Desperately Seeking Stupid

Yes, it’s that time of year again — time to send me your suggestion for the stupidest items available for sale on Internets 3-7 for my annual Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers. See previous Slacker Guides here: 2002, 2003, & 2004. If you’ve found something so stuplime that it merits inclusion, send me an email at matthew@defectiveyeti.com, or mention it in the comments to this post. Thanks!

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37 comments.

  1. Gold plated slinky!

    http://www.fao.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=1580

  2. I’m not sure if this is really stupid, but did you know that people are spending good money to buy imaginary money for use in MMOG’s? Ebay has 280+ lots of ISK (the currency of EVE Online) for sale at the moment. When we say “Get a life”, we need to specify “get a *real* life”!

  3. I hope the USB Noodle Strainer has been mentioned before…

  4. I saw this in a newspaper ad recently, but you can see it here: http://www.butterbeantrading.com/03a163.html

    It’s the Smiley Tree Face — which appears to be Mr. Potato Head-like facial features you put on your tree.

    It’s great if you’re trying to replicate McDonaldland or something, but it strikes me as a little creepy.

  5. I saw this in a newspaper ad recently, but you can see it here: http://www.butterbeantrading.com/03a163.html

    It’s the Smiley Tree Face — which appears to be Mr. Potato Head-like facial features you put on your tree.

    It’s great if you’re trying to replicate McDonaldland or something, but it strikes me as a little creepy.

  6. This is almost useful … http://www.bananaguard.com/

  7. You’ve been here right: http://www.stupid.com
    There is some pretty amazing crap there. I really want the Shock Tanks: http://www.stupid.com/stat/TNKK.html
    Fun!

  8. Infidel’s Revenge Ballpoint Pen. Ack.
    http://www.susbloodlabs.com/

    I also offer the Nascar crockpot.
    http://www.crockpotcraze.com/racing/?tp=VE1HUj0xLHRpZD0yMDIs

  9. Wait, one more….
    Thank you. Thank you very much.
    http://www.shop.com/op/aprod-p27704969?sourceid=3

  10. Wait, one more….
    Thank you. Thank you very much.
    http://www.shop.com/op/aprod-p27704969?sourceid=3

  11. http://www.cupacake.com/

    An individual cupcake holder for the preschooler who has everything.

  12. Could there be anything more stuplime than the bacon strip bandages from Archie McPhee?

    http://www.mcphee.com/items/11476.html

  13. My boss found a terrifying animatronic chimpanzee bust in Skymall:

    http://www.skymall.com/webapp/skystore?process=prodDisplay&action=&pid=69757949&catId=Search

    The price is $149, but I have to think the cost to your sanity is much greater.

  14. I saw the C3PO version of this thing the other day at the grocery store and it’s just as disturbing as it is stupid. I have no idea what one would do with this thing.

  15. how about the avenging unicorn?
    http://www.mcphee.com/items/11554.html

  16. How bout the Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System?

    The Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System is a hand held bidet sprayer. This product attaches to any standard tank toilet and no plumber is required to set it up. Handi-Cleanse cleans & refreshes, is easy to install and use, is for anal and vaginal use, and for elderly & physically challenged people. This contains no harmful chemicals and is doctor recommended.

    The package contains:
    rubber washer
    handle spray head
    sealer tape
    stop valve
    fill valve

    Tools needed: pliers.

    Ok, its from “shopinprivate.com” so… uh, you can buy it privately, which is suggested ultimately. Secondly, um, WHICH doctor recommends a rigged up bidet for old people? Thirldly, I just love that it requires a set of pliers and comes with a STOPPER PLUG. Mmm, where to use them….

  17. erm, link … http://www.shopinprivate.com/hanperhygsys.html

  18. This is always amusing
    http://www.strangenewproducts.com/

  19. Oh Matt, oh Matt, oh Matt! Please, please, please. I want one of everything.

  20. ok forget all the others, how about this one.

    An artificial foreskin for men that have been circumsized!!!

    No joke, ‘When worn, the SenSlip will provide immediate protection.
    Irritation or friction to the penis will cease, and the surface
    of the glans and any remaining foreskin on the penile shaft
    will slowly become dekeratinized’

    check it out

    http://www.viafin-atlas.com/index2.asp

    warning: pictures of actual penises may offend.

  21. Life is in the timing. I was all set to hit the top of your charts but I’m about 30 minutes late. I’ll have to limp in with a weak suggestion of a Toothbrush Sterilizer.
    http://www.brandsonsale.com/toothbrush-sterilizer.html
    Bet you didn’t know this was a critical lack in your life.

  22. Not just an amateur thumb wrestling ring, but a Professional Thumb Wrestling Ring.
    http://www.usillygoose.com/prthwrri.html

  23. How about a phone scrambler for your international calls?
    http://www.safetalks.net/sv-100.php

  24. Why don’t you get them an mp3 of ‘My Hump’ – I mean, for the approximately 10 seconds its not on the radio, who could stand to be without it…

    This assumes, though, that the song isn’t burned into your brain already.

  25. http://www.christianthrowbackjersey.com

    For when you want a jersey that looks like a Phillies jersey, but really says “Philippians” or a LeBron-look-a-like that really says “Kings James”. And for when you want to get made fun of mercilessly.

  26. Two Words: Laser. Level.

  27. http://www.iattire.net/index.php/cPath/29?osCsid=2cfbf6501b63a9abbf58dc545dfa8af4

    Costumes for you iPod.

  28. That should say costumes for “your” iPod. I was not inferring that you’re an iPod.

  29. Bedside security.

  30. http://www.pointlessbutcool.com/gadgets/icopulate

    now your iPod can have sex with other iPods. Many other weird gifts on this website.

  31. how about a battery powered eraser ?!

    http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0007W5R90.01-A38VF1ZKFTUTWC._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

  32. http://www.whizzinator.com/

    Endorsed by Vikings running back Onterrio Smith and actor Tom Sizemore. Comes in five colors: White, Tan, Latino, Brown, and Black.

  33. In case the car itself doesn’t broadcast ‘I’m compensating for something’, here you go:

    http://www.bumpernuts.com

    And for the kiddies – a tricycle/Hotwheels-sized version! Warp ‘em young!

  34. A laser level is actually very useful.

  35. Is this Matt Baldwin from Springfield?

  36. All the useless stupidity you ever wanted in one site:

    The Chalk It! Mug. You know, so you can write fun messages in chalk on your mug. Because that’s not useless and messy or anything.

    The Shaking Shakers. How lazy could you possibly be?

    I don’t know about you, but I know where I’m doing my Christmas shopping next year. Yowza.

    The Strip Tease Mug. Dude. He’s not even naked. There’s a Speedo behind the CENSORED sign. Oh, my virgin eyes.

    The Roll Down Fruit Basket. Moderately useful, but it still looks uncannily like a small intestine. With an orange shooting out the end.

  37. Corrected with real live links!

    All the useless stupidity you ever wanted in one site: Taylor Gifts.

    The Chalk It! Mug. You know, so you can write fun messages in chalk on your mug. Because that’s not useless and messy or anything.

    The Shaking Shakers. How lazy could you possibly be?

    The Strip Tease Mug. Dude. He’s not even naked. There’s a Speedo behind the CENSORED sign. Oh, my virgin eyes.

    The Roll Down Fruit Basket. Moderately useful, but it still looks uncannily like a small intestine. With an orange shooting out the end.