$eason$ Greeting$!!

I’m really looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. In the past I always dreaded the whole Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year’s troika. But ever since I signed up to be a Conversational Spammer back in August, every party is a chance for me to pull in the big bucks. I can’t believe how much money I made in October, what with Halloween-related events nearly every weekend day. Everytime I spam a conversation: two cents, ka-ching! Do it enough an it really adds up!

Girl dressed as sexy nurse: That’s a great costume. How did you make the arms?

Guy dressed as a robot: I bought some of that flexible culvert tubing from the hardware store and just spray-painted it silver. I came out a lot better than I expected, to be honest.

Me: Great conversation! Keep up the good work! Enlarge your penis. penis pills emporium dot net.”

{I wander over to another conversation.}

Guy dressed as zombie: … was a big fan of Firefly, but, I dunno. It seemed kinda boring to me.

Guy dressed as Mexican wrestler: But the special effects were so much better. And they finally answered some questions about the characters.

Guy dressed as zombie: I guess. Maybe I’m just so used to seeing 40-minute episodes that the two hour movie felt too long to me.

Me: You can’t win if you don’t play! online hyphen poker hyphen parties dot us!

{I wander over to another conversation.}

Girl dressed as a cat: … being a total bitch, and I’m not going to —

Me: lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com.

{I wander off.}

Oh course, these were all parties with complete strangers, so who knows if they actually went to the URLS. Thanksgiving and Christmas are full of gatherings with families, and I bet my potential for earning will really go up in that environment.

Uncle Aldo: [Taking the bowl of stuffing] Well, this is for me. What are the rest of you going to eat?

{Laughter.}

Grandma Sharon: Oops, I forgot the cranberries. I’ll just run into the kitchen ….

Uncle Don: No no, I’m already up. You stay put and I’ll go grab them.

Me: Want to see me naked? X x x hyphen nude hyphen webcams dot net.

{Awkward silence.}

* * *

16 comments.

  1. Um.

    ::snicker::

  2. This is so funny! I have often wondererd about the spam I get. For example, I was going through my Junk email, thinning it out, when I saw the subject line: “Sexy baby, bad erection?”

    I thought: How in the world did that particular spammer think something this lame-o would ever get through? At least some of the others are more imaginative when they try to disguise their pathetic ads: “Re (8): hi” and if you dare click on it, who knows what scary thing you’ll see!

    So my husband showed me this funny answer to pathetic spam: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/10/28bartlett.html

  3. Hey, you changed it and I see the difference! Wow, you actually *could* get more offensive! Well done.

    Actually, I like the first version better, despite your improved targeting. (Everyone’s a critic.)

  4. This was at the end of an ‘Experience More Powerful Erections’ spam I received yesterday.

    “i am busy, no thank you, go above
    All right; I can stay about a day before I go bankrupt.
    Give me a room

    CERTAINEMENT, M’sieur”

    makes me want more powerful erections, that’s for sure.

  5. That conversational spamming is GENIUS! It sounds like a great way to make extra cash. Up til now I’ve been making extra cash the hard way, by stealing it out of the purses of my friends and family members. How can I get into that conversational spamming?

  6. Your post would be more funny if it weren’t already true: Advertising agencies a few years ago decided to pay attractive people to stand in trendy bars and say, loudly enough for people nearby to hear, stuff like, “I can’t believe how refreshing and delicious this (insert beverage name here) is! I think I’ll have sex with the guy who bought it for me!”

  7. Ahh, nicer still. Well done!

  8. lol–spam griping never gets old ;)

  9. I just HAD to tell you that I JUST NOW got the “incredible illusion” below. Boy do I feel stupid. :)

    Love your blog! The Squirrely is adorable.

  10. See also: Bob the Door-To-Door Spammer:
    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/01/14

  11. I love your blog. I’ll be sure to come back often. I also have a blog at: http://hamptonlevolorblinds.blogspot.com

    I mostly talk about things related to levolor blinds in the Hamptons.

  12. I have a window and 100 people within earshot, so I would like to join your affiliate program.

  13. Just think of the possibilities for topical and creative, yet somewhat confusing positioning, like breast enlargement at thanksgiving dinner.
    Excellent.

  14. Every day I get at least three messages from the good people of Online Pharmaceuticals. I’ve started to compile a staff directory, if you’re interested: Lorenzo P. Deodorant; Eligibility I. Froth; Fierceness U. Hanna; Experimenters F. Hatchbacks; Submitted F. Cloth; Acceptably L. Shaun; Idealist H. Baggage.

    Preface each name with “Hey honey, listen to this one!” and you’ll get an idea of what working at home is like for my husband. At this point, perhaps we do need the discounted cases of Viagra.

  15. Awesome. There’s usually a lot of awkward silences at our Holiday Dinners. With your program, at least I can get paid for them!

  16. i thoroughly intend emulating your spamming concept at every possible chance i get. this is genius.