I’m not much of a “car decal” kinda guy, but I thought up this one on my morning commute and could envision it on the back of my Corolla.
Many parents track the height of their child by having them stand next to a designated wall every year or so and making a hashmark just above their head.
I’d use this method, if I trusted myself to remember to do so every 12 months. Fortunately, I have figured out an alternative way to track The Squirrelly’s growth. Whenever I have him on my shoulders, walk through a doorway, and hear a “Twump!” from above, I just stop for a moment and jot the current date on the wall next to the frame.
Benchwarmers: “Aimed at second-graders and anyone else who thinks farts are still funny.”
Final Destination 3: “There’s nothing fresh or off-beat in Final Destination 3, no talent that is struggling to get out. The only thing struggling to get out was me from the theater.” — Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor
Stay Alive: “Stay Alive has none of the vicarious thrills of, say, ‘Konami: Silent Hill 2.’ It’s barely even Pong unplugged.” — Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE
Doogal: “It’d take more than potentially lethal amounts of alcohol to make this derivative trash endurable. ” — Nathan Rabin, THE ONION AV CLUB.
Basic Instinct 2: “The accidental comedy sensation of the year!” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE
I’ve received a number of requests for two-player game recommendations in the last few weeks. So here ya go, IntarWeb.
When we first interviewed this week’s subject, it confessed to feelings of low self-esteem and general dissatisfaction with its appearance, describing itself as “doughy,” “a big loaf,” and “day old.”
Fortunately, we knew just what to do. The dyXM team swung-or-possibly-swang into action, giving it an Xtreme Makeover it will never forget!
Warning: some of the following images are graphic in nature
First we put the subject under the knife, to trim away some of that excess bulk.
A vast improvement, I’m sure you’ll agree. Already the subject is looking good enough to eat.
Next we addressed the subject’s pasty complexion, placing between two heating coils to give it a rich, golden tan.
And then our team went to work with the cosmetics, first slathering the subject with a foundation to cover up imperfections.
And then applying some color, to ensure that it would stand out in a crowd.
And because a beauty is nothing without a wardrobe to match, we ditched that plain, uninspired and put it on something with a little more pizzazz!
Thanks for joining us on defective yeti’s Xtreme Makeover. Join us next week when we peel the years off our subject, giving it the youthful appearance of a baby.
I lost a pair of pants about two weeks ago. One day I had them, the next they were gone. I looked for them everywhere, but they were nowhere to be found.
Today The Queen walked out into the living room holding them. “Are these yours?” she asked. “They were in my drawer. I must have put them in there by mistake.”
Damn. I’d been holding out hope that a hazy memory about a J
The Queen and I subscribed to Cooking Light magazine last year. Great recipes, as long as you’re aware of the algorithm they use to encrypt them and can translate them back into Actual Cuisine. For those not in the know, here’s the secret: before you begin, run your finger down the list of ingredients and quintuple the amount of any foodstuff that you look forward to ingesting:
|Cooking Light amount||Actual Cuisine amount|
|2 tsp. butter||3 ½ tbsp. butter|
|1 tbsp. balsamic vinegar||1 tbsp. balsamic vinegar|
|1 endive, washed and torn||1 endive, washed and torn|
|1 egg white||3 eggs|
|¼ cup sugar||1 ¼ cups sugar|
|½ tsp. capers||½ tsp. capers|
|4 cups chopped chicken||2 chickens|
I stumbled across the secret one evening while making a recipe that called for “1/8 cup cheddar cheese,” a quantity as wildly improbable as “17 ounces of black pepper.” “One cup” is the fundamental, atomic unit of shredded cheese — did the editors of Cooking Light think we would not know this?
Another thing you need to increase by an order of magnitude is the recipies’ cooking time for anything that involves meat. Maybe the guys who write Cooking Light are all vegans and have to guestimate on matters of carnivory or something, but the directions are always, like
Add ginger, minced lemongrass, garlic to pan and saute until browned. Add soy sauce mixture, cook for 3 minutes on medium-high heat. Add raw chicken, cook for an additional 30 seconds stirring frequently, serve over rice.
I know that you are supposed to increase cooking times at high altitudes, so I can only assume that these recipes were field-tested by a race of svelte merfolk dwelling on the floor of the Pacific.
I will say that I have lost a considerable amount of weight using Cooking Light’s recipes. Eating undercooked pork three days a week will do that to a guy.