And You Shall Know Him By The Trail Of Stuffed

And We Shall Know Him By The Trail Of Dead

No parent wants to think that the choices they are making will result in their child someday going on a seven state killing spree. But a couple of our recent decisions have left The Queen and I wondering.

First, we got him toy at a garage sale which allows him to mix-and-match a variety of head, torso, and foot pieces to create custom teddy bears.

It seemed innocuous, and The Squirrelly really liked it. Indeed, it was all fun and games — until one morning when I woke up and, half conscious, staggered out into the living room to discover:

I used to think that cat vomit was the worst thing to encounter on my morning shuffle from bed to coffee maker, but now I’m going to have to put “pile of dismembered bears” on the top of the list. It appears that we inadvertently purchased the Fisher-Price Lil’ Psycho Training Kit. I guess I should have been suspicious when I noticed the label on the bottom of the box reading “STORE UNUSED BODY PARTS IN FREEZER!”

Also, we figured out an innovative way to hornswoggle The Squirrelly into learning manners. He was reluctant to use his spoon and fork for a long time, knowing that the quickest way to deliver applesauce to his gaping maw was to simply scoop it up by hand and shovel it in there. So once, about a year ago, I decided to make a game of it. I stood behind him as he sat in his chair, put a fork in his mitt, wrapped my hand around his so he couldn’t drop it, and guided the utensil to the bowl; when we skewered the target foodstuff I cried “stab!”

Oh man, did that go over well. He spent the rest of the meal enthusiastically forking his dinner, merrily shouting “Stab!” with each mouthful.

Unfortunately, he seems to have really taken to the phrase. Even now, while running wild around the house, he’ll occasionally shout “Stab! Stab stab!” at random.

So if you pick up the Seattle Times some morning and see:


LOCAL COUPLE STAB! STABBED! IN THEIR SLEEP

Bodies found pierced by dozens of brightly-colored, blunted, child-sized sporks.

Yeah, that’ll be us. In lieu of flowers, please send Bob The Builder DVDs.

Oh well, you needn’t be too worried. Even if he does take to a life of crime, odds are he’ll be inept at it. For instance, his recent attempt to put his stuffed kitty into a sleeperhold backfired:

Sleeper Hold on Kitty Backfires

Jump!  Jump!  Castle! | Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man | Camping Means Never Having To Brush Your Hair

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20 comments.

  1. I smiled all the way through this with an “in the know” nod to accompany it, but what really made me laugh was the picture of the little guy in his cot :D

    I may just have to dig out the old pic I have of my own squirrely sleeping “under” his cot, after a particularly taxing game of “hide and seek”, in which we failed to “seek” him.

  2. I see you’re already getting him used to sleeping behind bars. Well done!

    And premium, that’s a great tactic. We’ll have to try it sometime soon.

  3. So even behind bars he is still a threat to society? Quite scary! The very bottom middle picture looks like he is making a glitter bomb (the glitter acts as shrapnel, brilliant!) and in the bottom right he is either practicing his take-over of the world and subsequent degrading of all other people or he is practicing some kind of stranglehold… If the blog suddenly stops, we’ll know why.

  4. God, those poor Bears… looking so sad.

  5. Thanks for the Squirrelly update. He is really a handsome little fellow. So at least when he’s in jail for bear-dismemberment, he should be getting lots of letters from girls using Hello Kitty stationery.

  6. I love that picture. What a cutie!

  7. Wouldn’t that be dismemBEARment?

  8. I loved the title for this post. and also the last picture. he’ll beat the kitty some day.

  9. The Squirrelly stories are the best.

    You must be such a fun Dad… wanna be mine? Oh wait, that’s inappropriate. How about: can you share more?

  10. why does the cat look like it god blood all over it and wasnt cleaned to well?

  11. Reminded me of this (http://www.stabbastabba.com/index.php?st=040604) comic.

  12. Sweet! He’s going to be an awesome WWF wrestler!

  13. I love how you can see the fear, astonishment, and shock on the dismembered bear heads.

  14. Give the kid a bed! These are obviously symptoms of him going stir-crazy.

  15. Come talk to me when he says, “uh, dad, where’s the lighter fluid? And can I have a match?”

    Oh, and seriously, um, at least the toys are soft. Could have been a trail of legos for you to step on in a sleep deprived state and then fall to your death. :)

  16. Something is wrong with me. I love Matthew’s writing, and I have a 3yo of my own, so I feel a real connection with him. Despite the lucid prose and the context for a full appreciation, I laughed myself hoarse over the work “Spork” in it.

  17. You think that spork is funny, you should have seen it here on the UW-Madison campus when the Bob Kasten School of Driving, in an act of politcal protest (or so they claimed) stole all the new sporks from the cafeterias and buried them on Bascom Hill.

    Now THAT was a true student political party!

  18. HELL yeah — kitty got him PINNED!!

    >No parent wants to think that the choices they are making will result in their child someday going on a seven state killing spree.

  19. God I wish you had been my dad. My life of crime would have stood half a chance. Now it’s just lame. Thanks a lot.

  20. That kid is waaaayyy too huge to be in a crib. Wait for the day one of those feet or arms wedges it’s way thru the bars. You like screaming, right? Get that kid out of the crib!! Yowza. And just think…we’ll get more fun filled stories.