Xyzzy

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure
Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office
You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you.

There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall.

What do you want to do now?

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> LOOK MIRROR
Self-reflection is not your strong suit.

> PET SEAL
It's not that kind of seal.

> EXAMINE CHAIRS
They are several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.

> FILL SHOES
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

> EXAMINE DESK
It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

> EAT PRETZEL.
I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
You are on the far right of the political spectrum.
Jesse Helms is here.
John Ashcroft is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
You are on the extreme right of the political spectrum.
Dick Cheney is here.
Pat Robertson is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> TAKE VACATION
Taken.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 58% out of a possible 100%.

> GO PHOTOOP
Photo Op
You are at a the Emma T. Booker Elementary School, along with a gaggle of obsequious members of the mainstream media.
There is a book here.
There are some children here.

> READ BOOK
You read "My Pet Goat."

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> GO HOME
You fly around aimlessly for a while, then return to the White House.

Oval Office

> GIVE SPEECH
Who do you want to give the speech to?

> AMERICAN PEOPLE
You give the speech to the American people.

> DIAGNOSIS
Your favorablity rating is 84% out of a possible 100%.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE AFGHANISTAN
Afghanistan
You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
(Leaving Afghanistan first.)
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> FUCK
Such language in a high-class establishment like this!

> HYPE THREAT
"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

> MONGER FEAR
"Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud ..."

> MUDDY WATER
"We know that Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network share a common enemy -- the United States of America. We know that Iraq and al Qaeda have had high-level contacts that go back a decade. And we know that after September the 11th, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the terrorist attacks on America ..."

> PUNISH CRITICS
"Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an Agency operative on weapons of mass destruction ... "

> RAILROAD CONGRESS
You schedule a vote on the Iraq invasion for just before the 2002 midterm elections. As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner.

Your plan to invade Iraq now has the backing of the American people and Congress.

> INVADE IRAQ
Baghdad
You enter the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, having toppled the government and captured the nation's key cities in only 21 days. You can't seem to find the promised throngs of citizens greeting you as liberators, but the footage of the Saddam statue being pulled down looks great on Fox!

> GIVE CONTRACTS
Who do you want to give the contracts to?

> HALLIBURTON
What kind of contracts do you wish to give to Halliburton?

> NO-BID
You give the no-bid contracts to Halliburton.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> WEAR FLIGHTSUIT
You put on the flightsuit.

> SAY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"
"Mission accomplished."

> EXAMINE MISSION
The mission is not accomplished.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

Some insurgents arrive.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a small number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a moderate number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

An election year arrives.

> GO LEFT
Far-Right
Pat Buchanan is here.
Sean Hannity is here.

> GO LEFT
Compassionate Conservativism
You are right-of-center on the political spectrum.
John McCain is here.
Joseph Leiberman is here.

> GET REELECTED
You get reelected.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
Tom DeLay is here.
Michelle Malkin is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a huge number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is an overwhelming number of insurgents here.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 47% out of a possible 100%.

> ADMIT MISTAKES
You are unable to admit mistakes.

> ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
You are unable to accept responsibility.

> DECLARE VICTORY
I do not know what you mean by "victory."

> QUIT
Oh, how we wish you would.

* * *

278 comments.

  1. You can make fun all you want, but according to your re-creation, Bush survived in Zork for, what, going on 6 years now. I consistently survived 6 minutes.

  2. BRAVO!

  3. If Bush is so in the dark, why hasn’t he been eaten by a Grue?

  4. ^^ ha!

  5. He’s only survived so long because he types so slowly.

  6. excellent post!

  7. Hilarious! Of course, if you’d been playing the Hitchhiker’s Guide game, all you’dve needed to do to escape the Ravenous Osama Beast of Afghanistan would’ve been to put your towel over your head. You hoopy frood, you.

    Or maybe he would’ve fit into the Thing Your Aunt Gave You That You Don’t Know What It Is?

    ;) Hilarious, Matthew!

  8. oh my. i love you.

  9. Is there an intersecting set of radical Republicans and Zork players?

  10. /wild applause

  11. He shoots, he scores!

  12. So f’ing funny :)

  13. LMAO Brilliant!

  14. > say “nucular”
    Nothing happens.

  15. That’s classic stuff. Best Internet post since the Cheney poker game!

  16. I love it! It reminded me that I really need to look for a version of Zork for Mac OS X.

  17. Jay-sus! That was a trip to the past. Too freakin’ funny…

    Damnit. Now I’m missing the computer lab and MUDDing.

  18. Iran and N. Korea have openly announced nuculear programs. What will you do?

    >enter diplomatic negotians

    Sorry, you do not know the meaning of diplomacy.

  19. That was funny and disturbing.

  20. So good!

    Thank you.

  21. Haha, gg. Way to speak to today’s generation ;)

  22. Hi-larious! Simplistic and reminicent of Air America talking points but hi-lairious just the same!

    By the way, did you ever play the Democratic Primary adventure? I tried everything I could think of, >SAY “JOHN KERRY REPORTING FOR DUTY”, >SAY “YEARRGH”, >SAY “I INVENTED THE INTERNET”, nothing seemed to work. But they’ve never been able to work the bugs out of that system so…

  23. brilliant.

  24. Brilliant. One of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

    If only it was just an Infocom game.
    Now all we can do is z
    z
    z
    z
    z

  25. This is brilliant.

  26. Genius!
    We all bow before you!

  27. > Vote for Bush
    A hollow voice says ‘Cretin’.

    Nicely done. If only small leaflets containing this post would be automatically inserted in every mailbox (north of house).

  28. That is fantastic!

    I could have used that as an example in my dissertation!!

  29. Sheer, utter genius…

  30. Holy shit, that’s fantastically funny!

  31. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A true ROFLMAO event.

  32. Oh man. This is fantastic.

  33. Brilliant!!!! :) Well done! *applauds*

  34. Fan-damn-tastic.

  35. “> FILL SHOES
    You are unable to fill Clinton’s shoes.”

    now THAT’s funny!!!

    Thank you, Matthew, that was genius.

  36. Thank you for making my day. Laughter truly is the best medicine, even if it is from jeering at a moron.

  37. I did NOT want the post to end – but the ending was fantastic. Fantastic stuff!

    >APPLAUD MATTHEW

  38. Makes me wonder what the leather goddesses of Phobos would do with him. Excellent work!

  39. puhleez give your collective heads a shake…

    There’s no stoppin’ the cretins from hoppin’
    You gotta keep it beatin’
    For all the hoppin’ cretins
    Cretin! cretin!
    I’m gonna go for a whirl with my cretin girl
    My feet won’t stop
    Doin’ the cretin hop
    Cretin! cretin!
    1-2-3-4
    Cretins wanna hop some more
    4-5-6-7
    All good cretins go to heaven

  40. BRILLIANT!!

  41. Bravo! :-D Only I wish it had ended a bit differently:
    >ENACT UNCONSTITUTIONAL LAWS THAT ERODE CIVIL LIBERTIES
    Michael Moore invites you to dinner.

