Haven’t we already heard more than enough about Clinton’s sex life?
Posts from March 2007.
The Queen and I chat:
The Queen: Your post about the Susan B. Anthony coins was pretty funny.
Me: Thanks. You know, I heard they are coming out with a new dollar coin.
Q: Why do they bother? No one wants to carry those around.
M: I do. I’d much rather carry around coins than dollar bills.
Q: Oh yeah, that would be fantastic. Then, every time you sit on a couch, you’ll lose thirteen dollars of our money instead of just sixty-four cents.
Black Snake Moan: “Maybe [Samuel L.] Jackson should avoid any more movies with ‘snake’ in the title.” — Peter Rainer, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
I Think I Love My Wife: “Attaching Chris Rock to I Think I Love My Wife is like chaining a Kentucky Derby winner to the merry-go-round in a petting zoo.” — Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER
300: “Should have been called Ode to a Grecian Ab.” — Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Arthur and the Invisibles: “This kids’ cartoon from France is such a surreally demented attempt to connect with children that it’s the equivalent of foie gras breakfast cereal or a bleu cheese milkshake.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST
The Hills Have Eyes II: “The only folks jumping out of their seats were the ones going for a drink refill.” — Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Premonition: “I have a strong premonition I’m about to give this movie a big thumbs down.” — Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER, AT THE MOVIES
Is everyone clear on the specifics of the US Attorney debacle, or should I do another Scandal Cheatsheet, as I did with the Plame Investigation? I was talking with some co-workers earlier today and surprised to discover that they didn’t really have any clear idea what was going on; now I’m wondering if that’s true of most normal people (i.e., those who, unlike me, don’t obsessively follow political blogs).
In the comments, please let me know if you’d like a primer, if you don’t feel the need for a primer, or if you are so uninterested in the whole thing that you wouldn’t read a primer even if I wrote it. Thanks.
Update: People clearly need / want a primer, so now I ask that you use the comments to put specific questions you’d like addressed (e.g., “I don’t understand is how this is news –
hasn’t he [Bush] done that [kicked out people who didn’t do what he wanted] for what? 7 years now?”)
Update2: The primer will appear Monday in The Morning News. Keep those questions coming.
Rates of clinical psychosis have skyrocketed amongst the residents of Innsmouth, Massachusetts over the last two weeks, says Wingate Peaslee, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University. "We see this every year," said Peaslee, "'March Madness,' as we call it--characterized by religious fervor, hydrophilia, and compulsive chanting--typically sets in around the spring equinox, and continues until Walpurgisnacht." The people of the malodorous and ill-shrouded coastal village tell a different story, though, attributing their exuberant behavior to the upcoming, semi-annual festival. "WOOHOO, Dagon's going all the way this year!" exclaimed Barnabas Marsh. "Cthulhu fhtagn, baby!" Others, however, were more skeptical of the hometown hero's chances. "I dunno," slurred Zadok Allen, "Shub-Niggurath fieldin a gud team, whut with her thousand young an' all. We'll be lucky to mak'it past the Eldritch Eight." Though gambling is illegal in Massachusetts, it is estimated that several thousand dollars worth of queer foreign jewelry, and the year's entire fish harvest, are riding on the outcome.
Email about the Captain America retrospective:
My understanding is that a person is most properly addressed by the highest office they have held, even after they retire, unless they have taken a different post that calls for a newer, if lower, title. The only exception is Royalty, who get complicated mixed titles.
Though his blue-gloved hand steered the Federal Reserve through the stormy stagflation crisis as if he were Adam Smith himself, Captain America's role as the Fed Chief under Carter means he has earned his current moniker "Chairman America."
Please be so kind as to address him appropriately.
I’m actually kind of impressed by how many ways this offends me.
Curmudgeon: With crap like this on the market, I’m beginning to think Marx had a point.
Father: I’m going to pass on having my three year-old son smell like musk, thanks.
Nerd: Superman is DC, not Marvel! Dude, don’t even talk to me if you can’t keep your comic book universes straight.
Notable events from a fallen hero’s career:
Early 1940’s: Fought Nazis.
1945-1960: Frozen in block of ice
1963: Assembled team of metahumans to fight threats too large for any single superhero to handle alone.
1964: Changed name of superhero team from “Jethro Tull” to “The Avengers” after trademark dispute.
1967: Deterred Galactus by telling him about delicious planet called Krypton.
1969: Teamed up with Sub-Mariner, Fantastic Four, and X-Men to buy some schwag, crash Woodstock.
1970-1973: Temporarily relocated after being drafted for the Vietnam War; renamed self “Corporal Canada.”
1978: Brought “stagflation” under control by sharply increasing interest rates to reduce money supply.
1981: Ended Iranian Hostage Crisis and secured the release of 52 Americans with the help of delicious Hostess fruit pies.
1983: Admitting to drinking “a few wine coolers” prior to Quinjet / Challenger collision.
1992: Pardoned by Bush for his role in the Skrull-Contra Affair.
1995: Finished Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island without using a walkthrough.
1997: Hooked Clinton up with some She-Hulk action.
1999: Founded Metafilter.
2000: Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor for tracking down and killing “The Baha Men” after release of Who Let The Dogs Out?
2003: Located and removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq before invasion. Meant to tell President, but forgot.
2006: Won Tour de France (later disqualified after testing positive for super-soldier serum).
Throughout his career: Adhered to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy by keeping his relationship with The Punisher on the down-low.