When a friend of mine saw that they were selling tiny yetis at Burger King, she thoughtfully picked one up for me.
(Let me take a moment, here, to interject a rather shocking announcement: I don’t give a rat’s ass about yetis. Or abominable snowmen. Or bigfoot. Or even Sasquatch, native to our region though they may be. Honestly, I just picked this site’s name out of the ether, not out of any love of or interest in cryptozoology. Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate it when you send me links to yeti ornaments or yeti flash games or yeti bicycles or yeti, the knowbot or yeti@home, but only because it’s nice to occasionally receive email that doesn’t have a forged paypal.com return address. If you guys keep giving me yeti stuff I’m going to eventually wind up like The Lady At The License Renewal Place Whose Cubicle Is Filled With Tigger-Related Paraphernalia. And nobody wants that.)
Anyway, I did what I do with all unwanted gifts: coated it in catnip and threw it at my kitties. But at some point The Squirrelly’s must have got a hold of it, because a few days later it resurfaced in his room.
If I’d known then what I know now, I never would have let this fall into the hands on an innocent child. Yesterday, while picking it up from the floor, I noticed for the first time that it had a tag on the back.
Star Wars?, thought I. There were no yetis in Star Wars. Only then did I realize the truth. This was no yeti, this was a Wampa Ice Creature, the creature that savagely attacked Luke Skywalker on the planet of Hoth, nearly killing the young Jedi and snuffing out the hopes of the fledgling rebellion.
My god, what are we teaching this generation of children? First we have the prequels, portraying Darth Vader as the kind of sensitive romantic more likely to join a boy band called “Ready 4 Cuddles” than the Sith, and now the Wampa Ice Creature is being recast as an adorable, pocket-size moppet? Where will it end? Grand Moff Tarkin getting named “#1 Grandpa?”
Why don’t we just tell them that the terrorists are the good guys and be done with it?