    >HAVE DINNER WITH MICHAEL MOORE
    You weren’t informed that you are the main course. *burp*

    Just a bit of wishful thinking!

  42. Funny, but drags on

  43. Fucking stupid.

  44. Dishonest lefty dipshits. Like Zawodny.

  45. Brilliant. Hysterical. LMAO.

    Brilliant.

  46. In a strange coincidence, I had just been playing Colossal Cave Adventure online with my daughter when I read your post. (I know not this Zork whereof you speak: Apparently it was invented after my time, like, sometime after they first hooked up a monitor to a computer.)

    What *I* want to know is, when is the threatening little dwarf going to show up? And when will Bush find himself at Witt’s End?

  47. > GET WMD
    I don’t see that here!

    > LEAVE IRAQ
    You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

    > LEAVE IRAQ
    You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same.

    Floyd arrives. “Do you want to play?”

  48. …I hope Xyzzy is your real name, so Bush won’t sue your donkey after the new law with anonymous messages in the internet!

  49. Brilliant.

    http://www.robotskull.com/secrets//?q=node/129 has a non-political but equally funny (albeit a little more crude) text-based post.

  50. >RAPE ENVIRONMENT

    Rape environment where, your bare lands?

    >YES

    Congratulations, you just raped the environment in your bare lands.

  51. Brilliant…I’d love to read one of these for Tony Blair…haha…still laughing

  52. Matthew – I thought you were brilliant when you did the CVS/McRib post, but you have surpassed yourself. I am ON THE FLOOR laughing my head off over here.
    Brilliant gameplay.

  53. Funny. Took a moment for the Zork memories to come flooding back.

    Well played my friend, well played.

  54. Fantastic, just fantastic!!

  55. awesome. also, note the timestamp on the previous comment. time to roll!

  56. Excellent!!

    Pssst – you spelled Baghdad wrong though :-)

  57. It’s hilarious, and brilliant, but such a shame it’s true.
    BB

  58. Splendid!

  59. So, so good. And without a single mention of a grue.

  60. > PET SEAL
    It’s not that kind of seal.

    It’s so hard running Planet Space House, these days.

    Kind regard.

    Hector

  61. Parts were funny, like the pet seal thing, but this is the problem with the internet. 90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types who think this is great/true AND all smart people agree (I read it in the NYT, it must be true, right?). Only an idiot would think we’re doing the right thing in Iraq, and, while we’re at it, abortion is good, ipso facto. Only some right-wing Halliburton troglodyte would disagree with this self evident truth, and then only to prop up the dictator Bush.
    If you think everybody agrees with you, and you look at the election results, it must be weird. I had the same feeling during the Clinton administration. I remember thinking are the voters evil, or are they stupid? I think you, and most of your readers must feel the same way.

  62. Bill Bradford commented:

    > say “nucular”
    Nothing happens.

    I’m afraid that’s wrong. It actually should be:

    >SAY “NUCLEAR”
    “Nucular.”

  63. You got posted on meta

  64. Fan.Bloody.Tastic :-D

  65. Excellent work. Funny indeed.
    thanks…Oh, and even if people who get to read it already agree, this piece does give tem deas and arguments..

    cheers

  66. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time!

  67. Absolutely the funniest.

  68. That was so funny, thanks a lot.

  69. The White House: you are in a maze of twisted little personages, all alike.

    >Gloat

  70. “If Bush is so in the dark, why hasn’t he been eaten by a Grue?”

    Yes! Yes! Yes!

  71. potroast said: “90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types…”

    I appreciate that you’ve tried to make your point in a clear and (mostly) non-inflammatory manner, but I feel the need to point out that every NPR station has a different bent. I’ll fully admit that some are rather radically left, but some are very balanced. If you find one NPR station that you don’t like, try another. I loves me some NPR and I hate it hearing this stereotype repeated because it isn’t always true.

  72. How hilariously sad.

  73. OUTSTANDING! We linked to this on the Freak of the Week blog.

  74. This is pure effing genius.
    Where’s a damn Grue when you need one…

  75. That was so good and so painful at the same time. Ha ha ha ow ha ha ow ha ouch ha ha ha.

  76. Absolutely glorious! :)

  77. You need to make a real text adventure of this.

  78. LOTFL!

    I, for one, welcome our new intelligent, reality-based overlords. Oop, got into a bit of a wormhole thingy there for a moment. Sorry.

    I bow down in the face of your superior style, grace, and wit, Mr. Yeti!

    Now if I could just find my way out of the twisty passage I’ve been in since November 2000…

  79. Hilarious. :D I misjudged how you would end it, though. I figured it would end:

    > INVADE IRAN
    You are not able to do that, yet.

  80. Very well done! I love that the first thing he tries is “Invade Iraq.” This comes together so perfectly I’m actually now a little worried Infocom progammed the United States.

  81. Awesome!!!

  82. >Where am I?
    Quagmire.

  83. > SAY “YOU’RE DOING A HECK OF A JOB”
    Who do you want to say it to?

    > BROWNIE
    You say “you’re doing a heck of a job” to Brownie.

    There is an uproar.

    > IGNORE UPROAR
    Not bloody likely.

    > DISTRACT AMERICAN CITIZENS
    Not bloody likely.

    > SPY ON AMERICAN CITIZENS
    You are carrying too many things.
    War on Christmas dropped.
    Jack Abramoff dropped.
    North Korea dropped.

  84. That was the bestest post evar.

  85. Genius.

  86. Perfect!

  87. “Dishonest lefty dipshits. Like Zawodny.”

    >Kill troll
    What do you want to kill the troll with?

    >axe
    you swing the axe at the troll, but it hits the wall instead.

  88. Wow, that was really good.

  89. ROFLMAO…

    This is damn fine work, sir.

  90. Great Read.
    Thinking back, those test adventures were an exercise in patience. I remember trying 50-100 things to solve some problems, such as opening a door.
    Getting a four-line description of the next room was the reward. Amazing. Kind of like Burning Man: The failures are so frequent, the successes taste like honey.

  91. Excellent! I think the dumbing down of the United States (from the top down) is proceeding according to schedule!

    >Continue to read book at elementary school
    Wonder what language this book is printed in!
    (you’re told the Trade Center has been hit)
    >Continue to read book looking concerned now (book is still upside down)
    uh

  92. Amazing really great.

  93. Funny and yet sad.
    I agree with Jason’s proposed ending:

    > INVADE IRAN
    You are not able to do that, yet.

