From Boasting To Blubbering In 60 Seconds Flat

From an IRC channel I frequent:

matthew: The cute and at-least-ten-years-my-junior barrista at my coffee shop just comped my afternoon decaf. This may be the first fringe benefit of flirting I have ever received.

matthew: Aside from the wife and child, that is.

torrez: HAHA. Oh yes, them.

tenuki: You go out for decaf…?

dreamattack: i’ve never understood the drinking of the decaf

potentato: she feels bad charging money for decaf

valmunin: Decaf coffee is just hot water…

matthew: It’s was a decaf latte, okay? A latte. But the latte is beside the point. Cute girls are comping my drinks, people. Can we please stay on topic?

torrez: Aren


  1. Some names have been changed to protect the jerks.

  2. Haha -V funny :)

  3. I’d like to emphasize my complaint was only re: decaf. I’m a fancy-boy latte drinker myself.

  4. That’s freakin’ awesome. Good for you for getting comped. And good for them to get on your case.

    Decaf is one thing, Latte’s another.

  5. You know that one Star Trek: The Next Generation where Data tries to master the art of the affectionate insult? Once I stopped laughing, I was impressed by how much these guys love you.

  6. Matthew Baldwin: Fancy Lad.

  7. I get my double-Americano’s-no-room, comped all the time by the 20-year-old cute barista girls. Gotta step up to the manly drinks, biznatch.

    PS: At least you weren’t ordering soy chai.

  8. I worked at a coffee place briefly and we called the decaf non-fat lattes a “why bother”

  9. Okay, first of all, don’t diss the soy chai. It’s good stuff.

    Second of all, Matthew, a decaf latte is no big deal. I get harrassed by my boyfriend (and rightly so) when I walk into a Starbucks and get a ‘grande decaf soy caramel macchiato kid’s temperature [I can’t handle the heat, okay?!?!] with foam instead of whipped cream and extra caramel sauce.’ Then he walks down the street to Tim Hortons and gets a ‘regular coffee.’

    You can take the girl out of Los Angeles, but you can’t take the Los Angeles out of the girl. It’s sad, it really is.

  10. It’s funny because it’s true. She’s willing to flirt because there’s no danger in a decaf latte guy.

  11. Don’t worry, Matt. I find you frightening.

  12. Once again we have Matthew Baldwin and “The Doings of Fops”

  13. Come on, already. Get a free scone and we’ll talk. Pansy.

  14. Fantastic.

  15. Eh, baristas comp all the time. I used to be one, and I definitely did. You’d be tempted to comp decaffers the most, though, since what they were slugging was eminently useless.

  16. Yeah, a decaf latte is cool right? We’re still men, aren’t we? Even though we can’t handle real coffee…and apparently we can’t afford it either.

  17. Crocheted lace doilies.

  18. Matthew, while I find you wildly sexy and dangerous with your decaf lattes (after all, did James Bond drink boilermakers? He did not.), I love your IRC friends. Where do you find such quick, witty folks?

  19. I’d want compensation for being given a decaf latte too…

  20. Sorry Matthew, I

  21. Bwahaaaahaa! I love it.

    I won’t mention my secret affection for pumpkin scones at Starbucks.

  22. Way to salvage your rugged image as a Seattle metropolitan man of action: Next time the nubile barista comps you a decaf latte (snort!), you pull a rusty hipflask from your torn Chinos, look around surreptitiously, pour a shot into the innocuous beverage, wink at the barista conspiratorially and shuffle back to your laptop with a world-weary expression on your face.


  23. That totally reminds me of my IRC friends. Hilarious stuff.

  24. De-caf coffee is just dirty bitter water. What the purpose of drinking it. Like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Makes no sense.

  25. Hehe! Hilarious.

  26. Awesome stuff Matthew!

    oh and soy chai is DA BOMB!

  27. Decaf = water with a hard-on

  28. “IRC channel.” [this might be offensive]

  29. What the heck is “comping?”
    And what’s wrong with a soy chai, damnit!?

  30. Comping – When you give free stuff away, yet put it through the till as “Complimentary” so, technically, it’s not stealing.

    Except that it kinda is.

  31. Mmmmm latte. I think I’m much more likely to carry on flirting with a latte guy than, say, an espresso-with-lemon guy. It’s not so much a matter of sophistication, as just “Wow, lemon. This guy is trying wa-aa-ay too hard to be cool.”

  32. Is this

  33. Every time I get together with a certain friend of mine, I can count on the fact that at some point, he’ll regale me with the decaf jingle from the David Letterman show:

    “Decaffeinated coffee / It’s pointless, brown hot water
    “Decaffeinated coffee / Say goodbye to your will to live
    “Decaffeinated coffee
    “Oh, boy! / It sucks!”

    That’s his version, anyway.

  34. I just want to know why the hell you didn’t post this on ;)


    Wow. There’s robbing the cradle, and then there’s robbing twenty of them.

  36. Matthew Baldwin anagram:

    Hid BMW, wan latte.

    I think he’s more of a fancy boy than he lets on.

  37. I’d comp you a scone.
    and there’s nothing wrong with decaf, I figure decaf drinkers are the only ones that actually like the flavor of coffee (as they’re not really getting anything else out of it).

  38. I used to deliver coffee for a specialty roaster in Lake Tahoe. One of the clients used to sell t-shirts which loudly proclaimed “Death Before Decaf”