s an adaptation, having been raised in the perpetually overcast Pacific Northwest. Maybe our bodies are trained to think that there is only one explanation for a bright light in the heavens: God has come to take us home. So just lay down, lay down and sleep.

(See also: How To Watch The Phantom Menace, How To Watch Revenge of the Sith.)

The general consensus is that Attack of the Clones, while not great, is much better than The Phantom Menace, though I’ve heard a few people express the opposite opinion. I think it basically comes down to one question: what do you find more excruciatingly unwatchable, Jar-Jar’s slapstick or the Anakin / Amidala romance?

Me, I found the latter much more forgivable, thanks to something a reviewer once wrote about Titanic: while he conceded that the romantic dialogue in Titanic was atrocious, he pointed out that it was also a fairly accurate depiction of how young people in love actually talk, i.e., maudlin, dramatic, and as cliched as all get-out. I don’t think for a moment that Lucas wrote lines like “you are in my very soul, tormenting me” because he was trying to emulate what 16 year-olds say when they are trying to convey the sentiment “holy shit, being a virgin sucks!” but if you pretend like that was Lucas’ intent the film is much more bearable.

That said, skipping all the love scenes detracts not at all from the movie — we didn’t need to see the nitty-gritty of Han and Leia falling in love to know it was happening — so feel free to do so.

Here, then, is the cheat-sheet for fast-forwarding through Attack of the Clones. As with the previous guide, this is intended for folks who have already seen the film and are only interested in refreshing their memories about the plot in anticipation of Revenge of the Sith. Again, my goal was to get the film down to about 90 minutes and to axe anything that wasn’t integral to the story. I’ve also included tips on removing much of the love story, for those who can’t abide it.

Total time saved: 41:21

Analysis: I so loathed Phantom Menace that I swore I wouldn’t see Clones in the theater, but when my in-laws hornswoggled me into going I was surprised by how much I liked it. It’s mediocre to be sure, but mediocre is still one infinity better than Episode I (though I realize that “better than The Phantom Menace” is damning with the faintest of praise, like saying “more delicious than echinacea!”). Watching it again on DVD gave me a glimmer of hope that Revenge of the Sith may be as good as some are claiming.

Some have claimed that the Star Wars movies should be judged lightly because they are, after all, kids films. I agree, insofar as the original trilogy goes goes. But Episode I was about taxation, fercrissakes. And in Episode II you have a clone army fighting alongside the Jedi but was secretly commissioned by the Sith to make the Republic more powerful so that they can subvert it. That’s a little more involved than “The bad guys have a Death Star; the Death Star blows up planets; the good guys need to destroy the Death Star.” The problem isn’t that Lucas is making space operas for kids or that he’s making political thrillers for adults, but that he’s trying to make both at once, and that’s how you wind up with Jar-Jar fart jokes in one scene and lengthy discussions of the Republic Senate’s legislative procedures in the next.

But the big big problem with this whole trilogy is that I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of the protagonists. The Jedi — Obi Wan, Qui-Gon, Yoda — are too noble to be endearing; Anakin is a rageaholic jerk; Amidala isn’t even much of a character, just the obligatory catalyst for Anakin’s lovelorn dramatics. Furthermore, these first two movies aren’t even about these people — they are about Darth Sidious and his subtle machinations to seize power. This is in sharp contrast to episodes 4-6, which really were about the heroes: Luke, Han, Leia — even Chewbacca felt like your buddy by the end of it all. I wouldn’t want to go for beers and pinball with anyone in Phantom or Clones, except for Anakin’s mom who was kinda hot until the Tusken Raiders got to her.

Lastly, I’d just like to say that Ewan McGregor’s impersonation of Sir Alec Guinness is just shy of miraculous, and almost makes up for the fact that all the other acting sucks.

Plot Points For The People Too Smart To Rewatch This: Again, a complete summary of the film can be found at sf-worlds.com. But for those who just want the highlights:

• After several assassination attempts on Amidala’s life, Anakin is assigned to protect her. This is the first time they’ve been reunited in 10 years, and Anakin reveals that he’s been pining for her all the while. Though the Jedi Order forbids (? perhaps just “discourages”) attachments, the two fall in love and are secretly married.
• A separatist movement, headed up by former Jedi Count Dooku, has begun waging war against the Republic with an army of droids. Worried about being overrun, the Republic Senate grants Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers to use a clone army, which, curiously, has already been created, having been requested ten years prior by another Jedi.
• The Jedi Council’s mastery of the Force is fading, and they sense that the Dark Lord of the Sith is controlling much of the Republic’s Senate. The council is unable to divine the Dark Lord’s identity or goals, though, as the Dark Side clouds their vision.
• Anakin is chafing under the yoke of Jedi training, feeling like his exceptional abilities are being stifled. Though he often refers to Obi Wan as his “father,” he also seems extremely resentful of him. When Anakin discovers that a Tusken Raider tribe has killed his mother, he slaughters them all, every man, woman and child.