  94. Classic, loved it :)

  95. If only it WAS Fiction … and not reality. If only … Wonderful!

  96. Brilliant!

    The CIA will no doubt be in touch…

  97. Hi. This is the CIA. President Bush would like you to read this to him. He’s stuck on the big words.

  98. Very interesting….

  99. My favorite game, ever! And the very first computer game I ever played.
    On a “portable” computer my Dad would bring home from GA Tech. The thing weighed a ton, and after you flipped down the keyboard, there was a tiny screen (maybe 5×5?) next to the port where you pushed your telephone handset into the box!
    Ahh.. for the halcyon days of our youth.. . Or something that’s not George Bush’s America, anyway.

  100. > ELECT BROTHER PRESIDENT

    You can’t do that yet. Your term is not over.

    > STACK SUPREME COURT.

    You stack the supreme court.

    > HIDE UNTIL TERM OVER.

    You hide.

    > ELECT BROTHER PRESIDENT

    Supreme Court stops recount in Iowa and your brother is elected President of the United States. Welcome to the next eight years.

  101. so funny and so sad at the same time

    matthew baldwin, you are a brilliant man

    have i told you lately how much i love you? i dont think i have, although i say it on my blog all the time

  102. Absolutely smile-of-the-month. Outstanding post!

  103. When is the trade secret technology to China for money (votes), ignore Osama, and BOINK the intern version of this adventure released.

  104. Hey Jerry 2006.01.18 03:11,

    I was just watching a rerun Saturday Night Live from the mid-90′s the other day, and there was a sketch on about horrible (no joke) Osama bin Laden.

    So let’s see… the country knew about bin Laden, Clinton-admin anti-terrorism people were working on bin Laden, Clinton tried to bomb bin Laden… and GW Bush didn’t know about bin Laden, didn’t know he was a threat?

    Which is worse, boinking an intern or conducting thousands of illegal wiretaps on innocent Americans? Are either worthy of impeachment?

  105. say “plugh”

    say “plugh”!

    damn. that’s what I was afraid of.

  106. SpaceQuest! Bush is about as good as a Tandy.

  107. Fantastic stuff. Well done sir!

  108. this is absolutely smashing stuff… a definite gem in the blog universe :)

    great job!!

  109. KILL THIEF

    Kill yourself? Very well, then…

    ***You have died***

  110. Friggin’ HI_LA_RI_OUS!

    I played the original “Zork” in 1982, on a TRS-80 Model III while I worked at Radio Shack.

    I was permanent Grue- Chow!

    “Bar…bar…”

  111. Matthew.

    Thank you.

  112. Oh, the memories this brings back…. Where’s the Pirate? Wandering around in the dark looking for batteries…. yup, I’m qualified to be President, too!

  113. yawn

  114. >Invade every blog with Presidential game
    Boing boing invaded. NSA is watching you.

  115. I can’t even begin to say how brilliant this post is. You gave the whole story!

    “I do not know what you mean by ‘victory.’”

  116. Oh, this is just beautiful. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

  117. i laughed heartily and kidney-ily.

  118. I spent many an hour playing Zork on a Kaypro CP/M machine that I still have out in my garage, AND it still works!

    I never did solve the whole thing! But looks like Bush didn’t either! That was a great read!

  119. You nailed it!

    Classic.

  120. We need more grass-roots Activision in this country.

    If you like satirical adventure games, on my site there’s a free game for Windows called “Ready” that I created a few years ago. All the graphics are made from the familiar bewildering diagrams of ready.gov.

  121. This is absolutely inspired. I love it to bits.

    [round of applause]

  122. Excellent stuff. I want to suggest a witty addendum but my mind’s not up to it. Thanks for a good laugh.

  123. Mr. Yeti:

    I didn’t find this post funny: I found it poignent. I think those people who are laughing fail to see this for what it is: a scathing idictment of the worst national leader we’ve seen in 60 years.

    This would be very funny if it weren’t so true.

  124. The people who think this is other than a rather funny, clever spoof are rather sad. I mean, like thinking it is true, my gawd.

    Missed these.

    >FILL CLINTONS SHOES
    with what ?

    >LOOK UNDER DESK
    you see an old shoe, three pieces of note paper,and a snazzy little blue number, apparently slightly marked.

  125. I agree with the previous poster:
    It seems silly to me that “a scathing idictment” is met with a majority of responces referencing TV and movie shows, while some Fascist wingnut goes unchecked. Speaking of checked, I think GW just checked out all of our bank balances, tax returns and long distance phone calls !

  126. If you thing it looks bad from the eyes of a US citizen, think again: from Europe, it’s Orwells 1984 Live, only about twenty years late.
    The similarities are so mesmerizing that – from what little I can say about other peoples opinions – most of the world outside the US was left speachless when His Majesty The Cowboy Of The 21st Century was reelected for president and commander of the biggest military force in the world.
    For those somehow missing the similarities between 1984. and today’s USA, a couple of hints:
    - what does the US Department of *Defense* mostly concern itself with the last couple of years?
    - how have civil rights changed in the US in the last several years?
    - what about fear? Is fear of the “enemies of the US” a noticable element of american life now?
    - which station broadcasts the “Two Minutes of Hate”? CNN? ABC? Most of them? Two minutes per day or more?

    …and so on.

  127. megakudos

  128. Brilliant – so true to form. You showed a real knowledge of both the genre and the past six years!

  129. This post rocks… the scary part is that it is all too accurate.

  130. This is fantastic!

  131. Amazing how so many righties who don’t want to own up to this are trying to dismiss it. Why can’t they be eaten by a Grue?

    Those of us who used to play those maddening text adventures appreciate this on multiple levels.

  132. I’m throwing out my Bible and replacing it with this. It may be mankind’s greatest achievement to date. Screw the Polio Vaccine and Renaissance!

  133. OMG, this is FUNNY AS HELL. I laughed till I cried.

  134. Excellent.

    I did not know the Z-Code engine could handle prompted questions (such as the user typing “HALLIBURTON” as a response to the question caused by “GIVE CONTRACTS”. I thought you had to retype “GIVE CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON”.

    But still, quite fun.

  135. Brilliant. Someone on another forum suggested this addition:

    > GET WMD
    I don’t see that here!

    > LEAVE IRAQ
    You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

    > LEAVE IRAQ
    You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same.

    > LEAVE IRAQ
    You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same. You hear a rustling in the shadows…

  136. Somebody upthread asked if there were any radical right-winger Zork players.
    Hi.
    And I thought it was bril-freaking-yent. BRAVO!

