Captain Retcon

I’ve finally discovered my superpower. It wasn’t readily apparent, since it alters the entire space/time continuum every time it is activated and essentially erases all traces of its own existence. But I think I have its number.

Here’s how it works:

  1. I come up with a great idea;
  2. My power makes that thing a reality.

This would pretty much make me the most powerful man in the universe, were it not for one catch: my power assigns ownership of this fabulous thing I have conjured into existence to someone else. And it even goes so far as to alter history so that this thing, whatever it might be, has been around for some time.

I should have realized all this back when I came up with My Big Fat Geek Wedding, an idea so ingenious that it was inconceivable anyone could have thunk it up first. But I just dismissed that as a fluke. Recently, though, the evidence has been mounting. Last week, for instance, I witnessed a friend open a bottle of beer with his wedding ring. “That’s pretty cool,” I said. “But you know what would even cooler? If someone invented a ring with a bottleopener built into it. The cool part would be if the inventor was me, and I made a million dollars for doing it.”

And then, a few days later, I was at a stoplight in the middle of a bike ride, and happened to look down:

Okay, see: that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Every great idea of mine is retroactively invented.

Oh well. Even though I won’t personally profit, I guess I can still use my powers for good. For instance, here’s a great idea I just now thought up: three Star Wars prequel films that don’t totally suck.

Woohoo, I’m going to go rent them again now! This time they’re going to be awesome!!

Update: It appears that my powers do, in fact, have limits.