April 27th, 2006
People often complain that they don’t know what Democrats stand for. Thankfully, there is no such ambiguity regarding the Republicans. Today they again reminded the nation of the bedrock principle that their party was found upon: giving voters $100 each in an election year.
They are calling the swag “gas rebate checks,” because it’s supposedly to reimburse citizens for the high gasoline prices they have been subjected to over the last year. Never mind that subsidizing the purchase of gasoline will increase demand and lead to yet higher gas prices.
But there’s no obligation for the recipients of these checks to actually spend the cash on fuel. In fact, as near as I can tell there is no connection whatsoever between the money and gasoline prices — I presume that bicyclists will be getting the same amount as truckers — except that the checks will probably have the words “Republican sponsored gas rebate” in the “memo” field.
Frankly, I think Congress is missing an opportunity for a more targeted approach. What they should do is ask each American what he or she is most unhappy about, and then label the checks accordingly. There could be “gas rebate” checks and “cable rebate” checks and “dadgum Mexicans taking our jobs” checks and “dudes kissing dudes” checks. That way, Americans will know that Republicans care exactly $100 worth about whichever issue concerns them the most.
The whole thing would seem kind of silly if the government were just giving us back the money we paid in taxes; it would like a bank touting their generosity every time you withdrew your own money. How fortunate, then, that the United States has long since exhausted its cash on hand. Now the cost of funding the program will get tacked onto our already obscene national debt, and it will be the poor saps down the chronological line that will get stuck with the bill. In other words, it’s 100% completely free money!!
In fact, they should just call this the “Five Dollar Bill in the Birthday Card Preimbursement Program.” Here’s how it works. First, we give you $100 now. Then, after your grandchild is born, you include $5 in every card you send them on their birthday — iIf you stop sending them cards before they turn twenty, you get to keep all the extra money! Then your grandchild joins the workforce, gets burdened with astronomical taxes, and struggles to pay down the gargantuan debt we saddled him with. It’s like your adult grandchild is sending $100 back in time to you, who is then sending it forward in time to your adult grandchild’s younger self. How totally awesome is that? It’s pretty much exactly like The Terminator!
All in all I think the “giving voters $100 each in an election year” program this is the greatest things to come out of Washington since prohibition. It’s so clever that I can’t help but wonder where Republicans got the idea. Lord knows no one has ever given a Republican a bunch of “no strings attached” money in the hopes of influencing their vote.