  137. YOU ARE NOW MY GOD

  138. Great stuff, very funny. But couldn’t you have put some Hurricane Katrina stuff in there as well? Or some grues…

  139. This is BEAUTIFUL. A real tribute to the ZORK games!

  140. >liberate Iraq
    “The Press reports you hate black people”

    >remove Saddam
    “The press reports you eat children”

    >stop press
    “The press reports you violated their civil rights”

    >WHA?
    “ACLU sues you for violating the right of the press to lie to the american people”

    >explain point of view
    “You cant hate black people with that”

  141. That is some CLEVER shit. Thank you for keeping the Internet a safe place for intelligent people.

  142. I was surprised by lack of a grue too!

    But we all have our demons. ;)

  143. This… is absolute genius. The comments are gems. Cheers, all!

  144. Had Gore been in office, the game would have gone something like this:

    > TELL LIE
    You tell the children about how Love Canal was about you and how the internet was your vision.

    In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

    > SURRENDER
    You surrender America to the terrorists.

    > SCORE
    0

    > CUT AND RUN
    Game Over

  145. >BUTCHERER THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
    You’ve already done that.

  146. Yea verify, where *is* a grue when you need one? But I’ll be linking to this post-haste. A couple more additions…

    > START DRINKING AGAIN
    You start drinking.
    Nothing changes, but thingsh are a little blurryish.

    > START SNORTING COKE AGAIN
    You start snorting coke.
    Nothing changes, but you don’t care anymore.

  147. i don’t know what a zork is, but i know that bush is a douche and someone should do something to “take care” of him, if y’all know what I mean…

  148. Truely Brilliant.

  149. Brilliant.

  150. That was a beautiful piece my friend. Funny as hell too.

    That whole mid section was f**king beautiful!!!!
    It’s rare when one makes me laugh out loud like that!

  151. Hilarious! But yes, lacking a grue.

    Also, the bit about contracts needs to be changed a bit – the parser was never that smart about context. Instead of:

    > GIVE CONTRACTS

    > HALLIBURTON

    > NO-BID

    It needs to be:

    > GIVE CONTRACTS

    > GIVE CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON

    > GIVE NO-BID CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON

  152. Absolutely inspired! Holy shit, I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt now. The bit about go-left for elections is brilliant. Didn’t think anyone else noticed. :/ Almost as funny is all the posters that know mudd, dungeon, adventure, etc… What a great crowd.

    Best fishes to all!

  153. >READ BOOK
    >You can’t read that!

    >HOLD BOOK RIGHT WAY UP
    >You read “My Pet Goat”

    ….

    This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I laughed till I cried, then couldn’t explain to my non-MUDding workmates what I was reading that was so funny…

  154. Did Michael Moore’s writing team post this? Sure seems familiar….hmmmm, oh yeah! Fahrenheit something, something, almost verbatim.

    Very original.

  155. >IGNORE REALITY

    >You happily give up your freedoms to fight the freedom-hating terrorists who will take away your freedoms. Who minds wiretaps if you have nothing to hide?

    >DEFLECT TRUTH

    >You make fun of Michael Moore. He’s fat! Get it! Cause he weighs a lot!

  156. Bloody brilliant!!

  157. Hysterical!

  158. >REGURGITATE MINDLESS PROTO-COMMIE TALKING POINTS

    >You have regurgitated mindless proto-commie talking points.

    >DRIVE HOME IN YOUR SUV

    >You drive to your lilly-white, privileged home in your suv (aren’t you ashamed?)

    >SELL HALIBURTON STOCK

    >You don’t own any Haliburton stock, but you wish you did.

    ————————————————-

    It was pretty funny though.

  159. Fscking brilliant!!!

  160. I usually don’t laugh when I’m alone. But this was hilarious.

  161. Yes, I literally Laughed Out Loud
    Thank you.
    Do you know my friend the Rosetta Yeti? He was named for a Japanese Magic: The Gathering card and we put out an EP in high school when I was known as the Liquid Ward

  162. Matthew, I just wanted to tell you that, even as we speak, my wife is ROFLHAO. This is brilliant stuff, my friend. But I hope you don’t have to write a similar piece in four years for Jeb!

  163. Having been Grue stew many times, this is a real treat. Unfortunately, this will cause me to fire up the ol’ z-machine and waste countless hours looking for my stolen belongings and trying to escape untimely ends.

  164. Brilliant! Are you really American?

  165. Genius, pure genius :)

  166. yeah yeah yeah na na na

  167. Amazing!!!!!!

  168. Holy macaroni, this is good stuff.

  169. oso ona egitan
    izugarri gustatu zait

  170. classic! roflmao

  171. a sad story but a great text adventure
    *applaud

  172. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. On second thoughts it would be funny if it weren’t also true.

  173. This is probably my favorite blog post ever. Funny, funny stuff.

  174. lets have sex?

    ps- good post.

  175. I have read this about six times. I still laugh.

    Bravissimo.

    > PET SEAL
    It’s not that kind of seal.

    LOVE THAT.

  176. It is as I have long suspected: you sir, are a genius. A snarky, wonderful genius.

  177. > CAST TALK RADIO RETORTUS
    “Clinton was an adulterer! Gore thinks he invented the internet! Why do you hate America?!”

    Your attack misses the blog satire!

  178. Classic. Simply classic. 8-D

    And now, a bipartisan addendum!

    Left-wing:

    > FUCK
    Whom do you wish to fuck?

    > AMERICA
    You have now fucked America.

    Right-wing:

    > FUCK
    Whom do you wish to fuck?

    > INTERN
    You are unable to fill Clinton’s shoes.

  179. Nice job.

  180. Lol @ Stupid Commies.

  181. For those posters who’ve said that the parser was never smart enough for one-word answers to questions, e.g.

    >GIVE CONTRACTS
    Whom do you wish to give the contracts to?

    >Halliburton

    …etc.

    You’re half right. The parser in the Zork trilogy wasn’t that advanced, but later Infocom games such as Enchanter or Infidel had that capability.

    Anyway – I’m no Yeti, but here’s my concept of the Katrina chapter in the Interactive Affliction story…

    >TAKE VACATION
    You visit your ranch in Crawford for two weeks. You cheerfully pass the time cycling with Lance Armstrong, clearing brush, and wearing a cowboy hat.

    Cindy Sheehan is here.

    >Z
    Time passes…
    You take two more weeks at your Crawford ranch. It’s so relaxing, you manage to ignore the racket a couple of miles down the road.

    Some war protestors arrive.

    Cindy Sheehan is here.
    A group of protestors is here.

