Berried Alive

One of my vices is a predilection for shitty cereal. Most mornings I start the day with a bowl Cheerios or whatnot, but every other month I splurge on a box of some sugary abomination and then proceed to demolish it over the next three days or so. I feel like I owe it to my ten year-old self, who promised he would do exactly this when he became an adult.

I am not a connoisseur, however, so I always buy the store-brand knockoff cereal instead of the original. Froot Hoops. Honey Snacks. Earl Chocola. Fortunate Tchotchkes.

This week I picked up a Cap’n Crunch clone called “Berry Crackles,” complete with the obligatory cartoon animal mascot.

Except the longer I looked at Crackles the Squirrel, the more I became convinced that he was actually a Surgeon General mandated warning, illustrating what will happen to your children if they eat this stuff.

The only thing missing was some accompanying text.

Warning: Berry Crackles contains more sugar than the island of Cuba, and should not be taken internal by persons under 14 or above 10 years of age. Consumption may result in clenched teeth, asymmetrically bulging eyes, dialted pupils, double vision, accelerated fur- and tail-growth, and sucrose-fueled hyperactivity. In case of accidental ingestion, induce vomiting and place child in front of "Antiques Roadshow" until sedated.

39 thoughts on “Berried Alive

  1. I satisfy my sugar-cereal urge by simply putting Wheat Chex UNDER whatever sugar-bomb is currently of interest. That way it’s healthy. Yeah.

    And seriously, spring for the real stuff. The store brands are always just off enough to not quite be enjoyable.

    “Fortunate Tchotchkes” made me literally laugh out loud, however.

  2. I was always a huge fan of Frosted Mini Wheats until one day I got the knock-off brand “Frosted Mini Spooners”, (spooners, damn that’s a funny name). It’s just as good…really! Don’t let anyone ride you for your frugal cereal selection its just more money you can save to put into the Diabetes-medical-bills-jar.

  3. I’ve always wondered how much nutritional value a food has to have to be “part of a complete breakfast”. I mean, if I ate grass off of my front lawn, that must have something my body needs, therefor making it “part” of a complete breakfast, right?

  4. After I moved out on my own after college, I ate Lucky Charms for breakfast for about three months straight. My “breakfast game” was to see if I could eat all of the oat bits first without ingesting any marshmallow bits. That way when I got to the end of the bowl, there was nothing left but milk and pure sugar bliss.

    Trader Joe’s store brand cereals are pretty good. Mostly healthy selections though, although they do have a Frosted Mini-Wheats knock-off in both regular and cinnamon flavors that is pretty good.

  5. At the exact time I was reading something about generic Cheerios I was taking my first bite of the morning about them.

  6. How can any intelligent discussion of sugary cereals go this far without a mention of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs? I can’t start my morning without a bowl or three of them.

  7. You neglected to mention that that squirrel is also missing most of his teeth. That’s gotta be a consequence of something.

  8. Squirrel…….Squirrely ????? Hmmmmmmmm……..

    methinks someone’s daddy “Accidentally ingested” too much sugar!

  9. At my college, we call that cereal “Berry Crack.” There’s also “Peanut Butter Crack” — both names are based on the eyes of that squirrel. Dorm kitchens frequently feature the fronts of the boxes, cut to reveal the cereal’s new, more appropriate name.

  10. I love the knock-off cereal names. I’ve been eating a cocoa puffs clone recently called “Cocoa COOL.” And let me not fail to mention the Cap’n Crunch rip-off, King Vitamin!

  11. You forgot to mention ‘rougher than a dirt road’ and ‘permanent damage may be done to the roof of your mouth.’

    At least that’s true for Cap’n Crunch.

    How sweet is it that you buy the generic? Like you are saving that extra .69 cents for Squirrely’s college money. What a dad! (It’s probably melting my heart because this is like something my own husband would do…while I would spend 10X the .69 cents he saved on nail polish. Oh, well.

  12. i think sugary cereals are my biggest weakness…but the real stuff is way way better than the knock offs and totally worth the extra 50 cents

  13. I love Cocoa Dots better than Puffs. And I too call them Inferior-Os. I have to admit that I like Safeway ketchup better than Heinz.

    Grammar Police…Le Sigh. Matthew can be forgiven all because he is a quality blogger, which is too rare.

  14. There’s something wrong with the mind that conceived that squirrel.

    I’ve been told so. Often.

    Re: sugary cereal. I used to think Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch was the best cereal ever, until I recently tasted the unholy goodness that is Reese’s Cereal. Like Cocoa Puffs and PB Cap’n Crunch in one bowl. Infinite fabulousness. fabulosity? Fabulabulabulous, by golly.

  15. I thought the same thing when I saw that box–we don’t have Safeway here anymore, so I’ve never had the privelege–“Berry CRACKles…heavy on the crack.”

  16. It’s proven! What Mom deprived us of as children, has now come back to haunt her.I too exert my control over my food intake by splurging on sugar cereal once in a while (the real thing I might add). I won’t tell if you won’t tell.

  17. Grammar police: well, yeah. But … he spelled connoisseur and tchotchkes correctly. Speaking of which, I thought “Fortunate Tchotchkes” was pretty funny until I realized what it referred to (guess the lepre-cohens really like ’em), then it was really funny. Great post!

  18. I had a WICKED case of deja-vu when I saw that squirrel. I’ve seen that parasite-ridden disease vector before. Which is odd, since we don’t have drug crazed rodents on our cereal in Australia (I’m starting a petition RIGHT NOW). Anyway, proof that I remember WAAAAY too much about what I read on the internet:

  19. To the Yeti and his sister,

    Dad puts tons of sugar on his shredded wheat. He just never told you. And I had a secret stash of Corn Pops. Yummm!

  20. Ah, grasshopper, you do not know the truth about King Vitamin! The good king is, or was, a completely seperate cerereal in the days of my youth! With his crown shaped nuggets of sweetness more honey flaored than corn syrup flavored (like the good Captain of Crunch). One of the saddest things I gave up in our move away from Ohio as a child was the good King.

    As to the Captain, well I find his main cereal inedible due to the glass shards destroying the roof of my mouth, but I will accept no subtitutes for the Peanut Butter cereal.

  21. Now I remember that varmit! Ever since I saw your post it has bugged me, I’ve seen that cartoon critter… Even worse I’ve actually eaten this cereal! I was in Las Vegas for the longest eight days of my life for a trade show. The group I was with had a suite and I went to Von’s (owned by Safeway) to get some food, so I wouldn’t have to eat out every meal. I got this cereal, ate it every morning, and was beginning to have the serious shakes by the end of the trip.

  22. Back when I was in college I’d buy the huge bags of cereal off the bottom shelf. Not just knock-off brands, but BULK knock-off. I had a tendancy to eat it for breakfast AND dinner on a regular basis. I affectionately referred to it as “Bachelor Chow”

Comments are closed.