defective yeti CareLess Bands

It seems like you can’t rip a yuppie’s arm out of its socket these days without acquiring a few “care bands” in the process.

For those of you who have been too busy scouring thrift stories for Rubik’s Cubes and parachute pants to keep abreast of current trends, “care bands” are these rubber rings that people wear around their wrist, each of which costs about a ha’ penny to manufacture and sells for, like, five bucks. People are willing to pay the markup because some amount of the money is contributed to charity, and then the band itself serves as an homage for their largess.

Other weblog might pontificate about the ethical dilemmas posed by this conflation of philanthropy and fashion. But not us, oh my goodness no. We would never presume to judge you, not when there’s a buck to be made.

In fact, we’re willing to take things to a while new level, asking: if your sole purpose in giving to charity is to advertise the fact, why not just skip the whole “giving to charity” step?

That’s why defective yeti is proud to announce CareLess Bands. At only $1 a piece, CareLess Bands cost just a fraction of the cost of traditional care bands. Plus, you can have the message of your choice emblazoned thereon, allowing you to affiliate yourself with the demographic, social movement, or worldview of your choice.

How can we afford to offer a better product for less money? Because we contribute absolutely nothing to worthy causes — and pass the saving on to you!!

But don’t take my word for it — just look at these satisfied customers, all of whom are me:

Note: wearers are not required to have slender, girlish wrists that will snap like twigs in a strong gale, although defective yeti Careless Bands will constrict blood flow to normal-sized hands, resulting in loss of sensation, gangrene, and eventual amputation. Just, you know, FYI.

defective yeti Careless Bands are made from only the finest materials available at Walgreens, and most will include illegible writing and misspellings — proof that each has been lovingly handcrafted. Don’t delay! Paypal $1 to defective yeti today, and get ready to show the world that you care … less!

* * *

50 comments.

  1. “Yuppie”? Do people still say “yuppie”?

  2. Everything has sucked since Jim Henson died.

    :::hunting for the Paypal button::::

  3. At least this way you can get bands that fit your wrists – I have thin wrists (thinner than yours, even!) so the charity bands end up halfway up my arm or around my hands.

    I think you’re on a winner here… :)

  4. oh, i totally steal this idea.

  5. I love the visible rubber band bag underneath the last one.

  6. Can’t….find…paypal button!!!

  7. Awesome! You forgot to mention the great hair removal properties of your CareLess bands, especially on those of us who are closer to apes than others.

    And, you should try selling these to the despair.com guys. I bet they’d get a kick out of them.

  8. The funny thing is that it is kids that are wearing them now, and they aren’t giving money to charity on purpose, they are giving money to charity to buy a rubber band to put around their wrist because it looks cool.

    I just bought my baby one tonight for 50 cents from a gumball machine thing.’ It was purple and it said ‘courage’ and I’m such a coward this was actually meaningful to me. So I said to myself “I’m keeping this!” so I gave her the little plastic ball that it came in, instead. Which she enjoyed greatly.(Later, out of guilt I tried to give the bracelet to her and she chewed on it and threw it on the sidewalk…so I think I made the right decision initially.)

  9. Should I be disturbed that I immediately recognized those as Matthew’s wrists… and I’ve never seen Matthew in real life?

  10. Carny Asada: Whose wrists would they be besides Matthew’s?

    And I see you are serious about this, sir. That bag looks like it held quite a few rubber bands!

  11. This site never disappoints but when you read the latest post and it begins ‘It seems like you can’t rip a yuppie’s arm out of its socket these days…’ you know it’s going to be extra-special.

    These things are huge among 10-17 year olds in Britain. My niece is perpetually decked in her non-support of bullying, her commitment to peace, her predilection for loyalty and her embracing of the movement to end hunger in Africa. Also, her obligation to wear whatever is in fashion. At least she’s not wearing ponchos anymore…

  12. Finally, someone has put into words my deep innermost feelings about these awful awful awful “”bracelets.””

  13. I admit that I was feeling guilty because I didn’t want to wear the bands. Someone gave me a green one that said “Save Darfur,” and I AGREE, but I don’t want to wear a bracelet. I have a fantasy that someday I’ll be a philanthropist and give lots and lots of money to good, worthy causes while being public about one or two causes in order to inspire people to give more because hey, Alkelda the Gleeful supports it… but in order for that to happen, I’ll need a lot of money. I don’t see lots of money in my near future. So it goes!