Random Revelation: Hmm, an angst-ridden young man learning to cope with his extraordinary powers and being tempted by the Dark Side? The novelization of this movie should be called Harry Potter And The Order of the Jedi.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D: “There’s sad news to report about The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D: Put on the cardboard glasses, and you can still see the movie.” — Make Clark, USA TODAY

High Tension: “An inept Gallic version of an American psycho-killer/stalker movie, the movie is a model of multinational incompetence.” — Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

The Perfect Man: “Crawls hand over bloody hand up the stony face of this plot, while we in the audience do not laugh because it is not nice to laugh at those less fortunate than ourselves, and the people in this movie are less fortunate than the people in just about any other movie I can think of, simply because they are in it. ” — Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

Ice Princess: “This movie wasn’t just made for 11-year-old girls; it seems to have been made by 11-year-old girls. ” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Bridge Of San-Luis Rey: “After watching this movie, I was moved only to find my own bridge to leap from.” — Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

Headline News!

Bush plays the Nazi card, June 28, 2004.

Senator Byrd Compares Republicans To Nazis, March 02, 2005

GOP Senator Compares Democrats To Nazis, May 19, 2005

Senator Durbin Likens American Servicemen To Nazis, June 15, 2005

Hey, you know what these teapot-contained tempests have in common? In none of them did the person who allegedly compared X to Nazis actually compare X to Nazis. But apparently “Nazi” has joined the rarified ranks of Words That Are So Bad That Just The Sound Of Them Is Offensive Regardless Of Context.

It’s convenient that you no longer have to go through the trouble of actually calling someone a Nazi anymore. All you have to do is say the word “Nazi” and then, sometime in the subsequent 24 hours, mention a person or group of people, and then OMG ARE YOU CALLING ME HITLER??!! Hooray for modern political discourse!

Joseph Biden, D-DE: Some Republicans on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee requested more American warships for the Persian Sea and Oman Sea, so I reminded them that those bodies of water are technically ‘gulfs’ and not ‘seas.’”

XXXXX DRUDGE REPORT FLASH XXXXX

SEN. BIDEN CALLS REPUBLICANS, SENATE FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE, AMERICANS “NAZIS”

“I heart terrorism,” we can only assume Biden then muttered under his breath.

BIDEN REFUSES TO APOLOGIZE THAT MEANS HE’S GUILTY P.S. DEAN FULL OF RAGE AND CRAZY DEVELOPING …

Or who knows? Maybe it’s one of those words that’s only offensive when outsiders say it, but okay when used amongst people of the same group. I can see John McCain strutting into a Republican fundraiser and being all, like, “yo, what up my nazis?”

I was thumbing through the yellow pages this morning and I saw an ad for “Universal Refrigeration.” Man, those guys must be awesome. Keeping the whole ball of wax at zero degrees kelvin can’t be easy.

It would be fun to get a space heater and turn it up to “high,” just to fuck with them.

This may be the last post ever on defective yeti, as I started this blog with one main objective and that objective has now been fulfilled.

Yes, O envious Internet: I met Mighty Girl.

Long-time readers know that I have based my entire on-line literary career on Margaret Mason’s model: Mighty Girl started a blog devoted to conversations overheard on public transportation, so I started a blog devoted to conversations overheard on public transportation; Mighty Girl became a contributing writer for The Morning News, so I became a contributing writer for The Morning News; Mighty Girl launched a profitable website called Mighty Goods and started writing for The New York Times, so I often daydream about launching a profitable website and writing for The New York Times while squandering my life away playing Kingdom of Loathing. Fortunately, I hold an edge on Mighty Girl in one key category: production of small people. So when Mr. and Mr. Girl rolled into town last Wednesday, they requested an audience with The Squirrelly. It took some wheedling, but eventually they said I could come along as well.

