Butteryfingers

FADE IN

INT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

MATTHEW and THE QUEEN are sitting on a couch in their living room, 20 minutes into the Season 2.5 finale of BATTLESTAR GALACTIC. They both appear to be ON EDGE, as if ANTICIPATING something.

SOUND EFFECT: THE DISTANT RATTLE OF A TINY HAND STRUGGLING TO TURN AN ADULT-SIZED DOORKNOB

The ratting continues for a few seconds and then STOPS ABRUPTLY. A moment passes.

Enter THE SQUIRRELLY, left

SQURRELLY: Hiya!

THE QUEEN: You little –

MATTHEW: God damn it!

MATTHEW pauses the DVD for the FORTY-HUNDREDTH TIME. He stands, grabs THE SQUIRRELLY, tucks the grinning toddler under has arm, and walks out of the frame.

MATTHEW: Come on, you.

Cut to:

INT – SQUIRRELY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

MATTHEW enters, carrying The SQUIRRELLY. He puts him in his BED for the FORTY-HUNDREDTH TIME.

MATTHEW: Now, look: it’s time to go to bed. Do you understand? I want you to stay in your bed. From now on. Do you understand?

THE SQUIRRELLY giggles MALEVOLENTLY

MATTHEW: No, I’m totally for-serious this time. Stay in your bed. It’s time for sleeping. Stay in your bed. Good night. Stay in your bed.

MATTHEW leaves the room, closing the DOOR behind him. The scene goes BLACK. Cut to:

INT – LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Enter MATTHEW, left. He walks to the SOFA.

MATTHEW: He looked pretty tired. I think he’s going to stay in his room this time.

THE QUEEN: [Ominously] He’d better …

MATTHEW picks up the REMOTE CONTROL from the TABLE and sits on the SOFA next to THE QUEEN. He presses PLAY.

Enter THE SQUIRRELLY, left

SQURRELLY: Hiya!

MATTHEW: NNNRRRRGH!

THE SQUIRRELLY ambles up to his parents, smiling. THE QUEEN stands.

THE QUEEN: That’s it.

THE QUEEN takes THE SQUIRRELLY by the hand and leads him BRISKLY out of the frame. She is gone for a few minutes. When she reenters she is carrying a can of COOKING SPRAY.

THE QUEEN: He won’t bother us again.

MATTHEW: Why was the Pam in his bedroom?

THE QUEEN: It wasn’t. I brought it with me, and sprayed it on his inside doorknob.

THE QUEEN places the COOKING SPRAY back on a shelf, while MATTHEW looks on with PRIDE and ADORATION. She joins him on the SOFA and the two watch the conclusion of BATTLESTAR GALACTIC uninterrupted.

SCENE

* * *

32 comments.

  1. Your wife is a genius.

  2. Brilliant.

  3. Humor, science fiction, and parenting tips in a big bag of goodness.

  4. Cooking spray… who knew? That is a supreme stroke of brilliance that I’m going to have to remember and put to use at some point in the future.

  5. And I was just worrying about investing in another set of doorknob covers, which I secretly suspect my child will immediately figure out. So much smarter. SO much cheaper.

  6. I will have to remember that one!

  7. oh, well played madam.

    mine isn’t even crawling yet, but that’s a keeper.

  8. Hell, mine hasn’t even been conceived yet, and I’m remembering that.

  9. So weird. You described our evening here perfectly, substituting “Scoop” (please do not rent this movie, it is horrible) for BG, and substituting “parental groveling” for “Pam”…

  10. Again, the Queen proving why she holds the title.

    Other options to try cuz Pam’s really a gnarly substance. Have you ever had to clean up that stuff? Yuck.

    Doorknob removal and replace with RFID lock.
    (http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/security/77af/)
    Cool but expensive.

    Doorknob obfuscator:
    (http://www.totsafe.com/proddetail.asp?prod=6383)
    Cheaper than RFID, but the anklebiter might figure this one out as Holley points out.
    Though the old style ones work well http://www.totsafe.com/proddetail.asp?prod=6382%2D2. My grams used these in her daycare center and we never had any jailbreaks with them.

  11. I bet hearts flew out of the top of your head. That was awesome!

  12. Wow. Just wow.

  13. All hail The Queen!

  14. The Queen is a parenting genius, no doubt. For a longer-term solution, my I recommend the simple hook and eye latch placed high on the door?

  15. My son (nearly same age as the Squirelly) recently found an uncovered can of Pam in the kitchen, and decided that he would “paint” his sheets and headboard. Needless to say, I agree with the comment above about “gnarly.” Maybe he was trying to coat it for his own “easy removal.”

  16. Beautiful. My kid hasn’t figured out how to turn the handle yet, but I’m keeping this in reserve.

  17. For-serious

  18. Nice!

  19. A+, more entertaining than “Bedtime for Frances.”

  20. Crazy glue would have made a more-permanent impression.

  21. Wow, she should be up for some sort of award for that one!

  22. First off love it you call the kid squirrely!
    Second I agree with most of your other commenters your wife is a genius! I wish I would have had her around to advise me when mine were that young!

  23. I love this. We actually have to gate our 2.5 year old in like some kind of convict. If only potty-training wasn’t on the horizon… No way to give him access to the bathroom and not to us… Guess it’s better than perpetually changing the sheets!

  24. Wow, we never even considered that one. After multiple threats, we just put a hook & eye on the outside of his door. Dept. of Child Services knocking in door in 5…4…3…2.

  25. No wonder you married that woman!

  26. I’m turning in to a freak for that show. When we are watching it, our kid wakes up, she cries and WE GO AND SLEEP WITH HER. Well, one of us lies down with her to put her to sleep and then we fall asleep with her.

    Oh my God, we are the wimpiest parents in the world. You mean your kid actually sleeps in his own bed by himself some of the time/ever? I was just assuming they didn’t do that sort of thing.

    I need the Queen. I would marry her tomorrow. Now THAT’S a parent.

  27. I bow in awe before The King and Queen.

  28. It’s so rare that I laugh out loud at anything on the internet, but I laughed at this. Thanks so much for sharing that little snapshot of your life with us!

  29. canola oil works great and is neater and easier to both apply and remove. Trust me, three girls will force you to be creative! Oh, by the way they’re 30, 28 and 16 now and no the last one is adopted not an accident.

  30. Hey there Matt. Long time reader, first time poster. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know you’ve been awarded one of the top 12 funniest people on the internet. I found the link from Digg.com Congrats on being so f-ing funny. Well man I’ll let you get back to stardom, don’t forget us little people.

    http://www.valleywag.com/tech/comedy/the-12-funniest-people-on-the-internet-229808.php

  31. THAT is absolutely awesome!!!!! I must remember the cooking spray tidbit for future use!!!!

  32. Damnit! We have those darn Handicapped accessible door handles.

    I like the way your wife thinks, though.