  14. From the “Whatever it takes” category, I don’t care WHY people make philanthropic contributions, I’m just happy they ARE.

  15. Brendan: These are the Internets. They could be just about anybody’s wrists, including George Bush’s. But I’m pretty sure George Bush’s wrists are thicker.

  16. Does that giant bag contain one that says “stupid people suck” ? or maybe “bite me” – those would be fitting for me I think.

  17. Brilliant!

    I always thought it was weird that people walked around with with a “rubber” around their wrists. I mean… there are just some things I don’t need to know!

  18. ^ About the word “rubber”…I work at a golf range and we have these rubber tees that you use with your driver. There’s this Korean guy that always comes in and asks to borrow a rubber. It’s hard not to laugh.

  19. Hahahahahahahaha:::breath:::::hahahahahahahahahah:::breath/wiping tears::smile. I’ve been off work for a month and a half because my 8 year old son is recovering from emergency neurosurgery. I no longer get to sleep. Jim Hensen died. Life has been one ginormous suckfest lately. It’s been ages since I used all these laugh muscles and my face hurts. Thanks:-)

  20. Just imagine how popular all of those expensive rubber wrist bracelets will be when the kids discover that the can use them as slingshots to embed folded-over paperclips into wooden doors, not to mention each other. I predict a parallel rise in both philanthropic largess and emergency room visits.

  21. So, did this whole movement come out of some advertising executive going broccoli shopping then?

  22. I’m still waiting to buy a bracelet with “Trendy” written on it.

  23. Deron: Close enough?

  24. I like one that says “Hungry People Make Me Sad”, because it reminds me that being sad makes me hungry and I’d rather spend my dollar on a candy bar.

  25. If you need business partner, I have several different color pens that be used to signify the price paid for the band, thus upping not only the trendiness of the band, but the amount of money that goes to “charity.”

    This is a limited time offer. Void in 42 states, state names not included. Call now (Call is 3.99 per minute, but it all goes to charity).

  26. …lest someone forget to mention, not only can this handy dandy “Bracelet” be used as a fashion statement and…Thank you “C.”… Slingshot, but also can be used around both wrists as temporary handcuffs – not to mention if stretched far enough you can create a wonderful musical instrument!

  27. I heard this weekend that a school board in Ontario banned the wearing of the colorful rubber bracelets as high-school kids were wearing them to flaunt their degree of sexual experience (e.g. red for oral sex, yellow for 1st base – whatever that is nowadays). Not sure if this is simply an urban legend but it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true.

  28. For those of you who are gamer dorks: has anyone else seen PvP’s ‘Support the Pwned’ wristbands? He got a lot of angry mail for ‘trivalizing’ them…but when Walgreens is selling ones that say ‘Balla’ I think that its been trivialized about as much as it will ever be. At least Support the Pwned is funny.

  29. Do you ship to Europe (Belgium to be precise) ?

  30. I think your CareLess bands are very funny. Can I share a nice story about why I wear my LiveStrong bracelet? I work for a large firm in Austin, home of Lance Armstrong. One of our teammates was dying of cancer, so our VP gathered everybody who was available (about 150 people), gave us each a bracelet (purchased from the Lance Armstrong foundation, of course), took a large group photo of the whole crowd of us holding up our bracelets in support, and gave it to Bob. I imagine it meant a lot to him. Shortly afterwards, my project manager was diagnosed with cancer, so I figured I’d continue wearing the bracelet, as a reminder to send a little prayer and helpfulness her way. She’s back in the office and looking better than ever, and her prognosis is good.