We agreed to meet for lunch. The Squirrelly, perhaps sensing the momentousness of the occasion, spent all morning preparing. First, he woke up an hour earlier than he usually does. I realize that the non-parents in the crowd don’t recognize this as Ominous Foreshadowing, but when you’re going to take a toddler out in public around his usual naptime, any change in regular sleep patterns is as foreboding as a shark filled with nitroglycerin. Worse, The Squirrelly has music class on Wednesday mornings, which is applesauce’s only serious rival for the title of “Best Thing In The Universe” in his opinion. During music class the two teachers play guitar and sing while the babies and their parents sit quietly and listen enraptured — all the babies, that is, except The Squirrelly, who spends the hour racing around the room like an balloon released before it’s tied closed.

So by our prearranged meeting time The Squirrelly was both sleepy and tired. He had, in fact, fallen asleep in his carseat moments before we arrived at the hotel. Unfortunately I had arranged to meet them inside the lobby, so I had no choice but to wake him up and carry him in. So Margaret and Bryan’s first look at my child was as he was curled up on my chest, blinking sleepily and completely docile. I should have been wearing a t-shirt reading “WARNING: TODDLERS ON SHOULDER ARE CRANKIER THAN THEY APPEAR.”

We headed down to The Bell Street Diner, got a table, and strapped The Squirrelly into a high chair. He immediately set about demonstrating the suitability of his nickname, squirming about with such velocity that I was afraid he might pull a Flash and vibrate himself into another dimension. In an attempt to calm him down, I pulled out his bowl of food and set in front of him. He immediately began grabbing handfuls of avocado and cramming it into his maw. Remembering that I was sitting across from a woman who writes columns on etiquette, I said, “uh, we read that it’s empowering to allow toddlers to feed themselves like that, using their hands,” i.e., his complete lack of decorum is the result of a deliberate philosophy, and not because he is being raised by a race of subterranean lizardmen who live in our crawlspace.

Fortunately, I had an unexpected ally in Bryan. “Wow, lookit him go!” he cried with genuine enthusiasm. “He’s just shovelling it on in there!”

I spent the rest of the meal dividing my attention between my guests and my son, the former of which was politely asking me questions about my life and family, the latter of which grabbed everything within reaching distance and dropped it on the floor like he had been deputized to enforce the law of gravity. As a result, I have pretty much no recollection of our conversation. I do remember, though, that at one point The Squirrelly got so fussy that Margaret scooped him up and carried him around the restaurant, pointing out things and speaking to him quietly. Act like a savage and you get cuddles from Mighty Girl: take note, people.

(If “Touched By An Angel” has a spin-off show called “Cuddled By A Mighty Girl” I would totally watch it.)

All-in-all a complete debacle, I’d say! So we tried again later that evening, this time removing The Squirrelly from the equation and replacing him with The Queen and copious amounts of alcohol. We met at Cyclops for cocktails, and then moved on to the Dahlia Lounge for after-cocktails cocktails and six dollar doughnuts.

And I’m happy to report that Mighty Girl is every bit as charming as you’d expect, one of those rare Internet personalities that turns out to be as engaging in real life as they are on their site. And whatta great guy, that Bryan. If airplanes ran on charisma these two could fly around the world.

Naturally I have no photographic evidence of any of this, because I am a very poor blogger. But it all happened, I swear.

P.S. Seattlites will be pleased to know that I did my level best to convince the duo to move to our fine city. I think we have a shot, too — so long as they never do the math and realize that Seattle will one day be home to a teenaged Squirrelly, roaming the streets.

P.P.S. Those six dollar doughnuts at the Dahlia Lounge were freakin’ awesome.

Gringos is a novel. It is by Charles Portis who lives in Arkansas, where he was born and educated. Thr book is about brightly painted walls and men in hats reading books. Just regular men wearing hats, not the 80′s pop group “Men In Hats.” If I had to describe Charles Portis I would agree with Ron Rosenbaum of Esquire who called him “perhaps the most original, indescribable sui generis talent overlooked by literary culture in America.” Though, to be honest, I have no idea what “sui generis” means …

Okay, okay. I didn’t finish Gringos like I said I would. but that’s okay, because you didn’t either. So everyone gets another week before the review — huzzah!

(See also: How To Watch Attack of the Clones, How To Watch Revenge of the Sith.)

No, I haven’t seen Revenge Of The Sith yet. Stop asking.

