Ice, Ice baby

When a friend of mine saw that they were selling tiny yetis at Burger King, she thoughtfully picked one up for me.

(Let me take a moment, here, to interject a rather shocking announcement: I don’t give a rat’s ass about yetis. Or abominable snowmen. Or bigfoot. Or even Sasquatch, native to our region though they may be. Honestly, I just picked this site’s name out of the ether, not out of any love of or interest in cryptozoology. Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate it when you send me links to yeti ornaments or yeti flash games or yeti bicycles or yeti, the knowbot or yeti@home, but only because it’s nice to occasionally receive email that doesn’t have a forged paypal.com return address. If you guys keep giving me yeti stuff I’m going to eventually wind up like The Lady At The License Renewal Place Whose Cubicle Is Filled With Tigger-Related Paraphernalia. And nobody wants that.)

Anyway, I did what I do with all unwanted gifts: coated it in catnip and threw it at my kitties. But at some point The Squirrelly’s must have got a hold of it, because a few days later it resurfaced in his room.

If I’d known then what I know now, I never would have let this fall into the hands on an innocent child. Yesterday, while picking it up from the floor, I noticed for the first time that it had a tag on the back.

Star Wars?, thought I. There were no yetis in Star Wars. Only then did I realize the truth. This was no yeti, this was a Wampa Ice Creature, the creature that savagely attacked Luke Skywalker on the planet of Hoth, nearly killing the young Jedi and snuffing out the hopes of the fledgling rebellion.

My god, what are we teaching this generation of children? First we have the prequels, portraying Darth Vader as the kind of sensitive romantic more likely to join a boy band called “Ready 4 Cuddles” than the Sith, and now the Wampa Ice Creature is being recast as an adorable, pocket-size moppet? Where will it end? Grand Moff Tarkin getting named “#1 Grandpa?”

Why don’t we just tell them that the terrorists are the good guys and be done with it?

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18 comments.

  1. And don’t forget George Lucas thought Jar Jar was cute. Whereas we know he was really just rejected Sith spawn.

  2. I’ve always thought you should put your research day articles under the heading of “Detective Yeti”. With a picture of a yeti in a Sherlock Holmes hat.

  3. I’m totally going to photoshop a yeti in a Sherlock Holmes hat now.

  4. shit, didn’t your “friend” get you the entire set?

  5. But he’s so CUTE! And pocket sized. Anything can be forgiven with those two qualities.

  6. I would counter the pocket-sized cute argument with this: New from McDonalds: Collectible Thrid Reich Plushies! Collect them all:
    Eva Braun, Himmler, The Desert Fox and four different versions of the big man himself, Adolf!

    There! Cute and cuddly!

    The internet is satisfied I have sacrificed my dignity by posting a nazi reference.

    (Please note: nazi is not capitalized because I, to this day, still believe that TSR has the term Nazi copyrighted. =))

  7. You thought yetis had orange dildos in their ears? Now that’s just silly.

  8. So… if you don’t have a thing for mountain apes, why name your site defective yeti? Not that it isn’t a great name, but I’ve always been curious regarding its origin (especailly since there is no mention of it the “about” section).

    Explain, please.

  9. To be fair, Luke did cuddle with the “Wampa Ice Creature” after killing it…

  10. I saw the text about yetis at Burger King, and the picture, and thought, waitaminute, that’s a Wampa! Then I read the rest of the post.

    Do I get extra nerd points?

  11. You wouldn’t expect McD’s to give out a toy that was NOT a tie-in with something?

  12. …and I thought this was going to be an article about cheap mass produced crap from China.

  13. Don’t let the Squirrely rip its head off!!

    Remember, you thought these things smelled bad on the outside!

  14. Don’t take this the wrong way. I always thought YOU were the defective yeti. I mean, you are kind of tall and lumbering, aren’t you? You’re just missing the abundant hair, but you can work on that.

  15. hilarious

  16. Glad you’re on top of this one! Yeti weirdness forever but no bloody ice guys.

  17. Matthew, I would not have found your site if it wasn’t for the yeti title. I was lazily internet researching yeti facts, for a bad poem, which turned out to be not bad enough to win the bad poetry slam. I have been a faithful reader ever since. So I say Thank Goodness for Defective Yeti, even if it’s not really a yeti, even if you are not interested in yetis. Yeah.
    mompoet (aka Sue McIntyre)

  18. ” … more likely to join a boy band called “Ready 4 Cuddles” … ”

    Ha! That is fantastic. Honestly, as long as you keep dissing the star wars prequels and shitty music at the same time, I will never leave this place.