Slacker Suggestions Sought

Yes, it’s that most magical time of the year: time to send me links to the stupidest crap available for purchase on the Internet, for inclusion in my annual “Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers.” Please post in the comments of this thread, or send to matthew@defectiveyeti.

Previous Slacker’s Guides: 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.



    Quite possibly the finest site for meat- and Jesus-related paraphenalia ever.

    What happened to the Moby Dick updates? I was on the edge of my seat, then suddenly…nothing. And don’t blame your slacktastic tendencies on the weather. I’m sure you could’ve found a flashlight SOMEWHERE and I KNOW you’re literate.

  2. Feh! You call that a blackout? We were without power for 12 whole days last year :)

  3. Hi-tech metal alloy used in aerospace engineering and Frank Gehry buildings + two-in-one elementary school cafeteria utensil designed to prevent deep fork fight wounds = the Titanium Spork. Go camping without it and risk severe unpreparedness. Handy hole in handle means you can wear it around your neck (as I do).

  4. I think this is always a perfect gift for that special someone on your list:

    It just screams “I care about your hygiene”. And really, what is more loving than that?

  5. You know you want one.


    Staying on the dog theme this site offers replacement testicles for all the Scruffy’s that have been neutered. Be sure to see the ‘Sizing Chart and Pricing Guide’. I can think of a few men who could use them too.

  7. Trinamick got me thinking about poop and reminded me of this:

    instead of giving cash or a gift card, give them something memorable – a giant check
    I like the small-print explaination text there: “Are these checks actually cashable? Will the bank really honor them? Yes. Unless you use non-real numbers in the account and routing fields (e.g. 123456), or unless your bank manager / president is just a stink-butt.”

  8. FOX news? You link us to FOX news?

    I feel so dirty, just for clicking……

  9. I can see it now…
    – Wow, thanks, I’ve always wanted one of these!
    Oh, wait, I think it’s broken, it looks like it’s listing “approximately two degrees toward the south.”
    Does it come with a gift receipt?

  10. Hmmm. What gift will FOR SURE be useful? Bananas of course

  11. Stupid stuff and a slackers survival guide?

    There is only one answer: Worlds of Warcraft software.

    The game that drops slackers out of society in total (and for those productive members of society who play — I ask how your social lives are :p ) by letting them waste hour upon hour, day upon day, playing within this virtual (and pointless) realm…

  12. Ever have an unidentified song stuck in your head? Never again, with Humming Search…simply Hum a few bars of that song and poof….Humming Search identifies it for you.

    Does this mean the end to Humming Birds? (insert menacing music here)

  13. “Survival Guide” just seemed to fit:

    In case of alien abduction these dog tags may save
    your life. The crucial data an alien will need to get you back to Earth is die stamped into these dog tags.

  14. Maybe it’s not fitting for a ‘survival’ guide…

    The 10 Most Dangerous Toys of All Time

    And by the way…Sweet jeebus McKenzie! Hope you Seattlians get a break soon…

  15. I can’t believe that people actually took the time to write reviews of bananas on the Amazon website. Now I guess I will have to get one for the Yeti for Christmas!

  16. I posted some really bad products on this page. “The Daddle” is probably the worst.

    and oh yeah, I didn’t mention the freedom blanket, which I had already made fun of too much (

  17. Never been stupider! Barbie Doll with a pooping dog.

  18. I actually think these Monty Python Killer Bunny Slippers are kind of cool, but I felt like posting them on your slacker guide anyway. Then there’s Smittens, the mittens designed for the most irritatingly codependent couple on your gift list. You’ll be nauseated, they’ll be delighted. Bonus: ability to create new Yuletide Tradition, “Christmas Red Rover”. The anatomically correct Gummy Heart is a sure winner for your own sweetheart; not at all creepy. And lastly, you can now purchase the laziest meat by-product, Spam, via the laziest consumer method, online. Merry Whatever!

  19. I have 6 words for you:
    “miraculous quesadilla with panda bear image”

    Enough said.

  20. Mr. T in Your Pocket!!!! A talking keychain, and I certainly feel quite sorry for the idiot who doesn’t have one.

  21. I’m going with a classic, Ron Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman . It conveniently “Fits into Your Glove Compartment” or “Attaches to Your Belt.” Plus, for a limited time only you can get two for the price of one! Love the motto: “It’s always ready for the fish to strike.”

  22. The perfect gift for the complete slacker-who owns a dog.

    GoDogGo! The Automatic Fetch Machine, complete with remote control–

  23. The only thing stupid about the Whiz is that there aren’t distributing agents in the USA. I still want one in my stocking, though. I wonder if it would get through customs in one piece….