    >Z

    Time passes…

    You enter your fifth week of vacation, eating some cowboy food. The weather in the Gulf Coast is getting fierce, but it doesn’t concern you because the gulf in question isn’t the Persian Gulf. Virtually everyone in New Orleans or in the weather industry predicts the breach of the levies in New Orleans.

    Cindy Sheehan is here.
    A group of protestors is here.

    An aide timidly suggests that you pay some attention to the Hurricate Katrina situation, then hurries away to update his resume.

    >FIRE AIDE
    Too late; he saw this coming.

    >GO TO ARIZONA
    Air Force One gets you safely and reliably to Arizona, amidst calm weather whilst Louisiana is battered by Hurricane Katrina.

    >HELP SENIORS
    Come on, be serious.

    >PITCH MEDICARE
    You carefully give the appearance of showing concern for senior citizens by pitching your Medicare plan in front of a group of hand-picked old people, the only kind of people with whom you dare appear.

    The New Orleans levies break, flooding most of the city.

    >GO TO SAN DIEGO
    You go even further from the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast. Who could blame you for that, right?

    Country singer Mark Wills is here. He is offering you a guitar.

    >TAKE GUITAR
    You accept the guitar, proving (as far as you’re concerned) that you’re in touch with heartland America.

    The American public is wondering why the Federal Government hasn’t done anything about the people. Jokes about you begin circulating on the Internet. Well, okay, jokes about you and THIS topic.

    >MAKE PUBLIC APPEARANCE
    You go on Good Morning America, with an opportunity to accept responsibility for your mistakes, faults, and inappropriate decisions which are beginning to send your approval rating into a tailspin.

    >DENY REALITY
    … or, you could just go with what you know. You claim that nobody anticipated the breach of the levies. Because you are the President, some people believe you. None of these people live in New Orleans.

  182. This is not funny I like bush

    – vampyra ( dkt65@yahoo.com )

  183. What do you mean “this is not funny?” What about Bush is there to like? He’s an arrogant, ignorant, incompetant extremist. His ass needs to be impeached, along with Dick(head). I wish this was all a bad dream, but alas, it is not.

    Anyway, good job, very funny.

  184. F*cking total work of genius….

    SALUTE THE GUY WHO WROTE THIS
    You salute the guy who wrote this. But what has that accomplished?

  185. Pretty funny, but unfortunately I have to send a hit crew to kill you. I can’t have people treding on my good name (cough) .

    regards,

    George W. Bush

  186. Genuis! But Brian… don’t terrify me!

  187. >VISIT NEW ORLEANS
    You go to New Orleans.

    >GO FISHING
    You catch a drown black person.

  188. Finally, I find a clever joke from the disillusioned left. I have to admit, I support our President, and am not infatuated with Clinton as the author seems to be (the left just can’t let him go) but I did find it humorous. Keep up the humor and maybe the left isn’t all but lost as a positive force in society. Maybe Hillary will be the next President and maybe Bill will get another intern for our amusement all over again. :-)

  189. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..YOU SUCK!

  190. Thom:

    Of course the left is witty and clever. Think about it. You can count the rightwing people in creative pursuits on two hands — on one, if you count only those with talent.

  191. get a new job

  192. Yeti, just to clarify. The person who signed as Your Mom is not really your mother. I am. And shame on them for not being honest. Nobody else gets to claim the honor of being your mother except me.

  193. P.S. Just for future reference, if I think you suck or anything else negative, I will tell you to your face. Not cowardly through some comments on a blog!

  194. yall might want ot listen to to the smart sounding guy up there. Macolm X once said “the only reason that the white establishment deals with martion lurther king jr. is that way the don’t have to deal with me”. I have a lot more guns than Malcom

  195. Note to Thom: The LEFT Can’t seem to let clinton go? Look at some fo the comments from people bitter about thsi post — they try to throw Clinton’s name into things and pass responsibility.

    At any rate, Matt? This was Yeti’s best post, dude… You ought to print this thing out for the Squirelly to read and never understand in the future. “You actually had games based only on text? How the hell did you survive?”

  196. There are no grues visible.
    That is because the only grue there is the player. *rofl*

  197. just great!

  198. I dont even understand what this web page is about…

    R2K

  199. Dude, I am at WORK. People kept looking at me askance as I laughed my ass off. This is the first post of yours I’ve had the privilege of reading, so I’m heading off to the archives now!

  200. i was led here by someone confessing to loving someone she’d never met, and now, i fear i may have to kill her so i can have you for myself…
    walk good.

  201. Democrats can play too! Read on…

    Bush elected president.

    > CONTEST ELECTION
    Election contested. You still lost.

    > CONTEST ELECTION
    You demand a recount to capture the undervotes in only a few select heavily Democratic counties.

    Recount taken. You still lost.

    > CONTEST ELECTION
    The case makes it all the way to the Supreme Court. The Supremes rule almost unanimously (7-2) that its absurd for you to cherry pick the recount counties. You still lost.

    Bush inherits recession from predecessor’s overtaxing and overregulating economic policies. Bush enacts needed tax cuts to jumpstart economy out of recession.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You scream about tax cuts that will only help the rich.

    Bush tax cuts result in one of the shortest duration recessions in our history.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You demand to know where the jobs are.

    Bush’s tax cuts result in several sustained quarters of significant job creation, along with welcome advances in just about every economic indicator there is, all this despite a national tragedy, recession, and war.

    Sept. 11 happens.

    > STOP CRITICIZING BUSH
    You go silent for about 15 seconds.

    Bush finally decides to confront one of history’s most brutal and aggressive dictators, knowing that we can no longer ignore his documented support of international terrorism and his repeated pursuit and use of WMD.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You scream that Bush fixation about Iraq is distracting him from Al Qaeda.

    The Mainstream Media splashes about Bush’s aggressive approach to Al Qaeda, including imprisonment of Al Qaeda abroad and thorough hunt for Al Qaeda at home.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You demand his impeachment.

    Throughout the Iraq crisis, Bush chooses to ignore a docile, corrupt and increasingly-irrelevant European continent.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You scream about Bush’s go-it-alone strategy.

    Iran reveals itself as an increasing threat that must be confronted. Bush lets the Europeans take the lead on this one.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    You scream about outsourcing our foreign policy and demand immediate, unilateral action.

    > CRITICIZE BUSH
    A weary American public tired of the party of “No”, which they perceive as bereft of constructive ideas, soft on terrorism, wishy washy on everything, guilty of treason, and engaged in politically motivated character assassination, hands the GOP a super majority of seats in the House and Senate.

    For the next two years, Bush is absolutely unstoppable. You lose.

  202. Hey Z,

    do you mind to do the perspective of a typical iraqi, too?

    you are a sunni living close to bagdad. its summer 2001. saddam husseins reigns iraq. united nations sanctions make it hard to buy drugs, food and everything technical. this has to come to an end soon. what will you do next?