I had never intended to see it soon after it’s opening, although I have resigned myself to the inevitability of seeing it in the theater eventually. Actually, I was kind of excited about it for a little while, but my enthusiasm seems to have peaked about a week ago, and my interest in the film has been dwindling ever since.

So in an effort to rekindle the Star Wars flame — or possibly snuff it out entirely — I decided to rewatch The Phantom Menace. I wanted to reacquaint myself with the story, and this seemed the best way to do it — even though, truth be told, I was dreading the screening. I’d seen The Phantom Menace twice before, and pretty much hated it both times.

What I really wanted was an abridged version of the film, with just the plot and the cool scenes but none of the crap. Such a version is rumored to exist in the form of The Phantom Edit, but I had no idea how to secure a copy. The next best thing would have been a knowledgeable friend sitting next to me as I watched the DVD, telling me what stuff I should fast-forward through.

Well, I’m that knowledeable friend now. If you foolishly decide to watch The Phantom Menace yourself, here’s all the skippable stuff.

I started compiling these fast-forwards with two objectives: to get the film under 90 minutes, and to eliminate as much Jar-Jar Binks as possible; halfway through the film I spontaneously added a third: to omit all the midichlorian flummery. (This might be a bad idea — it’s possible they play a role in Revenge of the Sith, though I’m guessing that, like Jar-Jar, Lucas is going to pretend like he’d never introduced them.)

Total time saved: 42:42 (although I’ll admit that including the end credits in the time is kinda cheating).

Conclusion: Rather to my surprise, The Phantom Menace was every bit as bad as I remembered. I thought that perhaps it had gotten worse in my memory, but, nope: it’s full-on travesty. The saddest thing is that the first 10 minutes of the film are very promising, making minutes 11-138 all the more tragic, like spotting a $100 bill on the sidewalk, bending over to pick it up, and having a piano dropped on you.

“Unlike you I am not an idiot and have no intention to rewatching Phantom Menace, so why don’t you sum up?”: You can find a very thorough summary here. In a nutshell, though, there are three main points:

• Senator Palpatine, in the guise of Darth Sidious, engineers the invasion of Naboo, knowing that the Republic’s Chancellor will be unable to deal with it. When his prediction proves true, Palpatine arranges for a vote of no-confidence in the current leadership, and, in its aftermath, is voted into the position of Chancellor — his true aim all along.
• Qui-Gon and Obi Wan, two Jedis, encounter a boy named Anakin Skywalker, who has more innate ability with the Force than anyone they have ever met. Anakin is taken to the Jedi Council where he proves his aptitude with the Force. The Council refuses to train him, however, saying that he is too old and full of fear. Qui-Gon defiantly decides to train Anakin himself, and the Council grudgingly agrees. When Qui-Gon later dies, he makes Obi Wan promise to continue Anakin’s training.
• Qui-Gon and Obi Wan are attacked by Darth Maul, a member of a group called the Sith that was thought long extinct. The Jedi Council considers the reemergence of the Sith be be worrisome in the extreme.

Random revelation: I have long assumed that the title of the final movie in the series, Return of the Jedi, refers to Luke Skywalker. At some point in watching Phantom Menace, though, it occurred to me that the titular Jedi could be Darth Vader — when Luke is on the verge of being killed, the Jedi in Anakin returns and intervenes.

I was in the car this evening listening to 103.7 The Mountain, and they played a song so funny that it had me laughing out loud.

I later checked their website for info on the song, but the track was omitted from the playlist. So I sent an email to Marty Riemer, The Mountain DJ who had played it. Not only did Riemer write back almost immediately (it wasn’t even during his shift), but after informing me that the song in question was unavailable on CD he even went through the trouble of creating and sending me a MP3 of the performance. Whatta great guy!

The song is “Business Time” by a group called “Flight of the Conchords,” who describe themselves as “New Zealand’s 4th most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo.” They don’t appear to have an official website, but a comprehensive fan site can be found here.

And without further ado:

“Business Time” by Flight of the Conchords

This was taken from a live recording of FotC playing at the Montreal Comedy Festival. The music starts at :55, but the preamble is funny too. More clips from these guys can be found at http://www.whatthefolk.net/soundandvision.htm, and a CD of their stuff (but lacking “Business Time,” alas) can be purchased here.

And while I’m heaping praise on 103.7, may I point out that one of my favorite programs, “The Chill Side of the Mountain,” which used to air only on Sunday evenings, is now broadcast five days a week. Here is the most recent playlist. Good stuff for Seattlites.