Comments on my recent rental history. Spoilers ahoy for all titles herein.
I wonder if this film gets any better after the first four minutes. Alas, I shall never know.
Watching this film, I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be the go-to movie for a whole generation of gay, in-the-closet teens, much as my formative years were spent surreptitiously fast-forwarding through Meatballs 3 in search of the topless scenes.
Then I remembered that, since my youth, this zany thing called Teh Internet up and got invented, which means that all the good Brokeback scenes are probably available online, possibly as animated gifs. They may even have their own Facebooks pages, who knows?
Still, as a public service to any of you kids out there want to do it old school, get your mitts on the DVD and refer to this cheat sheet:
|31:04||Jake Gyllenhaal wearing nothing but boots.|
|33:10||This is the scene you are looking for.|
|1:03:25||Some serious making-out|
|1:05:16||Shirtless, post-coitus (or whatevertus) cigarettes.|
|1:09.28||Naked Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger jumping off a cliff into a lake. If you watch the scene at 1/32 speed, you can make out three or four pixels of wang.|
And just in case any heterosexual males inadvertently stumble upon this page: Anne Hathaway’s knockers, 57:55.
Good movie. I expected it to mostly be a gimmick film (Gay cowboys!), but it was solid and well-made, far exceeding the controversial premise. And while some people had told me that it was boring, I found it pensive (where “pensive” is defined as “enjoyably boring”).
Studio exec: All right, you’ve got thirty seconds. Go.
Michael Arndt: What do Americans love? I’ll tell you what Americans love: dysfunctional families. The Simpsons. The Sopranos. Supernanny. People love ‘em.
M.A.: So, how about a movie … about a family … where everyone is really, really dysfunctional?
S.E.: Seems like it’s been done.
M.A.: No, but we’re gonna make ‘em really, really, really dysfunctional. Like, the brother is suicidal. And the son won’t talk. And the grandfather is addicted to heroin. And the little girl likes porn.
S.E.: The little girl likes porn? I don’t know …
M.A.: Well, okay, so the grandfather also likes porn. Doesn’t matter, we’ll hammer out the details later. Take home message: really dysfunctional. You with me so far?
S.E.: So far.
M.A.: Okay. So, what if we took this family, the whole family, and put them all in a VW bus. And made them travel across country. Huh? Think of it! Hijinks!
S.E.: Where are they going?
M.A.: Doesn’t matter. To some dysfunctional thing, doesn’t matter. The important thing is that they are all together, in a VW bus, for a long, long time. And totally–totally–dysfunctional. Do you smell sleeper hit? Because I smell something that smells like sleeper hit to me.
S.E.: How does it end?
M.A.: Oh, you know, whatever. We’ll just tack the end of Napoleon Dynamite on there, people seemed to like that.
I mean, I liked it. But, still.
I didn’t watch A.D. when it was originally airing, so I wasn’t one of those people who was crushed when it got canceled. And, to be honest, three seasons seems like the perfect amount to watch on DVD.
Not that I don’t love the show. But how many programs managed to demote themselves from “great” to “just okay” by virtue of running too long? Twin Peaks, for sure. The X-Files. And now, to hear my friends tell it, Lost. With only 53 episodes, Arrested Development avoids this fate-worse-than-cancellation, and actually gets funnier as it goes.
By season three they must have known they were on borrowed time, because they pull out all the stops. The show becomes so self-referential that only the devoted fan could hope to catch all the references to previous jokes, and it gets exponentially dirtier. (Michael’s three second pause after the line “Who’d want to go into that musty old clap-trap” made me laugh until my stomach hurt.)
If you’ve only seen a few A.D. episodes here and there, rent season one and watch them in order. Though the second year doesn’t live up to the first, plow your way through it so you can watch the third — you won’t regret it.
Cripes, where to start with this mess? Let’s just take it in order:
- Tip to aspiring filmmakers: make sure your audience can figure out what the hell is going on during the first 10 minutes.
- So let me get this straight: astronomers thought they saw the planet Krypton, so Superman spent five years flying all the way out there (in a spaceship?), only to discover that, nope, they were wrong, it’s still a-blowd up. Um, jeeze astronomers: this seems like it would have been one of those “measure twice, cut once” situations, seeing as how you deprived the world of Superman for half a decade. What, smudge on the telescope?
- The airplane saving bit was really exciting! A shame, almost, in that you can’t help but unfavorably compare the remainder of the film to that single, engrossing scene.
- Man, when did Clark Kent get to be such a cad? Using his x-ray vision to stalk Lois, trying to mack on another guy’s girl, etc. Not to mention that he’s a deadbeat dad. He’s gone from defender of the American Way from Guy You Wouldn’t Want To Sit Next To On The Bus
- I’m sorry, but this is the stupidest evil plot I’ve ever seen. Lex is going to destroy a perfectly good continent to make a pointy, unlivable one? And he’ll get to be king of the new landmass because he was on it first? Yeah, that worked out great for the Native Americans.
- Superman is now flying around carrying a literal mountain of kryptonite? I think we’re done here.
Dear Al Gore: please run for President and select Obama as your running mate so I can vote for you the end.