Xyzzy

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure
Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office
You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you.

There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall.

What do you want to do now?

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> LOOK MIRROR
Self-reflection is not your strong suit.

> PET SEAL
It's not that kind of seal.

> EXAMINE CHAIRS
They are several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.

> FILL SHOES
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

> EXAMINE DESK
It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

> EAT PRETZEL.
I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
You are on the far right of the political spectrum.
Jesse Helms is here.
John Ashcroft is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
You are on the extreme right of the political spectrum.
Dick Cheney is here.
Pat Robertson is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> TAKE VACATION
Taken.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 58% out of a possible 100%.

> GO PHOTOOP
Photo Op
You are at a the Emma T. Booker Elementary School, along with a gaggle of obsequious members of the mainstream media.
There is a book here.
There are some children here.

> READ BOOK
You read "My Pet Goat."

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> GO HOME
You fly around aimlessly for a while, then return to the White House.

Oval Office

> GIVE SPEECH
Who do you want to give the speech to?

> AMERICAN PEOPLE
You give the speech to the American people.

> DIAGNOSIS
Your favorablity rating is 84% out of a possible 100%.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE AFGHANISTAN
Afghanistan
You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
(Leaving Afghanistan first.)
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> FUCK
Such language in a high-class establishment like this!

> HYPE THREAT
"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

> MONGER FEAR
"Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud ..."

> MUDDY WATER
"We know that Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network share a common enemy -- the United States of America. We know that Iraq and al Qaeda have had high-level contacts that go back a decade. And we know that after September the 11th, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the terrorist attacks on America ..."

> PUNISH CRITICS
"Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an Agency operative on weapons of mass destruction ... "

> RAILROAD CONGRESS
You schedule a vote on the Iraq invasion for just before the 2002 midterm elections. As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner.

Your plan to invade Iraq now has the backing of the American people and Congress.

> INVADE IRAQ
Baghdad
You enter the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, having toppled the government and captured the nation's key cities in only 21 days. You can't seem to find the promised throngs of citizens greeting you as liberators, but the footage of the Saddam statue being pulled down looks great on Fox!

> GIVE CONTRACTS
Who do you want to give the contracts to?

> HALLIBURTON
What kind of contracts do you wish to give to Halliburton?

> NO-BID
You give the no-bid contracts to Halliburton.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> WEAR FLIGHTSUIT
You put on the flightsuit.

> SAY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"
"Mission accomplished."

> EXAMINE MISSION
The mission is not accomplished.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

Some insurgents arrive.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a small number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a moderate number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

An election year arrives.

> GO LEFT
Far-Right
Pat Buchanan is here.
Sean Hannity is here.

> GO LEFT
Compassionate Conservativism
You are right-of-center on the political spectrum.
John McCain is here.
Joseph Leiberman is here.

> GET REELECTED
You get reelected.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
Tom DeLay is here.
Michelle Malkin is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a huge number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is an overwhelming number of insurgents here.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 47% out of a possible 100%.

> ADMIT MISTAKES
You are unable to admit mistakes.

> ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
You are unable to accept responsibility.

> DECLARE VICTORY
I do not know what you mean by "victory."

> QUIT
Oh, how we wish you would.

278 thoughts on “Xyzzy

  1. Y’know, I get really sick and tired of hearing people say that Gore claimed he invented the internet. It’s so easy to change one or two words in a quote when the original quote isn’t crazy enough to suit your opinion of somebody you dislike.

    Catches phrases sure run this country. It’d be nice if people would take the time to check out the FULL story.

    http://www.issues2000.org/askme/internet.htm

    Oh, and yeah, the Iraqi invasion text adventure was classic. ;) Bush really has “stayed the course.” Good for him!

  2. Kudos to the author.

    Kudos to Woof, for pointing out the idiocies of tin.
    I get really bitter when people point out the bitterness of others when they themselves are more bitter than the people they are claiming to be bitter.

    That, and his brain is two sizes too small.

    See, now I’m bitter

  3. Wonderful! Sometimes I feel so dishartened by everything I see on TV and read in the papers. It dose a body good to see that I’m not alone. I hope to see you all in a Bush free feature!

