Hi there! My name is Matthew Baldwin, though longtime readers may remember me as The Guy Who Used To Update This Website Semi-Reliably.
How was I able to blog five days a week, what with all my other pressing obligations such as taking vitamins and wishing I was an fireman? Well, see, I once used the hours between The Squirrelly’s bedtime and my own to update the yeti, do a little freelance writing, maybe chip away at a book or two. It was a pretty good system, and one that served me well … until the Lost: Season One DVDs started arriving from NetFlix about two weeks ago. Goodbye, free time!
We are between discs at the moment. Hence the post. “Hence,” I say!
Let’s see, what else is going on? Oh yeah, guess what I got? It’s a sixth generation iPod Video, featuring two side-by-side screens that simultaneously display the same images but with key elements slightly offset, so when the viewer slightly crosses his eyes and focuses on an imaginary point 30 inches behind the screen, the two feeds merge into one, glorious, 3-D video!
No, I’m just kidding. What I actually have is a ganglion cyst. AWESOME!
(They are often just referred to as “ganglions,” but I thought long and hard about what which word would be the most unpleasant to suddenly encounter while reading an otherwise inoffensive blog entry, and as “cyst” was at the top of the list I made an extra effort to include it.)
Fortunately, ganglions are not one of those bad cysts, the kind that are harbingers of Something Really Bad or that indicate that a critter that is Not You has taken up residence in something that Is You. Instead it’s just a slightly tender lump on the back of my left hand where some joint lubrication fluids have accumulated. (Fun fact: This is my — and possibly the — first blog post ever including the phrase “joint lubrication fluids.”). I’m going to see my doctor about it later this week, but all the literature on ganglions basically say “oh quit crying you big baby — it’s pretty much harmless and will probably go away on its own.”
And if it doesn’t go away, I can always exorcise it using The Word of God. I don’t mean faith healing or anything — I mean that, in Ye Olde Olden Dayes of Yore, the typical cure for a ganglion was to hit it with a Bible. America’s healthcare costs would be a lot lower if more ailments could be cured in this manner:
Husband: Damnit, this runny nose just won’t stop.
Wife: I’ll get the Gideon
I don’t know if we’ve got a bible around the Baldwin household, but if this thing gets any bigger I may just have to get all Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix on its ass.
The worst thing about this ganglion is that it’s so small and innocuous that I’m having trouble getting people to sympathize. When I mentioned it to Torrez, for instance, his first reaction was to sing:
Because your cyst, your cyst, is on my wrist
Because your cyst, your cyst, I can’t resist …
Here some more things that have been occupying my otherwise-woulda-be-blogging moments:
- You know what’s a great blog? Poster Wire, a site completely dedicated to the deconstruction of movie posters. I love it because its focus seems like a topic that no one could expound upon for more than three minutes without becoming a crashing bore, and yet every post is fascinating. Likewise: Gluten-Free Girl.
- I’ve never played the Magic: The Gathering card game, but I recently downloaded Duels Of The Planeswalkers from The Underdogs and, despite the title having a few too many plurals, the game has pretty effectively hoovered up any crumbs of free time that Lost left behind.
- The Queen and I watched The Aristocrats, a documentary about the world’s dirtiest joke. The movie, like the titular joke, goes on and on and on, but it’s amazing that Penn Jillette was able to craft a 90 minute film about a single joke that mostly manages to keep the viewer laughing and interested. If you don’t know the Aristocrats joke — well, my first suggestion would be to rent this film. But if you’ve just got to know, you can hear one of the many tellings here. Warning: Only work safe if your office door is closed, the volume is turned all the way down, and no one in your place of business speaks English.
- Links! Yes, exactly. I haven’t even seen the movie and thought this was hilarious. Mesmerizing.