    > SEARCH WMD

    found none.

    > SEARCH WMD

    still none.
    sep 11 occurs. some crazy guys from saudi arabia, morocco, egypt and other countries are hijacking aeroplanes and crash them into the twin towers and the pentagon.
    bush alleges iraqi dictator saddam hussein to be responsible for everything bad in the world, since he’s part of the ‘axis of evil’.
    usama bin ladin turns out to be the mad man behind 9/11. your children suffer, lacking food. what will you do next?

    > BUY DRUGS AND FOOD

    not available

    > BUY FOOD

    yer not a related of mr. hussein

    > BUY DRUGS

    yer still not mr. husseins related
    george w. bush wants to find wmd in iraq.
    saddam hussein is re-elected as president ‘florida style’. one of your three children dies of starving. what will you do next?

    [to be continued]

  203. You don’t have to hate Bush to find this funny — or to admire the amount of thought that went into writing it. As usual, your cleverness amazes me, Matthew! (FWIW, the most priceless parts for me were the repeated attempts to INVADE IRAQ. :)

  204. The most entertaining part of intelligent political satire has to be the long list of diatribes that follow.

    Flame On!

  205. coool

  206. I voted for Bush; twice. I am a Republican. I thought Matthew’s post was funny as hell.

    For those of you that are interested, these “text games” are still being made by a small internet community. They are on par with (and at times, exceed) the original ones created in the 80′s.

    See http://baf.wurb.com/if/ for more info.

  207. Clever, and nicely done. I especially liked the “…is here.” bits for the various LEFT / RIGHT actions. And the return to center for elections – nice touch.

  208. Funniest thing I’ve read in a while…well, it was, until I read the flames from some of the commenters. Those were pretty hilarious.

  209. I passed this around to some guys in the office and heard laughter for the next 15 minutes. They educated me on the “Zork, Zorb” (whatever it’s called) game that was played on the Com 64. That was before my computer geekness emerged. But anyway, great post. Funnier than hell if you consider hell a funny place like I do.

    Love your site!

  210. Oh man, I used to play Adventure on all kinds of machines (never a Commodore 64, though). This was absolutely brilliant. I know you missed a few classic Adventure events such as PLUGH and an oil field the size of a plover’s egg and some twisty passages, but so what? You hit all the low points (because there aren’t any high points) in the Bush Regime. Extremely well done and thank you!

    PS that entry from “Z” on January 21st at 3:28 PM with the so-not-funny-it’s-unintentionally-funny parody from the right was one of yours too, no? I mean, no one is that tone deaf, are they? I mean, no one except W.

  211. >Stupendous.
    It truly is a work of commentary genius.

    >Thank you.
    No; thank you!

    >Please; thank you.
    Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.

  212. Umm, Z – as far as I can tell, I’m part of the American public, and I don’t share the views you depict. In fact, I wouldn’t be anywhere NEAR as angry at Bush and the toadies he surrounds himself with if (and this is my biggest thorn, but by no means the only one) he’d gone after the man who DID murder three thousand Americans instead of a guy who wants to but didn’t.

  213. “As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner”

    This is the first place I LOL. Beautifly done.

  214. > EAT PRETZEL.
    I don’t think the pretzel would agree with you.

    (moving on in that vein….)

    > RIDE SEGWAY.
    You fall off the Segway.

    > CARRY DOG.
    You drop the dog on the ground.

    > VISIT LETTERMAN.
    You’re caught cleaning your glasses on a “Late Show” staff member’s pashmina during a commercial break.

    > VISIT CHINA.
    You make a stirring speech.

    > LEAVE CHINA.
    You can’t get the door open.

  215. Brilliant!

  216. Love it!

  217. I guess you all need something to talk about since you can’t come to grips with the fact that you LOST THE ELECTION. Democrat = Bitter!

    C’mon, try to remember that sick feeling you had when they announced Kerry (and his idiotic and very psycho wife) as the LOSER(s)!

  218. The first time I saw the SCORE command I figured there would be some response about an intern…

    Then I realized that is only if it were about a Democrat.

  219. LMAO funny, just LMAO

  220. Uh… I hope all of you talking about MUDs know that Zork isn’t a MUD… it’s quite single player actually.

  221. Why is it that the republicans on this board are more bitter than the democrats? They own the country right now (Exec, Legislative and Judicial branches), have an opposition that just rolls over for just about everything and a media that couldn’t find their ass with two hands and a flashlight. Is this sore-winner syndrome?

    Further, Z, read your history. I don’t think democrats are perfect by any stretch, and I could list a ton of things they’ve done wrong just like the repubs have. Politics is slimey. But note that the Republicans, instead of simply alllowing a state-wide recount (did they know they would lose?), forced a fight in each and every county. Did the Democrats only choose to fight where they thought they would pick up votes? Yes. Duh. Democracy in America died the day the Republicans refused to allow every vote to count…out of fear of fraud, out of fear of deceipt and out of fear that they’d lose.

  222. Absolutely sweet!

    Let the critics and trolls wallow in their maze of twisty passages all alike. As we all know, whining about the mazes won’t get you out :-)

    Absolutely inspired!

  223. Is there an actual working flash version of this? Like if you type it in, you can just type in the words and voyl-ah, the next prompt comes up.

  224. I must say, Z’s comments share a remarkable resemblance to standard republican propaganda. How unfortunate that he couldn’t be more clever than a lucasarts game.

  225. Laugh of the week! Thank you!
    And thank you intelligent posters. some good follow-up on both sides of the fence

  226. Bloody briliant! I’d be having flash backs to my Zork playing youth if I wasn’t to busy having nightmares that that’s how he really runs the show.

  227. Yaanu. there is no actual game for this, in Flash or otherwise. However, there are tools available free on the web to *make* one, for someone with enough free time. Do a web search on Interactive Fiction.

    Tin – this isn’t about Democrats simply being bitter. I’m an independent, and yes, I WAS pissed when Bush got reelected. It’s not because he’s the opposition party, because there IS no party opposed to an independent – it’s about having slogged through four years of a presidency which is hard to decide if it is more corrupt or more incompetent, and then seeing that we have to put up with four *more* years of it. Unless, of course, the American public comes to its collective senses and the agenda-bearing retard in the Oval Office gets impeached.

    If you want a list of things that Bush has done poorly, I can provide you with one. It far outweighs what he’s done well. But as long as there are people who treat politics like their religion – and people on both sides do this – then we will continue to see the indefensible being defended, and morons in office (again, on both sides) will have a scrap of leverage they can use to *stay* in office, continuing to do damage to our country and to the rest of the world.

