Captain America: A Retrospective

Notable events from a fallen hero’s career:

Early 1940’s: Fought Nazis.

1945-1960: Frozen in block of ice

1963: Assembled team of metahumans to fight threats too large for any single superhero to handle alone.

1964: Changed name of superhero team from “Jethro Tull” to “The Avengers” after trademark dispute.

1967: Deterred Galactus by telling him about delicious planet called Krypton.

1969: Teamed up with Sub-Mariner, Fantastic Four, and X-Men to buy some schwag, crash Woodstock.

1970-1973: Temporarily relocated after being drafted for the Vietnam War; renamed self “Corporal Canada.”

1978: Brought “stagflation” under control by sharply increasing interest rates to reduce money supply.

1981: Ended Iranian Hostage Crisis and secured the release of 52 Americans with the help of delicious Hostess fruit pies.

1983: Admitting to drinking “a few wine coolers” prior to Quinjet / Challenger collision.

1992: Pardoned by Bush for his role in the Skrull-Contra Affair.

1995: Finished Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island without using a walkthrough.

1997: Hooked Clinton up with some She-Hulk action.

1999: Founded Metafilter.

2000: Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor for tracking down and killing “The Baha Men” after release of Who Let The Dogs Out?

2003: Located and removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq before invasion. Meant to tell President, but forgot.

2006: Won Tour de France (later disqualified after testing positive for super-soldier serum).

Throughout his career: Adhered to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy by keeping his relationship with The Punisher on the down-low.