i don’t IM

W: what’s up?

Me: Nothing. What’s up with you?

W: oh i thought you were IMing me. I don’t IM.

Me: Well, aren’t you Mr. 19th Century?

Me: I shall contact you via telegram forthwith!

W: but as long as we’re chatting

W: do you wanna cheap tv stand?

Me: No.

W: the tv stand is free! I put it on craigslist. no takers.

Me: Try offering some free oral sex on craiglist. I bet that will get a response.

Me: Stipulate that they have to take the tv stand too, though

W: post: insatiable cocksucker offers multimedia furniture.

W: you know i have thought about becoming a gigolo. but I’m concerned about the health risks

Me: You mean the mental health risks of having people sing that David Lee Roth song EVERY FUCKING TIME you mention your profession?

W: tell me about it. that’s why i had to quit my job as a tambourine man

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