  228. Very funny, Thanks!

  229. Post. Of. The. Decade.

    Thanks for that…

  230. Very good! Geeks have votes too (I hope)!

  231. quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever read….

  232. Wonderful.

  233. WOW. That is totally brilliant! I am sharing this link with everyone I know.

  234. And we are still in a maze of twisty, winding passages all alike.

    Best post EVER!

  235. Simply excellent. A real-time text adventure today :D. Is there a sequel maybe? :D

  236. Now, in the style of Moonmist…


    Start, Restore, Quit?

    >START

    “Welcome to Defective Yeti! You are about to enter the Iraqi Misadventure Text Page. Which political orientation do you most favor: (d/r?)”

    >D

    “Ah, I see you are of the Democratic side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!”

    >READ BLOG

    It is a hilarious, biting critique of the incompetencies of the Bush administration, recast in the nostalgic style of the old Zork-type text adventure games.

    >LAUGH OUT LOUD

    You are very amused!

    >LEAVE COMMENT

    What kind of comment do you want to leave?

    >LOL, WELL DONE, VERY FUNNY, YOU DA MAN

    You compliment the author.

    >READ COMMENTS

    Many of the comments are the same as yours. However, there appear to be a number of fulminating flamers who have missed the point.

    >REFUTE COMMENTS

    Which comments do you want to refute, the complimentary comments or the flaming comments?

    >FLAME

    You refute the flaming comments.

    The tone of the conversation has deteriorated.

    >QUIT

    Your mood ruined, you leave the game.


    Start, Restore, Quit?

    >START

    “Welcome to Defective Yeti! You are about to enter the Iraqi Misadventure Text Page. Which political orientation do you most favor: (d/r?)”

    >R

    “Ah, I see you are of the Republican side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!”

    >READ BLOG

    You read the blog. It seems to be full of hypocritical, neo-liberalist drivel.

    You are getting very angry.

    >MISS POINT

    Missed.

    >FLAME

    You leave a withering comment.

    Several other posters leave refutory replies. The tone of the conversation deteriorates.

    >CALL NAMES

    What sorts of names do you want to call?

    >COMMIE, PINKO, WHINER, TRAITOR, UN-AMERICAN

    You have vented your vitriol.

    The tone of the conversation continues to deteriorate.

    >QUIT

    Good riddance!

  237. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  238. “> WEAR FLIGHTSUIT
    You put on the flightsuit.

    > SAY “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED”
    “Mission accomplished.”

    > EXAMINE MISSION
    The mission is not accomplished.”

    That and the ending are my favorite parts XDDDD You’re a very talented person.

  239. This link was posted to nashville.general and is getting rave reviews there. Excellent work!

  240. Laugh out loud funny–and disturbing at the same time. Historically, tyrants and dictators have trembled at satire and parody; if I may quote from the Screwtape Letters, “The Devil, that Prideful Spirit…cannot bear to be mocked.” You’re in great company, Matthew.

    But you could’ve used a couple more bits. Especially since it definately needs a grue so here you go:

    >ADD GRUE
    What do you want to add a grue to?
    >SATIRE
    Grue added.

    Enjoy!
    Sunder

    ********************

    > EXAMINE DESK
    It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers. There is a report stamped URGENT and titled, “New Data on Terrorism Threat Posed by Al-Qada” here.

    Behind the desk is a chair. In the chair is a lapdog.

    In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

    > EAT PRETZEL.
    I don’t think the pretzel would agree with you.

    > PET LAPDOG
    Condoleeza Rice is not that type of lapdog. But she does agree with you.

    >GIVE REPORT TO RICE
    Given.

    Rice says, “This report is by Clinton. I’ll read it sometime in October 2001.”

    > INVADE IRAQ
    You are not able to do that, yet.

    ********************

    > GO RIGHT
    Radical Right
    Rick Santorum is here.
    Ann Coulter is here.

    > STAY COURSE
    The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

    Some insurgents arrive.
    There is a large number of insurgents here.

    > STAY COURSE
    The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

    > TOUR COUNTRY
    What country do you want to tour?

    > AMERICA
    You tour America. There are some American citizens holding up signs here.

    > AVOID CITIZENS
    To avoid the citizens, you will have to stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

    > AVOID CITIZENS
    Citizens avoided.

    >TOUR AMERICA
    You tour America. There are some American citizens requesting a town hall meeting here.

    >SCREEN CITIZENS
    What do you want to screen the citizens for?

    >UNCOMFORTABLE FACTS
    If you screen out the citizens with uncomfortable facts, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

    >SCREEN CITIZENS
    Citizens with facts that you would find uncomfortable have been screened out. You enjoy your town hall meeting.

    >TOUR AMERICA
    You tour America. There are some flag-draped coffins here.

    >AVOID COFFINS
    If you avoid the coffins, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

    >AVOID COFFINS
    You avoid the coffins. There is a grue here. It sees you and runs away screaming.

  241. Too funny, but quite appropriately sad because it is all too true.

  242. lol

  243. Absolutely brilliant! :D

  244. Man, that was singularly funny. Truly inspired. I definetly enjoyed the post.

    Some of those comments are just silly, though. Specifically the Neo-con types who are trolling this post for a reason that is absolutely beyond me. Certainly they must know that they’re not going to win anyone over to their side by posting what they did. Which leaves one option: they’re being obnoxious.

    I’m excluding the well-spoken dissent from this.

    Also-I listen to NPR, too, and I’m sorry, sometimes they’re just as blind as others. I love ‘em to death, but sometimes…gah! Anyway, Thanks for the giggle, mate. I appreciated it thoroughly.

    I would like to also slot in my surprise at the lack of Grue, but it was wonderful either way.

    Cheers!

  245. Bush had an excellent reason for continuing to read to the kids seven minutes after learning of terrorist attacks: he had pledged in his campaign not to leave the children behind.

  246. I think the people who are missing the grues are also missing an important point.

    >PICK UP POINT
    Which point do you want to pick up?

    >IMPORTANT POINT
    You pick up on the fact that GWB has an unlimited supply of grue repellent, no doubt manufactured by Halliburton. The lack of grues becomes clear.

    BTW, someone was working on a flash version of Hitchhiker’s Guide maybe a year ago.

  247. Wonderful! Thanks.

  248. If the question was whether any of the original Infocom classics were available in Flash, I misunderstood; I posted that the Iraqi Misadventure (the subject of this brilliant post) was not available. But yes, the original Zork trilogy can be played online in a Java-enabled browser, as can the original Hitchhiker’s game. Sorry, I don’t have links for either, and the ‘net filters at work won’t let me look them up… but if you search for Zork Java, you’re likely to find the one, and I think Hitchhiker’s is available via Douglas Adams’s site.