    At this point, the bracelet’s a reminder: Life is ephemeral; live fully, and tell your sweetie you love him. Plus, I like fiddling with it.

  31. Thanks Sharon, for making me feel like a jerk for laughing….

    ;-(

  32. don’t feel like a jerk, the best rubber band gag was the low-cost hands free cell phone headset. you know the one, with the guy’s cell phone secured to his ear with a rubberband around his head. “hands free headset! why pay thirty bucks? fits all phones!”

  33. Sorry, sorry. I laughed, too. (Except about the Jim Henson one, because it’s true.) It’s just, we’re not all fashion-whores. On the other hand, I find the rash of knockoffs pretty tasteless, and I think Mr. Yeti’s new offering in this arena makes precisely the right point.

  34. i read the first one as “hungry people make me sick” which, per the joke, is much better imho.

  35. You armas are very hairy.
    Shave them.

  36. You are a naughty little monkey. Mocking such worthy causes. Shame on you.

    Of course, this is coming from the guy who, whenever he sees the “Free Tibet” bumper stickers, always does the same thing. I ask, “Where? Where can I get my free Tibet?”

    :)

  37. And if you stretch them too far they can take out your eye, thus making you eligible for charity.

  38. Longtime lurker here…I had to share this story. Last year my company actually had the gall to produce rubber bracelets in ‘company colors’ that said “Work Safe”. Ostensibly the purpose was to promote safety in the workplace, which just conveniently promotes corporate profitability. In disgust, I wrote “Increase Corporate Profit” on the bracelet they made me take. Only a few people understood what I was getting at – and my boss was NOT among them!

  39. Allie: Heh. If it had been me, I would have probably taken offense at the company’s belief that I needed to be reminded to work safe and would have added “you clumsy bastard!” to mine.

  40. charley – especially for you… The cheap and cheerful hands free kit!

    Hell, it might be old, but it still gets a smile from me each time I see it… :D

  41. I find this whole bracelet phenom pretty interesting. Since when did people advertise their charity? I prefer anonymous giving over wearing it like a billboard.

  42. I guess I have been hiding under a rock. I only noticed these things last week.

    I was all sad because you had stopped writing, but then I noticed that your xml feed was boogered. That cheered me right up.

  43. It’s true – everything has sucked since Jim Henson died. You ought to make that a shirt on CafePress.

  44. I was in Staples today and I notice that they’re not only bootlegging CareLess Bands ™, they’re providing bulk kits that I can only imagine are intended for resale by other bootleggers.

    It might be time for a call to the FTC and your attorneys.

  45. I hate those rubber bracelets. There are so many of them now that nobody even knows what they stand for.

    Yesterday I recieved a couple of white rubber bracelets in the mail that say “3x Challenge For Health”. (drink 3 glasses of milk a day for a healthy body or something like that)

    I gave one to my cousin, he wore it out in public, and when asked what it stood for he said it was in support of masturbating 3 times a day for a healthier body. The sad thing about all of this is that everyone believed him.

  46. From Archie McPhee:
    http://www.mcphee.com/items/M6133.html

  47. I like the people who where the Livestrong ones while driving SUVs. YEAH! SUPPORT CYCLING WHILE DRIVING A 2 TON THREAT TO THE SPORT! You’ll know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever been on a road bike in Massachusetts.

  48. I wore one of those, kinda.

    I was on vacation in florida, and my friend buys this hat-and-shirt combo that came rubberbanded togethr with a rubber band that said “Hat and Shirt Combo”. So I whipped out a sharpie, drew little hats and shirts on it, and wore it for about a month until it snapped.

    Making no sense is almost as fun as being sarcastic/ironic about it.

    Also, where’s the paypal button?

  49. I completely and wholeheartedly agree with your Jim Henson statement…where can I buy one of those bands? :)

  50. you are so dang funny! i’m glad i stumbled across your site back in my other life.

    it makes me laugh out loud. This makes my co-workers wonder what EXACTLY is bw doing in her little cubbie? Hmmmm?

    and i like that.

    good times. good times.