Seattle Follies

Last Friday I got email from my friend Phyllis Fletcher:

To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Help--need jokes!!

I will represent KUOW at Town Hall's Seattle Follies, Thu April 26, 7:30PM. Send me some jokes!

Phyllis
 
 

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To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

How many Seattlites does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to propose replacing it with a traditional light bulb, one to propose replacing it with a energy-efficient fluorescent bulb, one to propose replacing it with a single candle in protest of the Iraq war, and 100,000 to vote on a non-binding referendum.

Matthew
 
 

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To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

Hahaha. But I will be delivering a fake newscast, so what I really need are jokey/satirical news items.

Phyllis
 
 

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To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

The Seattle City Council voted unanimously today to reappropriate the $4 billion currently earmarked for the 520 floating bridge replacement project. The funds will now be given to the research department of Blue Origin, to be used for the development of jetpacks and hoverboards. Richard Conlin, chairman of the council's state Route 520 committee, defended the decision, pointing out that the creation of such alternative commuter technology for crossing Lake Washington would likely require less time and prove more feasible than finding a 520 plan everyone can agree on.

Meanwhile, the Seattle chapter of NORML unveiled another 520 replacement proposal last Friday at the Hempfest benefit concert: the 420 floating bridge. The six-lane "high-way" would have a speed limit of 7 miles an hour and just kind of meander around aimlessly, without any real direction.

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15 comments.

  1. Totally swamped by work and you’re still able to knock out five hilarious posts? You need to pace yourself!

  2. hilarious – esp. the meandering “420 ‘high-way'”

    Thanks so much!

  3. I was totally having a crappy morning and this totally made me almost pee my pants. Totally.

    Thanks!

  4. Wait, so that 520 post is a joke? Are you sure?

    (T-minus 9 hours before I get to sit on 520 for much too long)

  5. too swamped to post, my ass. these are hilarious bits. think the family would want to move to NYC? i think the daily show could use you. (WAIT — DON’T YOU DARE MOVE TO NYC.)

  6. I must admit, for a guy who is “In the Weeds” you are still churning out the great stuff.

    You have been tagged for a thinking blogger’s award as a blogger who makes me think every time I read him…

  7. Love/Hate: Loved this post. Hate you for getting “In the Waiting Line” stuck in my head when I’m at least six hours from getting back to my CDs.

  8. I would have NO newscasts for Seattle Follies if not for Matthew’s talents and generosity.

    I hope I do them justice onstage! Your material has given me confidence. If I bomb, I have only myself to blame. Town Hall audiences are incredibly charitable and friendly, though. Hopefully the worst that will happen is sympathy laughter.

    Thank you, o great one!

  9. Matthew, be careful or SNL will see this and you will be whisked off to NYC to write for Weekend Update. And make a bunch of money.

  10. “lost it’s soul”?

    Sorry – You are not allowed on the Internet

    (http://www.defectiveyeti.com/iacaptchas/)

  11. There are only 850,000 Starbucks locations in downtown Seattle? That’s so sad.

    They’ve managed to creat a Starbucks Lane here in T.O. Nothing but the souless chain as far as the eye can see.

  12. Excellent! The war czar one is hilarious!

  13. Matthew! You KILLED tonight! I wish you could have been there to see it for yourself. When the video makes it to the Seattle Channel website you should be able to find it here. John Carlson reads the credit I wrote for you near the end.

    BTW, he loved this one, which starts as mine and definitely ends as yours:

    In Olympia, the legislative session is over. But the torrid affairs of Washington State Lawmakers continue. KTHS has the exclusive, dirty details. . . and they are available to you when you pledge at the $150 level. Lawmakers who pledge at the $50,000 level will have details of their liaisons withheld–and will also receive a commemorative tote bag.

  14. Concerned about eroding top line growth, Starbucks Coffee Company (NASDAQ: SBUX) announced after the bell yesterday an aggressive expansion plan focused on the domestic US market.

    According to James Alling, CEO of Starbucks Coffee U.S., the coffee chain will be opening new kiosks, called “Latte Lanes” inside of existing Starbucks storefronts. “This way,” he said, “our customers can have the fastest possible service, and enjoy their favorite coffee drinks while waiting to place an order or purchase a CD.”

    Analysts expressed surprise at the plan, due to the near market saturation that Starbucks has already achieved. “Up to this point, the company had been carefully managing expectations for domestic growth,” said UBS analyst Sanjay Vindranath. “We are surprised, but the plan itself is very innovative. And they have taken up most of the ground level storefront space in every major American City so they had to be creative in finding new floor space.”

  15. I was in tears by the time I finished reading this. Doesn’t the 520 bridge have traffic speeds of 7 miles an hour????!