    Anyway – if I haven’t said it before – brilliant post. Loved it. :)

  249. This was fantastic! The one I was waiting for was

    “Run Government”
    You have neither the tools nor the expertise. That would have made it perfect for me.

  250. Thank you.

    Trolls: as a Democrat, I am not wholly upset that President Bush was elected in 2004. He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It’s his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq, his Medicare Plan D, his Hurricane Katrina response, his FEMA, his illegal spying program. He failed to privatize Social Security last year and he’s going to fail to privatize health care this year.

    Bush the Incompetent is instructive. What has Bush done competently?

  251. Y’know, I get really sick and tired of hearing people say that Gore claimed he invented the internet. It’s so easy to change one or two words in a quote when the original quote isn’t crazy enough to suit your opinion of somebody you dislike.

    Catches phrases sure run this country. It’d be nice if people would take the time to check out the FULL story.

    http://www.issues2000.org/askme/internet.htm

    Oh, and yeah, the Iraqi invasion text adventure was classic. ;) Bush really has “stayed the course.” Good for him!

  252. This is absolutely fantastic! Absolutely!!!

  253. Kudos to the author.

    Kudos to Woof, for pointing out the idiocies of tin.
    I get really bitter when people point out the bitterness of others when they themselves are more bitter than the people they are claiming to be bitter.

    That, and his brain is two sizes too small.

    See, now I’m bitter

  254. Wonderful! Sometimes I feel so dishartened by everything I see on TV and read in the papers. It dose a body good to see that I’m not alone. I hope to see you all in a Bush free feature!

    -Veritas

  255. hi my name is reece i like to lick poo it is really tasty hmmmm poo poo:P

  256. omg! ha this is funny! so true though cause well lets face it…hes an idiot..hence the goat story

  257. Oh, man! Priceless! :-D Where can you get more of this guy’s stuff?

  258. Great!!!!

  259. HAHAHA. I’m funny and post on the internet about how big an idiot that ‘Bush’ is. hahaha funny funny person yay.

    > POST ON THE INTERNET
    You are not able to do that with those limp wrists of yours.

  260. zeat

  261. > INVADE IRAQ
    You are not able to do that, yet.

    > EXTRADITE BIN LADEN
    You do not have an Extradition warrant. You must first make a formal request to the government of Afghanistan. The process can take 3 months to complete.

    > INVADE AFGHANISTAN
    Afghanistan
    You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

    > INVADE IRAQ
    You are not able to do that, yet.

  262. amazing. thank you.

  263. “as a Democrat, I … He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It’s his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq”

    These three comments show you really have open eyes and an true sense of understanding. Oh that’s right … democrats don’t have that. Not that republicans have much better tho.

    All this … just another example of wasted bandwidth!

  264. Brilliant post! I liked the content and comments both here.

  265. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you, Matthew.

    > IGNORE TROLLS
    Trolls ignored.

  266. Classic!

  267. Well done!

    FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it’s been made (legally) available for free download. There’s a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there’s a community of interactive fiction out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

  268. I think this is unfair and disrespectful.Mr Bush is President of the U.S.A and Leader of the Free World.

  269. You’re right, David. Nobody likes that stupid old first amendment anyway.

  270. Oh wow… that takes me back…

  271. Dead solid perfect! Look forward to Katrina Disaster Disaster, Social Security Crisis Crisis, and Warrantless Spying Misadventure. Meanwhile, I’d add this exchange to Iraq Misadventure:

    > TAKE ROAD TRIP

    You vacation on Crawford ranch for another month. Situation in Iraq deteriorates.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    You clear brush.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    There isn’t any more brush on your ranch.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    Cindy Sheehan arrives outside the compound.

    > DUCK AND COVER

    There’s no brush to cover you. And, why a duck?

    > FLY TO D.C. AND SIGN BILL TO SAVE TERI SCHIAVO

    You return to the White House and sign Schiavo bill. Courts continue to rule that she has no hope of recovery, and allow her feeding tube to be removed.

    > ATTACK GAY MARRIAGE

    Which one?

  272. Well done!

    FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it’s been made (legally) available for free download. There’s a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there’s a community of interactive fiction authors out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

  273. Thanks, Thrax, for posting that link. Like I said above – I’m not in a position to dig it up myself. :)

    Let me post a slightly less smarmy and (hopefully) slightly more effective reply to David.

    First – Bush is not really the “leader of the free world,” as you depict him. The rest of the free world didn’t elect him, and had no say in his obtaining the position he has; Bush therefore has no legal or moral right to determine the fate of anyone who isn’t a U.S. citizen. Not one single Englishman, for example – let alone the scores of thousands of Iraqis who’ve died since Bush *unlawfully* invaded their country, or even the remaining citizens, like the ones in Baghdad, more than half of whom still don’t have electricity for more than 8 hours a day (www.factcheck.org).

    The other point that bears mentioning – you appear to feel that, because Bush is the president, somehow he automatically deserves respect, perhaps even approval. This is fallacious. Just being the leader of the country doesn’t make you a capable person or a respectable one. There was a fellow named Adolf Hitler who was the leader of Germany until sometime in the 1940′s; he practiced genocide, killing thousands upon thousands of innocents because they weren’t members of “the master race.” He was a horrible man, yet he was in charge of a significant world power, not because he had good motivations, but because he had charisma sufficient to obtain and retain positions of leadership.

    Understand, I’m not equating Bush with Hitler – at least, not in this post – but I’m just making the point that having the position doesn’t automatically mean you SHOULD have it, or that you’re in any way qualified for it.

  274. I wish I was this intellegent!

  275. Hey it easy to be mean , but I trust Bush . It is better than the unresposable stupidity of Carter’s support for Hamas expecting they will love us some day, when they would have our heads in a platter if they could.

  276. INVADE IRAQ
    The Democraps say we will lose.

    INVADE IRAQ
    The Democraps say we can’t beat Saddams army.

    INVADE IRAQ
    You have to get permission from the United Nations first.

    INVADE IRAQ
    The French don’t want us to.

    INVADE IRAQ
    You invade, destroy the enemy and find Saddam hiding like a roach in a hole.

    HOLD ELECTIONS
    For the first time in decades the Iraqi people were allowed to vote. Millions of Iraqis around the world stained their finger purple in order to exercise their U.S. given right to choose their leader.

    STAY COURSE
    Even though some people voted for the liberation before they voted against the liberation after they voted for the liberation, President Bush stays the course.

    IS THIS RIGHT?
    That depends on what your defination of is is.

  277. Absolutely brilliant.

  278. Good fun :) That’s certainly now things look on this side of the atlantic.