    -Veritas

  4. HAHAHA. I’m funny and post on the internet about how big an idiot that ‘Bush’ is. hahaha funny funny person yay.

    > POST ON THE INTERNET
    You are not able to do that with those limp wrists of yours.

  5. > INVADE IRAQ
    You are not able to do that, yet.

    > EXTRADITE BIN LADEN
    You do not have an Extradition warrant. You must first make a formal request to the government of Afghanistan. The process can take 3 months to complete.

    > INVADE AFGHANISTAN
    Afghanistan
    You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

    > INVADE IRAQ
    You are not able to do that, yet.

  6. “as a Democrat, I … He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It’s his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq”

    These three comments show you really have open eyes and an true sense of understanding. Oh that’s right … democrats don’t have that. Not that republicans have much better tho.

    All this … just another example of wasted bandwidth!

  7. Well done!

    FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it’s been made (legally) available for free download. There’s a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there’s a community of interactive fiction out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

  8. I think this is unfair and disrespectful.Mr Bush is President of the U.S.A and Leader of the Free World.

  9. Dead solid perfect! Look forward to Katrina Disaster Disaster, Social Security Crisis Crisis, and Warrantless Spying Misadventure. Meanwhile, I’d add this exchange to Iraq Misadventure:

    > TAKE ROAD TRIP

    You vacation on Crawford ranch for another month. Situation in Iraq deteriorates.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    You clear brush.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    There isn’t any more brush on your ranch.

    > CLEAR BRUSH

    Cindy Sheehan arrives outside the compound.

    > DUCK AND COVER

    There’s no brush to cover you. And, why a duck?

    > FLY TO D.C. AND SIGN BILL TO SAVE TERI SCHIAVO

    You return to the White House and sign Schiavo bill. Courts continue to rule that she has no hope of recovery, and allow her feeding tube to be removed.

    > ATTACK GAY MARRIAGE

    Which one?

  10. Well done!

    FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it’s been made (legally) available for free download. There’s a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there’s a community of interactive fiction authors out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

  11. Thanks, Thrax, for posting that link. Like I said above – I’m not in a position to dig it up myself. :)

    Let me post a slightly less smarmy and (hopefully) slightly more effective reply to David.

    First – Bush is not really the “leader of the free world,” as you depict him. The rest of the free world didn’t elect him, and had no say in his obtaining the position he has; Bush therefore has no legal or moral right to determine the fate of anyone who isn’t a U.S. citizen. Not one single Englishman, for example – let alone the scores of thousands of Iraqis who’ve died since Bush *unlawfully* invaded their country, or even the remaining citizens, like the ones in Baghdad, more than half of whom still don’t have electricity for more than 8 hours a day (www.factcheck.org).

    The other point that bears mentioning – you appear to feel that, because Bush is the president, somehow he automatically deserves respect, perhaps even approval. This is fallacious. Just being the leader of the country doesn’t make you a capable person or a respectable one. There was a fellow named Adolf Hitler who was the leader of Germany until sometime in the 1940’s; he practiced genocide, killing thousands upon thousands of innocents because they weren’t members of “the master race.” He was a horrible man, yet he was in charge of a significant world power, not because he had good motivations, but because he had charisma sufficient to obtain and retain positions of leadership.

    Understand, I’m not equating Bush with Hitler – at least, not in this post – but I’m just making the point that having the position doesn’t automatically mean you SHOULD have it, or that you’re in any way qualified for it.

  12. Hey it easy to be mean , but I trust Bush . It is better than the unresposable stupidity of Carter’s support for Hamas expecting they will love us some day, when they would have our heads in a platter if they could.

  13. INVADE IRAQ
    The Democraps say we will lose.

    INVADE IRAQ
    The Democraps say we can’t beat Saddams army.

    INVADE IRAQ
    You have to get permission from the United Nations first.

    INVADE IRAQ
    The French don’t want us to.

    INVADE IRAQ
    You invade, destroy the enemy and find Saddam hiding like a roach in a hole.

    HOLD ELECTIONS
    For the first time in decades the Iraqi people were allowed to vote. Millions of Iraqis around the world stained their finger purple in order to exercise their U.S. given right to choose their leader.

    STAY COURSE
    Even though some people voted for the liberation before they voted against the liberation after they voted for the liberation, President Bush stays the course.

    IS THIS RIGHT?
    That depends on what your defination of is is.

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